“Darling, you piss me off”: what to do if your partner’s habits are annoying?

Those who think that long-term relationships are ruined because of something serious are mistaken: cheating, bad habits, disagreements about whether to have children or what to spend money on. In fact, the habit of one of the spouses to slurp or addiction to an idiotic reality show is fraught with much more danger.

“When we first met, it seemed funny to me how Vadim hastily destroyed all the food that I put on the table,” Svetlana, 36, admits. “I imagined that he was a real caveman and after dinner we would have wild, primitive sex. But now, three years later, and I can hardly restrain myself so as not to explode. How to teach him to behave at the table properly?

Social psychologist Michael Cunningham defines this process as moving from “front stage behavior,” where we are still trying to make a good impression, to “backstage behavior,” where we relax and show our true self.

If this transition is marked abruptly (and often this happens immediately after a wedding or honeymoon), it can cause quarrels and disappointments. The one who endured the whims of another affectionately, suddenly realizes that he will be forced to live with them every day, all year round. And the one who tried to restrain himself finally “relaxes”: the goal has been won, he is already loved so much.

It is impossible not to notice irritation, so the challenge is to learn to live with it. It is almost impossible to change the behavior of another person, but you can change your own view of this behavior, your reaction to it.

Dig deeper

“There are no small things when it comes to relationships,” says Andrew Marshall, a family therapist. “If something annoys you, there may be deeper reasons behind it.”

“I go into a sort of irrational frenzy when I have to clean up after him,” says Sophia, 42. – I think I’m afraid to turn into my mother, who served my father all my life. I understand that hanging pants in the closet does not mean becoming a slave. But I still get angry: why should I do this?

On the other hand, the habit of picking on a partner for minor reasons may indicate deeper problems – both in the relationship and in us.

“It’s not so much about the actions themselves, but in the sense that we see in them,” says psychologist Jeanette Reibstein. – Those who are depressed or afraid of intimacy may perceive reality inadequately. Instead of talking to a partner about what irritates them, they often fantasize that their partner’s forgetfulness actually speaks of his indifference and coldness.

Look for a solution together

A sure way to exacerbate the problem is to talk to your partner in an accusatory tone, using phrases like “it’s your problem – so figure it out”, “can’t you act like normal people”? “Happy couples try to solve problems together, without pressure or blackmail,” explains Suzanne Abse, director of the Center for the Prevention of Family Conflicts.

The same goes for situations where there is a conflict of interest, such as which parent to spend the holidays with or who pays the bills. “Harmony couples don’t act like politicians squabbling over disputed territories,” says Abse. – Rather, such a family is similar to a company in which both partners have equal shares. Even if one gives in, the other will try to offer something of consolation so that everyone is satisfied.”

Speak right away

The other extreme is to not pay attention to what you don’t like at all, and live according to the principle of “endure, fall in love”. “As much as we hope that sooner or later we will get used to the partner’s constant lateness or his habit of leaving clothes anywhere, research shows that irritation only grows over time,” agrees Michael Cunningham.

He even came up with a name for such manifestations – “social allergens.” When we first notice them, we laugh at them or ignore them. The second time we make an effort not to think about them, but the hundredth time they become unbearable. Usually allergens make themselves felt in the period from 3 months to six months after meeting. Much depends on how much time the couple spends together. Psychologists call this process “de-romanticization.”

Cunningham advises starting a conversation on this topic right away. If your dissatisfaction is well “infused” and turns into real anger, it will be difficult for you to talk about it calmly. Remember that your partner needs time to realize how uncomfortable his behavior is for you, and learn to take care of yourself.

Take a look at yourself

Your claims may say more about you than about your partner. “It often happens that we notice in others the flaws that we most hate or cannot accept in ourselves,” notes Marson. – Observe yourself: have you noticed traits in yourself that you cannot accept in a partner? Have you ever acted in a similar way?”

“It seems to me that he does not care at all about our meetings with my friends,” complains 30-year-old Lisa. He hardly says anything, just sits and watches. But one day it occurred to me: I envy him! I often schedule these meetings myself, trying to follow the conversation so that it does not touch on topics that are painful for one of us. Sometimes I wish I could just shut up and listen to others.”

If we find a way to understand and accept some “uncomfortable” desires in ourselves, we will stop clinging to a partner.

Learn to see the forest for the trees

Many moments of awkwardness and misunderstanding arise from the very fact of personality differences. We are all different, and the brighter our individuality, the more likely it is that the manifestations of this individuality will annoy others.

“My husband is a writer and he has a lot of rituals to help him get ready for work,” says 52-year-old Anna. – Sometimes they reach the point of absurdity: for example, while he is sitting at a book or an essay, there should be complete silence in the house. Even my steps can make him nervous. But when I read what he did, I thank God for living next to such a deep and wise man.

It’s easy to take personal roughness in your partner’s behavior. But remember that your partner’s motives may differ from your own.

“It can be difficult for us to cope with our own temperament, to stay focused and aware,” explains therapist Trevor Sylvester. But that doesn’t mean we don’t try. Take a closer look at your partner: maybe he didn’t wash the dishes last week, but he helped you with work. Notice often what you can be grateful for, and do not forget to tell your partner about it.