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Until recently, going to another city to study meant separating from the family. The adult life of a son or daughter often began with a departure from home. Now technology allows parents and children to stay in touch. What does it change?
For those under 20, it’s hard to imagine what it meant to their parents’ generation to go to college in another city and leave home. Back in the 1990s, this was a turning point, the beginning of a completely new, adult life. I remember these mixed feelings well: now I am fully responsible for my life, I make all decisions myself – from small, everyday ones to the most serious ones. No one watches how I eat, what time I come home, I do a lot or a little, with whom I am friends … True, sometimes it becomes unbearably sad, I want to complain, share, consult. But at the same time, I feel independent – and free. Conversations with parents are rare and short: long-distance calls are expensive. Telegram for emergencies. And detailed communication is only in letters. If you ask a question or tell about trouble, the answer will come in ten days…
Today, the world seems to have become much smaller. It is difficult to find a person who does not have a mobile phone. Wireless Internet is also already everywhere. We are constantly in touch: text messages, calls, emails, social networks. And when we talk on Skype, the feeling that there are hundreds or thousands of kilometers between us completely disappears. In a word, distances no longer separate us. Our kids didn’t seem to be going anywhere.
Move away, remaining “on the wire”, “in contact” and under the supervision of a video camera. Does it mean to leave?
Here is an example of my young friend, 20-year-old Agnia. She is studying to be a pharmacist, came to Moscow from Voronezh, rents a room. A very homely girl, she talks to her parents on Skype every evening. A little less often – with her older sister, who moved to Prague a long time ago. The classmate with whom she is planning an affair now lives in St. Petersburg, during the day they exchange messages and photos on Vkontakte several times. So is it possible to say that Agniya really “left” from her parental home? “I guess so,” she laughs. “But I don’t really feel it. What’s wrong with being constantly in touch? This way I feel more secure and confident. I remember when I was finishing school, my mother’s questions angered me: where am I, with whom, when I come home, why did I put on this and not that. And now in the morning on the way to class, I myself call on viber and tell her about everything.
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It seems that the digital generation is really different from their parents. We, as a rule, rushed “for freedom”, longed to gain independence, loudly declared our need for independence. Young adults of the XNUMXst century often, on the contrary, postpone this step. Much to the relief of his parents. “Children just don’t think about letting go of their parents,” says psychologist Béatrice Copper-Royer, “not answering every call, turning off Skype. They do not want to feel guilty, on the contrary, they strive for ease in communication. It seems that neither children nor adults see the point in parting anymore.
Relinquish control
“Modern parents are easier than previous generations to let their growing children leave the house,” says psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “And at the same time, thanks to new means of communication, they monitor them more closely and control them for much longer.” And sometimes they lose their sense of proportion. Being able to keep in touch without interruption breeds anxiety where it might not exist. Some parents call their kids during class or follow them on their trips using geolocation, sometimes without the kids knowing. Lyudmila, Agnia’s mother, agrees: “I miss my youngest daughter a lot and I’m very worried about how she copes alone in a foreign city, and even in a metropolis. Skype conversation is soothing. But it was not so with the eldest daughter. Tanya left for Prague in 1999. We didn’t have internet or cell phones back then, so we rarely talked. But in the intervals between calls, for some reason, I was not too worried. Somehow I convinced myself that Tanya could handle it.
“Losing control over the lives of children, some adults may feel severe anxiety,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova, “and modern means of communication allow this concern to be quickly removed. If there were no Skype and mobile, parents would have to do some inner work, formulate for themselves: what do I expect from my child now that he has grown up? Why do I need to communicate with him so much? And somehow come to an agreement with him, finally transfer part of the responsibility to him.” Instead, they often use such a compelling argument: they feel sorry for the children.
We live in a small world
To be born in one country, study in another, work in a third, and retire in a fourth – this has long been nothing unusual. Moving around the world, knowing that we can always come back… and leave again – for a few days, for a few years or forever. 77% of graduates of Russian universities would like to work abroad*. True, only 17% of them at the time of the survey were trying to realize their dream. In any case, we are included in the global migration processes, which means that many parents and children will have to switch to virtual communication. Our experts are sure that while supporting a son or daughter for the first time after leaving, helping to cope with excitement, insecurity, parents should nevertheless catch the moment when the stress has passed, and gradually “let go” of the child, break the umbilical cord. Allowing him (and myself) to begin to live each his own life. G. Ch.
* The survey was conducted by the HR portal career.ru in August 2014.
Feeling good for them
Irina immediately after school left to study from St. Petersburg to Moscow. “It just breaks my heart when I hear her tears,” says her mother Marina. – Already in the second year, but still will not get used to it. She lacks warmth and comfort. Either he remembers my pies, or our gatherings in the kitchen. Calls me even from the institute: they say, I want to hear your voice. And of course I console her. In the afternoon I send messages: is everything all right? We talk on Skype several times a week in the evenings. She won’t be able to do it otherwise.”
Galiya Nigmetzhanova objects: “We are developing, experiencing loss and separation. This is the only way to get out of childhood into adulthood. Feelings of sadness and loneliness help young people begin to solve their life tasks on their own. Thanks to them, a program of my own actions is born: how will I continue to live on my own, how will I cope with difficult situations? When parents are constantly in touch with the child, they do not give him a chance to understand his desires, to grow up. Mental work is necessary for the development of personality.
“When parents are always there, ready to insure in all life conflicts, it is difficult for young people to take responsibility – both in work and in personal relationships, and even in the parental role,” agrees Beatrice Koper-Royer. She sees the results in her office: often her adult clients are loving and beloved “children” who can fully rely on the support of their parental family … and who do not dare to rely on themselves, trust their own opinion.
Field for experiment
The danger of these convenient digital “favorite toys” that allow you to instantly and at any time feel the closeness of parents is that they make it possible to maintain a (regressive) infantile connection with the mother almost indefinitely. And they prevent the child from overcoming the fantasy of his omnipotence, approaching himself in silence, and seeing others more clearly.
If so, what are we to do? Béatrice Koper-Royer suggests experimenting a bit: “Parents and children might try to move away from each other from time to time. Completely “disconnect” from communication for several days or even for a longer period to see how the children will cope with their problems without the elders. And perhaps enjoy the happiness that comes from feeling that not everyone needs to share. And even miss each other, and then enjoy the virtual meeting.
It is also worth being more attentive to the reasons for communication, adds Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “Often the conversation is structured like this: tell me how you are doing there, and I will advise you something, and then I will also check how you did everything. But the most reasonable thing in communicating with grown children is to talk to them about their experiences. What made me happy, what made me sad. Be on the same wavelength with them. Then we discover their inner world for ourselves, recognizing that this is the world of another person. And, as far as we can, we open ourselves to our children.” In the hustle and bustle, in daily mode, such contact will not work out. Therefore, the temptation to “get in touch” will disappear by itself every now and then.
Of course, we still have to deal with the “empty nest syndrome”. We miss our children, we miss them. I really want to feel as in demand as before, when they were there and constantly needed us. “But being constantly in touch means creating an illusory impression that everything is still the same,” emphasizes Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – It does not allow us to live on. But now that the children have grown up, we have new opportunities. Our marital relationship can take on a new breath, we can start learning again…” And at the same time be with your child in sorrow and in joy. But only at his request.
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