Dad is the law. Mom is the source of life

One often hears from women the regret that today’s boys do not have enough male education, and as a result of the lack of male education, men do not manifest themselves in a manly way. This is a huge truth, but are we ourselves ready for such an upbringing, are women themselves ready to accept the difficult norms of male upbringing, upbringing like a man? A woman will not bring up a man from a boy, only a man will bring him up like that. But a man has his own, different, not feminine, but masculine approach to education. Will a woman entrust the upbringing of her only (it is clear that fragile and defenseless) to these gu.e.m and ruthless men?

Proper distribution of roles between father and mother

The most important roles of parents in the upbringing of children should be clearly defined. Mother is the source of life. The task and role of the mother of the child is to love, care, support, patronize. The Pope is the Law. The father embodies the society within the family, establishes laws and rules. It can and must evaluate, establish boundaries, implement sanctions and punishments.

Mom and dad speak differently. Men are more often Enforcers, and although sometimes they are soft and sweet, it is not difficult for them to say in a way that will be clear: this must be done immediately. Otherwise … Dad’s word is always stronger than mom’s. Dad’s word is Law, and mom’s is just mom’s opinion. The pope can simply say «it’s not allowed» and «it should be» and that’s enough for it to be done.

Although, it is clear that it is better to explain, if possible.

Mom’s word weighs less. Women are more often Dushki, and although sometimes they speak sternly and may even shout, the child knows that her heart is soft. Mom is not iron, and it is not always necessary to listen to her. Mom can say “it’s impossible because dad said so,” but here mom refers to dad. Mom can refer to «all people do this», but this is also a reference. Moreover, if this is not entirely true and not everyone does this, the child can soon check this. Mom can say «I don’t like it» — but this is not the Law with a capital letter. This is only an opinion, a desire, albeit an authoritative person. Dad is obeyed because he is Dad, and mom is obeyed because we love her.

The task of the mother, her duty is to love, accept, the child in any circumstances, accept the child in spite of any of his behavior. The task and duty of the father is not to violate his orders, the sequence and systemic order, logic (to explain). Make sure that mom also observes law and order.

If there is no father in the family, what to do?

Try to have the child grow up surrounded by men, since a woman is simply not able to teach many male duties. The function of the father is often performed by other men — grandfather, uncle, sometimes even one of the neighbors. At least in the countryside and small towns, this happens. The role of dad can be performed by any male person, relative, grandmother (elderly), who is no longer perceived as a woman or any male figure from the environment.

After the war, when there were few men, the main educator in the yard could be a janitor. Children were brought to him. He brought up, explained what was good and what was bad, and he punished, if necessary.

However, the mother herself can do a lot. In fact, sometimes a mother can give her son a model of male behavior, sometimes a mother can bring him up like a man. A wise woman can change her roles — sometime she will strain, sometime she will regret, And sometime her son can be sent to the Suvorov School, there are many options — there would be a desire!

And if dad does not behave like a man, and mom does not behave like a woman?

Yes, in the modern situation, the functions of father and mother are often blurred, mixed or taken away — mainly from the father, and this is an unfortunate situation. The functions of love and law are best shared between parents. If these functions are personified by one parent, it is more difficult for a child to understand this, since the functions (unconditional acceptance and restriction) are opposite in their manifestations. The separation of functions is less confusing and reduces the child’s neuroticism.

However, nothing fatal, and in a good family, where parents know how to behave flexibly, in some situations they can change roles. And if mom ordered, dad can play along with her, hug the children and warmly explain that mom is right and there is no need to check her nerves. Dad can be light and cheerful in the family, it is only important that in serious situations the children know when the jokes end. Usually for this it is enough to change the facial expression, tone of voice and say seriously: “So, now I’m serious, I’m not kidding.” Everyone understood: jokes aside, now everything is done in order.

If the father in the family does not take on these functions, the child lives in a situation where boundaries are not marked. And it remains for him to either violate all boundaries, or “sit still” in anxiety, not knowing where these boundaries are. If the mother is engaged in the establishment of the law, the child does not listen to the mother and does not receive love, he perceives any sanction as an unfair, groundless punishment.

In the presence of a father, it is not effective for a mother to take on the functions of law and order. It is natural for a child of either sex to listen to a man, and a non-participating father is better than an authoritarianly participating mother.

Which for a mother, in today’s family culture, can be very uncomfortable.

Naturally, if there is a need, mom can agree in advance with dad about family rules. But dad will voice them. The best female position when raising a boy is a man, this is support for the position of the father and his approach to education (naturally, provided that this man is present in the family and that he is adequate).

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.