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To feel safe, to receive support, to see your resources, to become freer — close relationships allow you to be yourself and at the same time develop and grow. But not everyone can take a risk and dare to be close. How to overcome a traumatic experience and again venture into a serious relationship, says family psychologist Varvara Sidorova.
Entering into a close relationship means inevitably taking risks. After all, for this we need to open up to another person, to be defenseless in front of him. If he answers us with incomprehension or rejects us, we will inevitably suffer. Everyone has had this traumatic experience in one way or another.
But we, despite this — some recklessly, some carefully — again take this risk, strive for intimacy. For what?
“Emotional intimacy is the foundation of our being,” says family therapist Varvara Sidorova. “She can give us a precious sense of security (and security, in turn, strengthens intimacy). For us, this means: I have support, protection, shelter. I will not be lost, I can act bolder and more freely in the outside world.
reveal yourself
Our beloved becomes our mirror in which we can see ourselves in a completely new light: better, more beautiful, smarter, more worthy than we thought about ourselves. When a loved one believes in us, it inspires, inspires, gives us the strength to grow.
“At the institute, I considered myself a gray mouse, I was afraid to open my mouth in public. And he was our star. And all the beauties suddenly preferred me! I could talk and even argue with him for hours. It turned out that everything I thought about alone was interesting to someone else. He helped me to believe that I as a person was worth something. This student romance changed my life,” recalls 39-year-old Valentina.
When we discover that we are not alone, that we are valuable and interesting to a significant other, this gives us a foothold.
“When we discover that we are not alone, that we are valuable and interesting for a significant other, this gives us support,” comments Varvara Sidorova. – As a result, we can move on, think, develop. We begin to experiment more boldly, mastering the world.” This is how the support that closeness gives us works.
accept criticism
But the “mirror” can also highlight our flaws, shortcomings that we didn’t want to notice in ourselves or didn’t even know about them.
It is difficult for us to come to terms with the fact that a close other does not accept everything in us, therefore such discoveries are especially painful, but it is also much more difficult to dismiss them.
“One day he told me: “Do you know what your problem is? You don’t have an opinion!» For some reason, this phrase hit me hard. Although I did not immediately understand what he meant. I kept thinking about her all the time. Gradually, I recognized that he was right: I was very afraid to show my real self. I began to learn to say «no» and defend my position. It turned out that it’s not so scary,” says 34-year-old Elizabeth.
“I don’t know people who don’t have their own opinion,” says Varvara Sidorova. — But someone keeps it to himself, believes that someone else’s opinion is a priori more important and valuable. This happens when intimacy is so important to one of the two that for her sake he is ready to give up himself, to merge with a partner. And it’s good when a partner gives a hint: build your boundaries. But, of course, you need to have courage and courage to hear it, realize it and start changing.”
Appreciate differences
A loved one can help us heal emotional wounds by showing that people are trustworthy, and at the same time discover that we ourselves have the potential for selflessness and warmth.
“Even in my youth, I decided that a serious relationship was not for me,” says 60-year-old Anatoly. — Women seemed unbearable creatures to me, I did not want to deal with their incomprehensible emotions. And at 57, I unexpectedly fell in love and got married. I am surprised to catch myself that I am interested in the feelings of my wife, I try to be careful and attentive with her.
Intimacy, as opposed to fusion, involves us agreeing with the partner’s otherness, and he, in turn, allows us to be ourselves.
The decision to abandon intimate relationships is usually the result of a traumatic experience, notes Varvara Sidorova. But with age, when those who once inspired us with a fear of intimacy are no longer around, we can calm down a little and decide that relationships may not be so dangerous.
“When we are ready to open up, we suddenly meet someone we can trust,” explains the therapist.
But close relationships are idyllic only in fairy tales. There are crises when we re-understand how different we are.
“After the Ukrainian events, it turned out that my wife and I were on different positions. They argued, quarreled, it almost came to a divorce. It is very difficult to accept that your partner sees the world differently. Over time, we became more tolerant: whatever one may say, what unites us is stronger than what separates us,” says 40-year-old Sergey. Union with another allows you to discover unexpected sides in yourself, develop new qualities. Intimacy, as opposed to fusion, involves us accepting the otherness of our partner, who, in turn, allows us to be ourselves. This is where we are the same, but this is where we are different. And it makes us stronger.
Maria, 33, became bolder under the influence of her husband
“I say: why not?”
I was brought up strictly, my grandmother taught me to do everything according to plan. So I live: all things are scheduled. A serious job, two kids, a house—how would I manage without planning? But I didn’t realize there were downsides to being predictable until my husband brought it to my attention. I always listen to him, so I began to analyze my behavior and realized that I was used to following the pattern and avoiding deviating from it.
And the husband is not afraid of the new, does not limit himself to the familiar. He pushes me to be bolder, freer, to see new opportunities. Now I often say to myself: “Why not?” Let’s say I, a completely unsportsmanlike person, now go skiing with might and main. Maybe a small example, but for me it is indicative.