Caring for a child is their conscious choice. They interrupt their careers or leave their jobs altogether in order to go through all the difficulties and joys of parenthood with their wives. Gender equality is one of the core values in Northern Europe and the numbers speak for themselves: 80% of men in Scandinavian countries take parental leave. The personal stories of 14 Scandinavians have been collected by Alexander Feldberg and Roman Loshmanov in the book Nordic Dads. We publish an excerpt.
One of the heroes of the book, active, loving fathers, is the Icelandic musician and singer Jon Jonsson. At home, he is very popular: his music videos are collected on YouTube by 60-100 thousand views, which is about 20-30% of the country’s population. He also studied economics at Boston University and plays football well: in 2003 he even became the national champion among youths.
Hafdis Yon met his future wife in college: he saw her in a crowd of applicants and immediately realized: here she is, the one. He was then seventeen, and she was sixteen. Jon and Hafdis now have three children: 6-year-old son Triggvi, 4-year-old Mjodl and the youngest, Sigridur Soul, she is six weeks old. We publish a fragment of his story from the book “Nordic Dads. 14 stories about how active fatherhood changes the lives of children and their parents” by Alexander Feldberg and Roman Loshmanov. (MYTH, 2019)
Jon. How to be a friend to your children
Jon Triggvi was born in June 2013, and Jon Sr. wanted to spend the full father’s share of parental leave with his son – that is, three months.
“Hafdis sat with him in the summer, and I took over the shift in September so that my wife could finish medical school – she was studying to be a dentist. I then worked as the editor-in-chief of a weekly youth newspaper – I took a vacation there. After spending three months at home, I realized that I did not want to leave my son with an unfamiliar elderly nanny, and took another three months of vacation. And then he just quit the newspaper. In total, I spent nine months with Jon Triggvi at that time – from the age of three months to a year.
What was the most difficult part of your paternity leave? Perhaps, the feeling of loneliness in the first weeks, says Jon, when you don’t know what to do with yourself. “True, we had constant entertainment: once a day I took my son to Hafdis at work so that she would breastfeed him. She just had a practice – patients from eight to five, so it was not easy. We silently sneaked into the office, quietly waited for Khafdis to be free, then the wife quickly fed her son and, having finished, immediately shouted: “Next!” And we went to bed.”
If you want your husband to take care of the child with pleasure, you must trust him.
During childhood sleep, by the way, Jon Triggvi’s father managed to redo a bunch of things. “I carried it with me everywhere: to the gym, to business meetings, to the TV studio, on the radio. I think my son is the record holder for the number of television and radio broadcasts at such an early age – even if he slept most of them in the next room, ”says Jon.
I ask Hafdis if she was worried about leaving a very small child with her father. “Not at all,” she replies. – We agreed in advance that I would not write him messages from work and find out how things were going. If you need help, he will call. In general, it seems to me that this is a good rule for mothers: if you leave a child with a father, you don’t have to constantly get him messages and calls: “Have you warmed up the bottle?” or: “Well, how is it, is he already asleep?” Many of my girlfriends complain about their husbands: “He doesn’t do everything the way I said.” But he does not have to do everything the same way as you! If you want your husband to take care of the child with pleasure, you need to trust him.
“It’s very important,” Jon nods, “to know that your wife trusts you. And that you are not just a robot that mechanically executes commands, but you can find solutions to problems yourself and do some things in your own way. Then you get tired less, by the way.
I talk about what I read in one study about Icelandic parents: they say that many local fathers have such confidence in themselves that they believe that they can cope with babies better than mothers.
“It is hardly worth organizing such a competition,” Jon smiles. “Firstly, a man cannot breastfeed. Secondly, mothers have a special bond with their children from the very beginning. Take our youngest daughter Sigridur Soul, who is only six weeks old: often just hearing her mother’s voice is enough for her to stop crying. But children need both maternal and paternal love, especially when they grow up a little. For example, now I often play with the elders, but as soon as they get hurt, they run to hug their mother. This is fine. We raise them together, and our love will be enough for everyone.
Now the life of the family is built around baby Sigridur Soul: Hafdis had a caesarean section, and for the first couple of weeks she was very weak, so Jon put everything aside to take care of his wife. Everything is also planned for the near future: starting from autumn, Hafdis will work once a week, and from January to March he plans to return to the clinic for a full day – during this time, Jon will be at home with three children.
Jon admits that what he likes most of all is not to raise children, but to play with them
“It looks like you are really close to being the best dad ever. But what about the musician Jon Jonsson – does he not suffer from the fact that Jon’s dad is sitting at home? Is it possible to combine creativity with fatherhood?
“When the elders are in the kindergarten, and the youngest is sleeping, I can compose something. Well, then, let’s be honest: I’m a pop musician, I sing mostly about love and joy, and children only inspire me.
“But sometimes it happens that you have to choose: play a cool concert or stay at home with them?”
