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The older children get, the more they tend to test the boundaries of what is acceptable: for example, arguing with adults or disrupting lessons. What to do if your child considers himself smarter than everyone else and does not recognize any authorities? Is there an alternative to educational conversations?
For the first time when they learn from others that their children are sassy, parents are at a loss: “How, does my child rear up and snap in response to remarks?” They insist that this cannot be, that this is a mistake or an exception to the rule: after all, he was brought up differently, because no one in the family behaves like this.
However, already in the next telephone conversation, the teacher describes in detail the recent incident: the child again behaved defiantly, interrupted, proved that he “knows better”, and eventually disrupted the lesson. There was no way to calm him down. And no matter what parents do, no matter what conversations they have at school and at home with the child, the answer is always the same: “I behaved normally! She just doesn’t love me.”
No matter how much we try to reason with our children, they are not willing to admit that they are wrong. They are sure that they are just stating the facts, and the teachers, with their requests to calm down, simply “shut up” their mouths. In addition, from the point of view of schoolchildren, it is not at all necessary to reckon with the teacher and spare his feelings. Which actually applies to other adults as well.
“We judge ourselves because we know how to control our behavior. Children are not. They don’t really know yet how to get along with others and imagine themselves in a strange place, says coach Caroline McGuire, who works with children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. – The child has no reason or desire to be “bad” or insensitive. Most likely, he has good intentions, just need to help him learn to recognize social signals.
Then how, without putting pressure on the psyche and self-esteem of the child, explain to him that it is necessary to respect others? 4 game techniques will help you with this.
1. Ask open-ended questions
Whenever children are rude or sneer, ask open-ended questions to get them to think about their actions and how others react to them.
Instead of repeating “stop arguing with the teacher,” ask your child: “How do you think Maria Ivanovna feels when you interrupt her? What impression do you want to make? Why is it so important for you to report this immediately? How can I put it more calmly?
In this case, he will learn to accept someone else’s opinion and realize how his behavior affects others. Since these are open-ended questions, use who, what, where, when, how, and why. In addition, try to have the child look at you during the conversation and “read” your emotions.
Even if the son or daughter shrugs or says, “I don’t know,” keep asking, “How could I have done it differently?” This will help them learn the unspoken rules of communication and understand what is expected of them.
Social spies watch people and then record what signals they exchange. That is, how loudly they speak and in what tone, whether they interrupt each other, whether they argue …
Here’s how it’s done: Take your child into public places like hotel lobbies, bookstores, or malls. Observe visitors, note social cues and try to determine what rules the environment dictates. And then share your observations with each other and create a model of positive behavior that is worth focusing on.
So the child, most often on other people’s mistakes, learns to understand how to behave. And what exactly you don’t need to do in order not to look like that rude man in the store.
3. Play courtesy
Maybe your child is just bored and eager to pull off some kind of trick to get the whole class going, or just wants to see what happens. Thus, some students deliberately squabble with teachers and provoke them in order to amuse classmates or earn the approval of friends.
Instead of lecturing, ask what actually happened. You can start simple: “I know that sometimes you try not to argue with teachers and really don’t want to seem like an upstart.” Control yourself and calmly explain why it is necessary to at least pretend to be polite.
Most importantly, do not get into moralizing. Discuss together why politeness is needed, and figure out what to do if the child is bored in the lesson, if he does not want to participate in a general discussion. Also, work on his tone of voice so he doesn’t sound dismissive and brash.
4. Learn to “read” the environment
Every team has its own unspoken rules. In order not to lose face, one must be able to decipher them – that is, literally read the situation.
Suppose you and your child are going to enter a place where many people have gathered. Let him pause and look around: he will catch the mood of those present, tune in to their energy, listen to what they are talking about. And only then will he vote. And you stay close and, if necessary, guide him.
By and large, in order to instill social skills, it is not necessary to go out somewhere specially – it is easy to do this at home. Believe me, a child who constantly argues and tries to seize the initiative in a conversation can be taught to correctly interpret other people’s feelings and reckon with others.
Of course, this will take more than one day, but if you are consistent in working on politeness, then the result will not be long in coming. Just know that parental attention and patience benefit all children in the world.