How to deal with a painful breakup and reopen to love? First of all, you need to shift the focus of attention from romantic relationships to taking care of yourself. Our heroine shares her encouraging experience.
Yes, he left me. There were many reasons for this: his life priorities, our selfishness, a long distance. We were both still young and maybe not too compatible. But this story is not about him, but about me.
If only I could prepare in advance for the incredible pain that I will have to experience … I could not get out of bed for weeks: depression crushed me with its burden. I stopped eating (and I’m the gastrocritic!), sobbed in front of everyone at the airport, desperately peering at the phone screen in the hope that he would send me a message.
Once I got so drunk that I ended up in the hospital. “Clarissa, where is your pride?” – every now and then my friends asked me. And that’s not all. I got on a plane and flew from Los Angeles to New York to try and get it back. He said he gives me one hour. I begged for three. And things got even worse.
“I think it’s time for us to forget about it,” he told me a month after the breakup. I clung to him, begging him to give me another chance. I swear I saw his jaw tighten and his eyes glaze over. He finally decided that I was unworthy of the happiness of being with him. “I will be even more selfish than I was before,” he announced, got up, looked at me for the last time and left.
I was left sitting in the mall’s food court, surrounded by strangers staring at me.
My depression has reached a new level. I tried out the script from the book Eat Pray Love! and flew away on vacation to Asia, but ended up canceling the trip. I could not be alone: thoughts devoured me – an endless string of accusations against me. Sometimes I woke up at night from my own scream, and sometimes I dreamed that my plane crashed, or I was hit by a car, or I died quietly in my sleep.
I started reading guides for getting out of post-romantic depression. “Date with the ex”, “The principle of the gap”, “Mr. Inaccessible and the Girl in reserve” … They directed my thoughts in the right direction, but I still could not get out of the hole.
When you are depressed, life flows as if under pressure, a stone, and even if it sounds trite, the world around you really darkens, loses its colors. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, and this feeling destroys you from the inside. The only relief is sleep, and then only for a while.
What helped me? Another commonplace is taking care of yourself. At some point, I got tired of falling apart. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself and, although I still could not accept the new circumstances, I wanted to change. Any. I focused on my needs, and that meant I needed to get out of my “comfort zone.” And what was my “comfort zone” in my case? Depression…
I signed up for classes that I used to enjoy before meeting my ex-partner
I asked myself out on a date… with me. I started making a list—it included cooking classes, hiking, and an athletics club—and made a schedule. Lots of group activities. Almost every day. No hint of romance.
I warn you, the most difficult moment is to pack up and leave the house. But no matter how bad you feel, don’t change your plans. Yes, it is not easy to communicate with complete strangers. But this is much nicer than falling face down into a pillow and sobbing, remembering the past.
Each new meeting reminded me of the first day of student life. Interest groups included people of different ages and professions. Many of them became best friends as a result, some fell in love, and most parted like ships at sea.
No, I never had a shortage of friends before. I have wonderful friends who have always been very supportive of me.
But they settled in my “comfort zone” and could not offer me anything other than a vest in which I could cry
In the midst of our breakup, I wrote in eyeliner on the mirror, “I won’t let you hurt me.” Then those words applied to him. Today – to myself. I no longer allow myself to torture myself.
The secret is that once you focus on your well-being, miracles happen. You are not afraid to disappoint anyone but yourself, and enjoy life much more.
And yes, everything went on as usual. I made new friends and even went on a couple of dates for the sake of the experiment. The focus of my happiness has shifted from my partner to taking care of myself. Time erases memories and heals wounds, but for this you need to put a bandage on them. No one will do this but ourselves.
About the author: Clarissa Wei is a journalist, food critic, and blogger.