How does the emotional brain of a healthy child develop? How does he learn to control his behavior? This became known only recently, with the advent of special equipment (in particular, fMRI), which made it possible to conduct the most complex studies of the brain.
And now psychiatrist Daniel Siegel, who has devoted many years to the problems of discipline, the regulation of the child’s emotions, talks about these discoveries.
For example, what happens when a child throws a tantrum? It turns out that the ancient medulla oblongata, the so-called “reptile brain”, is excited, and while it is excited, the younger cortical zones do not work, it is pointless to expect self-control. The child will be able to control himself only after the brain (more precisely, its vertical and horizontal structures) will work harmoniously again. But parents, not meeting understanding from the child, often turn into offended children themselves, believing that he “does it on purpose.” And he just can’t help himself!
Read more:
- Daniel Siegel: “Mindsight is like seeing in the dark”
A calm and reasonable mother will patiently teach him to control his impulses, to cope with anger, instead of shaming him for ugly antics. But what if patience fails? What if, under stress, we turn into those strict and sometimes ruthless educators who once raised us? Then new habits are needed, based on the very authoritative and indisputable knowledge that the authors of this book share. Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson, with examples and very realistic conclusions, explain how to behave in conflicts with children, how to instill discipline in them, avoiding punishment. It turns out that this is normal if a child at the age of four does not understand the order: “Stop at that place!” But how then can he be told that it is impossible to go out onto the roadway? This Siegel also explains in detail.
Another curious fact. Everyone knows that children need not only firmness, but also support. Many understand it this way: scolded, then reassured. Or: we praise only for good behavior, but we scold for bad behavior – but how else? That’s how we were brought up. The authors offer a different formula: first, press to the chest, wipe away tears, establish contact, and then discuss how it should have been done and who is to blame. This sequence is not a whim of the authors, but a rigid logic of the brain that cannot be canceled by our will. The knowledge of which will undoubtedly help many adults raise self-confident and affectionately attached children.
Daniel Siegel is a neuroscientist and psychiatrist and professor at the University of California School of Medicine (USA). Director of the Mindsight Institute, a center for training in interpersonal neuroscience, author of several books, including Mindsight (MIF, 2015). Tina Bryson is his student, a child psychotherapist.
“Discipline without drama. How to help a child develop character.
Translation from English by Natalia Kiyachenko. Alpina non-fiction, 318 p., 2016.