“In such cases, I always consult with Hafdis whether it is worth accepting this job at all. And if it is really interesting, then we are looking for options: you can call a grandmother or a babysitter for help. And the coolest thing is to combine business with pleasure. For example, in August, my brother and I are often invited to a music festival on the volcanic island of Heimaey, and I take the whole family there: we arrive a week earlier and have time to have a great rest. It’s amazingly beautiful there!”
Dad turns off the phone
Jon admits that most of all he loves not to raise children, but to play with them. In the summer they play football and jump on the trampoline in the garden next to the house, swing on the swings, go to the children’s climbing wall and, of course, to the outdoor thermal pools – Icelanders adore them. In winter, when it is light here for a maximum of four hours a day, you have to think more carefully about the daily routine.
If it snows, they go skiing or sledding, and in the evenings it’s time for cartoons, books and board games. But what about video games?
“So far, no tablets and PlayStation – we are strict with this,” says Jon. — We try to explain to children that it is much more interesting to do something for real in the real world than to pretend in the virtual one. After all, it is much cooler to score a goal yourself than to win a computer match sitting on the couch. In general, it is difficult for me to understand parents who give a two-year-old child in a stroller a phone or a tablet with a cartoon.
There is such beauty around, and your son or daughter, instead of exploring the world, noticing something new or unusual, looks at the phone! Therefore, we strictly limit the use of gadgets and ourselves try not to abuse them in front of children. After all, very often parents give their children a phone or tablet just to be able to bury themselves in the gadget.
And then the child thinks: my dad has been on the phone all evening, so this is normal. Recently Jon Triggvi and I were playing football and I decided to reply to some important message. The son immediately became indignant and shouted: “Hey dad, now is not the time for the phone!” I was completely happy with his reaction – and, of course, the phone turned off immediately.
If you ask to buy you some expensive thing, then your parents will have to work x hours more
For everything good, Jon believes, children should be encouraged. It’s mostly about the little things, he explains, about reinforcing skills that will come in very handy in life. For example, if a child dressed himself for several days in a row, he receives a sticker. And for ten stickers – a prize. He also taught children to overcome shyness and say hello to the kindergarten teacher. I said hello several times – another sticker.
“Another example is learning to talk, to use words to express your feelings,” Jon continues. – Children at the age of five or six are prone to sudden mood swings, they are often capricious and cannot explain what is wrong. Then I say: “Please calm down and tell me what happened.” And if the child succeeds, this is also a reason to encourage him.”
Of course, not only stickers are used. After a successful match (Jon Triggvi plays football) or a successful performance (Mjodl goes to ballet), the family often goes to a cafe, swimming pool or zoo to celebrate a joyful event.
“But how to bring up a responsible attitude towards money in a child? What does the economist Jon Jonsson think about this?”
“My children are still small for such conversations, but the lectures that I give in high school are often devoted to this very topic. On them, I try to explain, for example, that if you ask to buy you some expensive thing, then your parents will have to work x hours more, and this is the amount of time they will have to spend not with you, but additionally at work. I think it makes kids think.”
“As for Mjoll and Jon Triggvi, when they start asking for everything a couple of months before Christmas, this is how I do it. “Do you like this thing? I ask. – Okay, hold her, please, and I’ll take a picture of you. And before Christmas, I’ll ask again if you really want it as a gift. We have a lot of photos for the holiday, and the children have to make a choice. So they learn to understand what they really need and what they can do without.
Let’s be friends
We go for a walk and in a couple of minutes we find ourselves on the ocean. Older children ride in front on scooters, followed by Hafdis with a stroller and Jon and I. I ask Jon if he wants Jon Triggvi to become a footballer.
“Why only the son? My daughter recently also announced that she wants to go to the football section! Jon says. Gender stereotypes are long gone. Although, to be honest, we wanted to send our son to ballet, but he once went to class and firmly stated: “Only football.” Let’s see now if Mjoll likes to kick the ball. As for my son’s athletic career…
You know, my best childhood memory is the days of football tournaments. Usually in the morning my mother saw us off to school, but on such days my father took a day off, woke me up in the morning, cooked oatmeal, we had breakfast and went to the competition. Since then, a lot has changed, I managed to play at a good level and finish with football, but you know, this feeling is morning, I open my eyes and understand: dad will not go to work today and we will be together all day! has stayed with me for the rest of my life.
I want the same happy memories for my son, and this is much more important than whether he becomes a football player. Although recently he also had his first tournament, and I was terribly worried!” And Jon also wants to be a friend to his children.
“Does that happen at all? I ask. “After all, friends are one thing, and parents are another, aren’t they?”
Jon shrugs and looks out over the ocean, squinting into the not-too-bright Icelandic sun. “I don’t know. I am trying very hard. I never yell at them, but calmly explain everything, because I don’t need the children to be afraid of me – I want them to trust me. And then I think we’ll be friends. I hope I succeed.” I’m practically sure of it.”
Read this and other 13 stories of fathers from Sweden, Norway, Finland and other Scandinavian countries in the book Nordic Dads by Alexander Feldberg and Roman Loshmanov (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2019).