Tiny pieces of glass hurt the most and are the hardest to remove. It is the same with people — the most dangerous thing is not obvious tyrants and petty tyrants, but those who at first seem normal and even friendly. And only then, licking our wounds, do we reproach ourselves for not understanding who we are dealing with from the very beginning. After all, such people can often be recognized.
Strange look. Not quite an adequate response to someone else’s remark. How we feel in the company of such a person. All this could tell us that something is wrong. The real danger is like an iceberg: from afar, it is barely noticeable, but something truly terrible is hidden in the depths.
We don’t see wolf teeth until the wolf bares its teeth and tries to bite us. We don’t see it, but we could. Here are a few signs by which you can recognize a dangerous person — not a homicidal maniac, of course, but someone who is able to destroy or simply ruin your life.
1. He goes out of his way to maintain a semblance of normality.
Such a person is extremely concerned about how he looks in your eyes, and tries to control the impression that he makes on you. He tries his best to appear smart, or competent, or courageous — and if you question these qualities, you are worse off.
Such a person may look absolutely normal — and suddenly explode because of a harmless remark of a friend, feeling in it a threat to his self. He does not perceive the information as neutral — it either helps to maintain his image or threatens him.
The most acute manifestations of this condition are called narcissism and megalomania, but in most cases everything is not so serious (and therefore more difficult to recognize).
2. He has unresolved issues
You have probably heard that the one who is hurt often hurts others. If a person was hurt from which he never recovered, he can become very, very dangerous. And this will manifest itself at the moment when you touch him for the patient.
Perhaps such a person had a father who was always dissatisfied with him, criticized for everything and never supported him, and he grew up insecure and chronically dissatisfied with what he gets.
And as soon as you remind him that he promised to do something for you, he literally goes crazy. Or a woman who herself cheated on a previous partner makes scandals with her current partner, suspecting him of treason. In most cases, such a person may seem quite adequate.
3. He attracts drama
He always quarrels with friends, his family «does not understand and does not accept», he «has» to break off relations with people every now and then. If something from this list happens, it’s not scary, but if everything happens at once … Understand carefully the causes of any scandal — and you will see that he is the culprit! Such a person is like a time bomb: when he explodes is only a matter of time.
4. He complains and brawls out loud
Public confrontation for such a person is a way to demonstrate his “strength”, the absence of fear of “stating a problem”. But in fact, he is afraid, and how. Afraid to talk about what really worries him. Afraid to expose their vulnerability. Afraid of not getting what he wants. He is afraid that you will be disappointed in him. This fear causes him to act out a real drama that takes you by surprise.
“Praise in public, criticize in private” is not about him. It is easier for him to attack in front of everyone, because a one-on-one confrontation involves dialogue, attempts to understand the other, compromises, concessions, and even the recognition of his own wrong — all that he is not ready for. And he tries with all his might to avoid this — if only not to face the real himself. Dangerous people don’t talk, they act. They simply do not have the courage to look the interlocutor in the eye.
5. He is used to betraying and justifying his actions.
He has good teachers — the whole world culture is replete with examples of betrayal: from Iago and Claudius in Shakespeare to Scar from The Lion King and Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter. True, not everyone betrays as obviously as the heroes of Shakespeare’s plays, but they masterfully justify their actions.
For example, a man may date a girl, claiming to be divorced, although he has not yet officially separated from his ex-wife. If the deception is revealed, he can explain his behavior by the fact that he was afraid of losing a new companion. But, you see, deceit is deceit. And if you respect yourself, you should not associate yourself with such people with any ties — neither love nor friendship.
6. He refuses to take responsibility.
For your actions. For how these actions affect others. And it is impossible to correct such a person: any mistakes are always someone else’s fault, but not his. Take a look at your network of acquaintances — are there people around you who do not take responsibility for their actions? If so, stay away from them: it is likely that they are quite dangerous, you just got lucky until you find out.
7. He makes you question reality.
One of the most annoying things dangerous people do is to make the “victim” doubt their own adequacy (this is called gaslighting). They assure you that nothing happened when in fact something unpleasant or dangerous happened to you, and vice versa.
They do not keep their word and assure that they did not promise you anything. They make you believe that you are confusing something or do not remember something. And, worst of all, as a result, you stop trusting yourself.
Is it possible to consider only that person who has all seven traits as dangerous? Not at all: one or two is enough to alert. Forewarned — it means that you are in control of the situation, and therefore there is less chance that the aggressor will go on the attack.
Why is it important? Because life is too short to spend it with toxic people. Don’t waste your energy on people who just don’t deserve that kind of investment. Spend time with people who appreciate you and who you can truly trust.