In childhood, many of us dream of becoming actors, singers, models – those who are recognized and admired. But for today’s kids, popularity is something else. The number of likes under the photo becomes a measure of success.
Just yesterday, an extremely hard-hitting story thundered all over the country: a girl from the Todes ballet decided to undress in public. And I made a broadcast on Periscope of taking a bath. The girl is 10 (ten) years old for a second. The parents quickly found out about what she had done with her: there were well-wishers who threw them both the broadcast and the screenshots. After seeing how their daughter at ease takes very frank poses in front of the camera, the parents, of course, were horrified.
The broadcast was deleted, the conversation with the girl was conducted. To the question: “Why ???” the child innocently replied that someone once told her that public nudity would definitely make her popular. But it is hard to believe that the reason for the act is precisely “someone” and “sometime”. An accidentally thrown phrase will not cause such an effect.
What actually becomes the motive of children who commit shocking deeds for the sake of glory? We asked this question to our expert, consultant psychologist Tatiana Ogneva-Salvoni.
– Children really copy what they see in the adult world, absorb like a sponge the priorities that society broadcasts. At the age of 10, a child is not able to independently and objectively evaluate the incoming information. Every child just wants to be good and valuable, this desire is built into every person. But it is important what criteria of goodness surround him. If demonstration of oneself, popularity, achievement of a result at any cost is something good in the environment of a child, then he will strive for this. Moreover, surprisingly, it is the purest, most naive children’s souls who will embody what surrounds them in life – in the most ingenuous form. We can say that the child simply mirrors without embellishment what society pours into the child’s soul. Separately, several versions can be distinguished about the reasons for children’s vanity and the desire for fame. First, it may be due to a narcissistic disorder, narcissistic trauma. This happens when in early childhood, up to three years, a child for a relatively long time (long in the perception of this particular child) was left without parents, and with grandmothers, grandfathers, nannies, in the garden. Then he develops an attention deficit and is acutely manifested by the onset of puberty. And it can serve as an impetus for such performances.
Second version. An unhealthy desire to be the center of attention occurs when the fame mindset is formed. If significant adults in the environment of the child encouraged him to speak to the public, consciously or not, but showed that they would be more proud and love him, if the child becomes popular, becomes a star, and so on. However, one should always look at the child’s personal history, it could be some kind of key everyday scene for the child’s perception, which has prioritized in this way.
Thirdly, it is quite possible that there are no frustrations and deep attitudes, and this story with a girl is simply the result of a way to declare yourself in your society. Age psychologists note that it is at the age of 10 that the first deep changes begin at all levels – hormonal, physiological, psychological. The child’s intelligence and attention are reduced, but a lot of anxiety and new fears appear. At the age of 10-11, adult negative emotions begin to form, the nervous system is overstrained. Excitation processes prevail over inhibition processes. Children begin to be insolent, go to extremes, feel misunderstood and unhappy. They have a lot of fears. Adults are no longer authorities for them. There is a search for new authorities and a desire to become an authority himself. Psychologists have recorded that at this age a person has the lowest self-esteem during his life. Its values change. It is not enough to study well enough to be accepted. The stage of self-affirmation begins through the search for new transcendental forms of self-expression, often associated with risk. The child is absorbed in his experiences, self-knowledge, self-assessment.
All they need is only love
– First, do not evaluate it by the criteria of the adult world. A child of 10-12 years old is driven by completely different motives, often incomprehensible to an adult. Do not judge or offend for wrongdoing. It takes a lot of patience, love, acceptance and endurance. “I love you anyone”, “I am sorry that you have chosen this form of self-affirmation”, “If you have any questions, I will gladly tell you”. That is, to be constantly present in the child’s life, but without panic. It’s called withstanding his growing up. There is nothing to say to the child – just exhale. And stay close.
Secondly, you can share your experience, your feelings, heard, read stories about other teenage children. “I also had something similar, I felt, did this and that”, “And in that film it was like that, remember this hero …” and so on.
Thirdly, it would be good to listen carefully to the child, to talk with him on any everyday topics, so that he feels involvement, interest in himself, his value and significance. “And what do you feel, and what do you think about this, and this is how you like it, what would you like, and why is this so, in your opinion, and what would you do in this case …”
And fourthly, of course, softly, without imposing, to talk about the basic values of society, on which friendship, love and family rest.
In general, the main thing is not to lose contact with the child. And if he makes a mistake, like the one cited in the story with the girl, then focus not so much on her and not blame her, but on what conclusion he made, does he understand that it was a mistake, how he feels, why this experience taught him. And yes, of course, there must be some kind of punishment for major offenses. No, do not beat, do not shout in any way. You can prohibit something, or take it away, or cancel some promised gift, etc. That is, terrible offenses cannot be left unpunished. Only if the child is very repentant, realizes the gravity of his offense and is ready for any punishment, then it is more useful to cancel the punishment. And yet – it is useful for a parent to think about what his area of responsibility is, where he did not cope with his duties, and to draw conclusions for the future, to work on his mistakes too.