Daddy’s daughter: what is father’s love capable of

“What kind of father am I?” Only one “expert” can answer this question – the child. Somewhere in the innermost depths of his soul, the image of his father is like a niche to be filled, a living need that must be satisfied.

“From the moment of birth, children strive to“ create ”for themselves the kind of father they need,” says child psychologist Tatyana Bednik. – Therefore, it is so important for parents to listen to the child and accept the fact that his appearance will forever change their inner world. Becoming a father, a man enters into a new quality, acquires a dimension of his life still unknown to him.

Whatever his marital status – married, divorced or widower – the father solves a problem similar to the task of a sculptor standing in front of an array of stone. It is more difficult for those who have a daughter. A man will see a future woman in a girl. It is he who will make her feel her own value or devalue, help or hinder her from developing femininity.

Of course, the mother also plays a significant role in this process. But the father in the daughter’s fantasies will be the ideal man – the one who first looked at her with a masculine look. It is this look, growing up, that she will look for in future lovers. It does not matter whether her partner will be similar to her father or turn out to be his complete opposite – the father will serve as the starting point.

The look of the father the daughter remembers all her life

A man in the family symbolically embodies authority: a firm voice, prohibitions – all this is him. But it is the look of the father that will accompany the daughter all her life: both when she is being formed as a woman, and when her sexuality is complicated by problems, and when she is happy.

Many men find it difficult to appreciate the full significance of this look, because they do not know what consequences it will lead to.

“Surely there are things that didn’t work out for me as a father,” admits 48-year-old Pavel. – I think that I was quite harsh with Polina. In high school, she had a crisis: questionable buddies, vulgar clothes and makeup. And I dreamed of seeing a feminine, sophisticated girl … And I was indignant, shouted at her, we often cursed and in the end completely moved away from each other.

Now she is already a student, teenage quirks are left behind. I’m trying to get back in touch with her, but I seem to have lost my daughter’s trust.”

“It amazes me how often women at a meeting with a psychotherapist talk about exactly how their father looked at them,” says psychoanalyst Didier Loru. “As if his gaze, tinged with love or disappointment, admiration or disapproval, largely determined the difficulties they faced in love or sex life.”

Not too much love

“Every girl needs sincere interest and attention to her life, her thoughts and feelings,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova, a psychotherapist and author of the book “I Am Alone at My Home”. – An interested, open look is the first and main gift that a father can give her.

After many years, this loving look will manifest itself in her daughter’s personal life, and in the choice of girlfriends, and in her self-esteem. After all, the father is the main “expert” on how the world works and what this world expects from children.”

There must be enough love in his gaze, just enough – and not too much, Didier Laurue warns, otherwise it will prevent her daughter from living her life and finding a loved one outside her own family.

The attitude of the father to the mother also has a huge influence on the daughter, recalls Ekaterina Mikhailova. After all, this is the first model of relations between a man and a woman in a girl’s life. “Moreover, the attitude of the father to his own mother, that is, to the girl’s grandmother, is also important for her, especially if someday she herself has to become the mother of her son.”

Find the right distance in a relationship with your daughter

“My father raised me as a rookie sergeant,” recalls 46-year-old Natalia. – From morning to evening, I was obliged to fulfill the “standards”: tennis, reading books that he chose for me, music lessons … “Even as an adult, Natalia, according to her confession, continues to stand at attention, although her father has long no nearby.

“Too demanding or too admiring glance of the father is a sign that he is “stuck” in some of his attitudes and ideas,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. “Perhaps they are from his own childhood—although it was that of a boy, not a girl.

If the daughter is perceived as a doll or as an inferior replacement for her son, most likely, in the future, classic scenarios can be expected from her daughter – a capricious princess or a business lady always proving something to everyone.

Even such a specialist as the famous child psychologist Marcel Rufo admits that he did not master the art of communicating with his daughter to perfection: “I could reproach myself for not being close enough to her when she was in elementary school. Also, I can criticize myself for being too proud of her right now. At heart, I am the most ordinary father, and I have no more arguments than anyone else. Sometimes I want to talk to my daughter as a psychotherapist, but nothing ever comes of it.”

Still, it is better to look, if not always carefully or too closely, at your daughter than to look away altogether. Otherwise, when the girl grows up, she will be tormented by an unsatisfied need for love. She will demand from her partners what she can never get, will hope for what never existed.

In addition, the father will have to come to terms with the fact that over time, the daughter will overthrow him from the pedestal. “To deprive him of his ideal halo is to see the real father behind his image,” explains Didier Laurue. “It also means refusing to be the one who unconsciously tries to live up to his expectations. That is, allow yourself to be free in a relationship with another man.

Avoid ambiguity

The main pitfall of the relationship between father and daughter is incest. Fathers, like mothers in dealing with young sons, must cope with unconscious attraction that may arise against their will. For her part, because of her own oedipal desires and out of a desire to please her father, the daughter may interpret some of her father’s views as an attempt at seduction. And she herself involuntarily tries to seduce her father.

“The father must clearly state the prohibition against incest,” warns psychologist Jean-Claude Liauet. “It will help the daughter understand that her father cannot be her lover, not because she has no merit or is not good enough for him. It’s just not allowed.”

Be that as it may, psychoanalysts warn, if the father does not try to symbolically appropriate his daughter, it will be easier for her to separate from him in order to find herself a life partner. Growing up, the daughter will understand that by refusing to answer her demand for unconditional love, her father gave her the freedom to create her own life. This is the correct view: the gift is neither too light nor too heavy.