Says a young mother named Galya:
“I just don’t know how to behave. Until the age of two, we lived quietly. She understood everything. I tell her she will. And now … I say: “Pick up the toy,” and she will also throw another one on the floor. I say: “You can’t tear books,” so she will wait until I leave the room, take them out of the closet and tear them into small pieces. You start to punish — yells like a cut, throws himself on the floor. I painted the kitchen table with a new marker — my grandmother almost had a stroke. She grabbed some important paper from her husband’s desk and crumpled it up. And he knows that he can’t. It doesn’t matter… On the street, too… At first, I won’t go for a walk. Then I won’t go home. I don’t understand what she wants anymore. The neurologist had, he said: healthy. True, he prescribed some pills … The husband says: you spoiled her. And I never spoiled her…
Little Larisa, two and a half years old, is funny, sociable, with a button nose and sly gray eyes. In the office, she climbs into all the drawers, dragged all the toys to the floor, stealthily looking back at her mother, and sneaks up to my keys.
I ask Galya:
— Tell us, please, what you can and cannot do in your house …
Galya (indecisively):
— Well, that is, like … Like everyone else … you can’t draw on the wallpaper …
— Where can you?
— In the album, she has a special one, but for some reason she doesn’t draw in it … Well, you can’t take dishes from the sideboard, tear books, open water without asking, splash, pour on the floor … What do you think, we are everything to her we ban it, right? Yes she…
“No, no, I don’t think so at all. Please continue.
Galya (thoughtfully):
— Well, you can’t pick leaves from flowers, torture a cat, climb onto a windowsill, touch sockets, knock on furniture … you know, it’s very difficult to list everything. What is it for?
“You see, I asked you to name what can and that must not in your house. And the word can I put it first. You just gave me must not…
Everything else is possible! This is understandable.
— This is clear to you, maybe it is clear to me … although, by the way, not very well either … Is it possible to knock on the walls? Draw with a marker on glass?
Galya (somewhat confused):
— Knock on the walls? N-I don’t know…
— So Larisa doesn’t know either. The essence of her metamorphosis, which frightened you so much, is that your daughter has ceased to be a simple extension of you, remember your own formulation: “I said — she did.” Now she has got own needs, desires and interests. Until recently, your worldview pictures coincided (more precisely, Larisa used yours), today everything is different. You will say that a newborn baby has its own needs, for example, to have dry diapers. This is true, but only now, after two years (for each child this age is individual), Larisa realized these desires and needs, in scientific terms, she reflected. The baby «knows» that his main task is to be with his mother, and the satisfaction of all other needs depends entirely on this fact. This is not the case with a two-year-old child. He already has his own desires, separate from his mother, and one of them is to explore the world around him. Practically the first thing a child wants to find out about this world is what is possible and what is not. It is in this sequence, because, as you rightly noted, Larisa already knows a lot about what is impossible. But so far, she’s taken it all for granted. And now he checks — is it really impossible? And what will happen if … And what, in the end, is possible ?!
Galya (impatiently and slightly annoyed):
“So what, I have to let her do everything?! It’s dangerous…and just impossible…
— Of course, it is impossible. Probably, when building communication with Larisa, you just need to take into account the fact that your daughter has grown up a little and has entered the next phase of age development.
— But how to take it into account? Sometimes I feel like she’s teasing me on purpose…
— Quite right. Just not teasing, but studying your reactions. Parents are the first and most important object of study, it is so natural. And as for how to take into account … How do you think you should behave now?
“I think you need to tell her straight out that you can…”
— So-so. And every «can’t»…
— And each «cannot» be accompanied by a «can» …
— Quite right. You can’t tear books, but you can — old newspapers, advertisements. You can not knock on the sideboard, but you can — on the board. You can’t jump from the windowsill, but you can jump from a chair, from a sofa.
— And further. Since she is now a person with us, we must explain everything to her. I try, but sometimes she drives me like that …
— Maybe Larisa «brings» you when the explanations are incomprehensible or unconvincing to her? Maybe sometimes you should let her make a little experiment? Of course, under your control?
