What can make us break off relations with our mother or father? And do we have the right to do so? Yes, psychologists say. If the relationship becomes too traumatic.
Relationships with parents can sometimes hurt and cause suffering, but rarely does anyone decide to cut off all ties with their mother and / or father. There are even fewer of those who can not be tormented by this feeling of guilt. Nevertheless, sometimes a breakup becomes the only way out for a son or daughter. This happens when a relationship becomes too traumatic.
“My parents put a lot of effort into me — but not a drop of soul. I never felt loved. There were not the slightest human manifestations: they never caressed me, they didn’t say a tender word, we didn’t have intimate conversations, I didn’t receive gifts from them,” says 40-year-old Mikhail. “They were only interested in my achievements, and they were completely deaf to my feelings and thoughts. My father was constantly absent, and my mother unceremoniously interfered in all my affairs.
One evening, shortly after leaving school, he rebelled, made a scandal and almost blew the whole house to smithereens. “I could neither kill them nor kill myself. My rebellion made no sense. And I realized that there was only one thing left for me — to destroy all ties between us, ”he explains more than twenty years later. He was the only child in the family, he was never beaten, but living in an emotional vacuum was unbearable for him.
Sometimes a break is necessary, it brings release
Adults can break off relations with their parents for various reasons, each case is different, but they all have something in common: a complete break is perceived as the only way to protect themselves from life-poisoning relationships. Not necessarily the reason lies in physical or psychological abuse, it may simply be the inability to maintain a relationship that suffocates or absorbs a person.
“Sometimes a breakup is necessary, it brings liberation,” confirms psychotherapist Nicole Prieur in the book “We betrayed ourselves so many times. Love, family and betrayal. This happens if the relationship, whether it was calm or conflicted, prevented the children from growing up and forming their own personality, if the children felt oppressed, abandoned, mistreated, or turned them into hostages of parental desires.
When and how does the break happen?
Sometimes only one of the children decides to break up, because he got more suffering. Irina, now 44, dutifully endured her mother’s «icy sadism» in childhood and adolescence, while her two brothers were «indescribably spoiled.» But when she saw a grimace of disgust on the face of her mother, bending over her granddaughter’s cradle, Irina decided to burn all the bridges.
Typically, the gap is associated with symbolic transitional moments in life: the end of adolescence, the creation of one’s own family, or the appearance of the first child. These are the three turning points where separation from parents is easier. The occasion always seems insignificant: a word, a gesture, an act that overflows the cup of suffering.
Gérard Poussin, a psychologist and psychiatrist, notes in Rompre ces liens qui nous étouffent, How to break the ties that suffocate us, that in most cases the breakup occurs abruptly, sometimes calmly, sometimes with cries, but it is rarely accompanied by explanations: “ Otherwise, this step would have been too hard to take.”
In addition, it is never done thoughtlessly. “Usually people decide to break up after years of trying to stay in touch no matter what. Relationships are not broken with joy, ”the psychologist emphasizes. And the breakup brings not only a sense of liberation: usually a person is overwhelmed with anxious feelings, in which suffering, relief and guilt are mixed.
“Even if he is confident in the correctness of the decision made and claims that there is no guilt behind him, this feeling is still present: deep down he feels guilty that he was not loved the way he wanted,” says psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle in the book «Cutting the Umbilical Cord, Healing Our Emotional Addictions».
Work on yourself
“A break is sometimes necessary, but in itself it does not solve the problem,” notes Gerard Poussin. “It can prolong suffering or even create new problems with loved ones.” In order for the separation to bear fruit, you need to be able to “break with yourself, and not with your parents,” continues Virginie Meggle, “anger and hatred keep the bond and, against our will, strengthen infantile relationships.”
To express in words actions and emotions, to analyze the reasons that led to the break — this is a necessary work on oneself in such a situation. It is important to try to understand the father or mother (which does not mean in this case to forgive them) and try to make a list of the good things they gave us, even in negligible doses — such work helps to grow up and get rid of emotional dependence.
It is better to cut the symbolic umbilical cord than to burn all the bridges
“The child who rejects everything that he received from his parents is bad, and not the one who does not love them,” says Nicole Prieur. “Therefore, you need to acknowledge the existence of your suffering, give it the opportunity to manifest itself. It can be just one phrase, something like: “Yes, this is the life I live!”
Unconditional reconciliation
After many years of silence, a person may feel the need to rekindle the relationship, for example, in connection with an important family event. Reconciliation can occur during a serious illness of one of the parents, when there is a feeling that, having weakened, he no longer threatens his child.
But, according to Nicole Prieur, reconciliation before death will be possible only on the condition that you do not dream of finding an ideal parent. After all, even after twenty years, having lost its strength, it can remain tough and intolerant. And in order not to be again in the position of a child and protect yourself from a traumatic relationship, it is better to work on yourself first.
Mikhail believes that psychotherapy helped him develop the right distance in relation to his parents: “When I analyzed their past, I was finally able to understand them, and most importantly, I realized that I could not change them. My father died last year, my mother calls me twice a year. I talk to her quite calmly, because now we both know that she will no longer be able to interfere in my life.
Stop idealizing the relationship — accepting the parent for who they are and establishing the necessary distance — this is the only way to maintain self-respect and make yourself respected without hurting yourself. It is better to cut the symbolic umbilical cord than to burn all the bridges.