“Yeah, probably,” Galya thought. — Here she was, little to the iron, all climbed, prevented me from ironing, and my grandmother somehow got angry and said: “You don’t believe that bo-bo, here’s an iron for you, take it!” She touched it, burned herself and didn’t climb on the table when they stroked …
— See how good it is. A combination of explanation and, when possible, experience.
— But there are things … For example, she drags a cat by the tail. And they explained to her a hundred times that the cat was in pain, and the cat scratched her — nothing helps …
— This is a very good and important question. Indeed, a child cannot be allowed to try to jump from the 5th floor, and it is also intelligible to explain why this cannot be done. In such cases, the system of family taboos comes to the rescue. It is unique for each family, but should not include more than two or three items. It must really be very important items related to life, health, as well as the basic moral principles of the family. Taboo is something that you absolutely cannot do. In biological essence, taboos are close to conditioned reflexes. An example of the taboo system adopted in the family:
- You can not hit any of the family members.
- You can’t hurt a cat.
- You can not open the window to the street.
The taboo is developed in the following way. First, all family members agree on the content of the system. After agreement, the roles are assigned. For a while, all members of the family will have to become actors, for there is indeed something theatrical in the development of taboos, and if you look deeper, something from ancient rituals. After all, if you remember, it was the savages who had very complex and ramified taboo systems that regulated almost the entire life of the adult population of the tribe. Suppose the postulate that a one and a half year old child needs to learn sounds like this: “You can’t beat your mother!”
And then the little aggressor, dissatisfied with something, swung and, as he usually does, slapped his mother on the cheek. If the child was held at the same time in his arms, then he was immediately lowered to the floor. From that moment until the end of the scene, no one addresses him directly. All replicas are given through his head. Example scenario:
Mom: How! My son hit me! Oh my God! What should I do! How unhappy I am! (He sits with his face in his hands, then slowly, groaning, retires into another room.)
Dad: Incredible! He dared to hit his mother! What a nightmare! And this is my son! I am destroyed! I don’t want to see him and talk about it. (He leaves after his wife and there he loudly consoles her, continuing to loudly indignant at the act of his son.)
Grandmother: Oh my God! And it’s in our house! Yes, I lived with my grandfather for forty years, he never raised a hand against me! And my grandson … (Shaking his head sadly, he leaves after the others.)
Alienation from parents is the most terrible and incredible event in the life of a small child. As a result of the scene described above (unless, of course, no one giggles during the performance), the child is convinced that there are actions that can turn his world upside down. There is no time for experimentation. As a rule, two or three repetitions are enough for the handle brought in to strike to begin to fall by itself. Just keep in mind that such a reaction should be met each taboo misdemeanor of a child. It cannot be that today everyone is moaning like crazy, and the next day they do not pay attention to the same thing. Such a deviation is far more harmful than abandoning the taboo system altogether.
“So, okay, I understand everything,” Galya said decisively. — And what if I do all this, she will stop «getting» me?
Larisa finally stole my keys and quickly crawled under the chair with them.
Give the keys to the doctor! Galya immediately screamed out loud. — Give it back immediately!
“And you know, Larisa, it’s possible to take the keys,” I say thoughtfully.
Larisa immediately crawls out from under the chair, hands me the keys:
“Here, aunt, kyuchi,” she says and begins to look predatory at the loose-leaf calendar …
It is clear that in the family of Larisa and Gali, whims stemmed from the inability of the mother to clearly convey her educational position to her daughter.
The mobile, intelligent girl is already studying the world around her with might and main (including the personality of her mother), and Galya still perceives her as her physical extension. At the same time, it is as if implied that for Larisa “it goes without saying” everything that is obvious for Galya.
After our first meeting, Galya and her husband defined the family system as a taboo (it was still easier for them to forbid than to allow, and they put off the question of what is “possible” for later) and began to put it into practice.
Larisa, quite accustomed to constant swearing, shouting and even slapping and paying almost no attention to them, never met with alienation in her life. After the first «terrorist act» in relation to the cat, this experience literally stunned her. With wild cries, she rushed after the solemnly retired parents. The frightened Galya was already ready to interrupt the «educational event», but a more sober-minded husband stopped his wife. Larisa remembered her lesson for a week. And after the second attempt, the days of rest came for the cat — nothing threatened her tail anymore.
It was more difficult with the permissive “you can”. Galya admitted that Larisa had nothing to do with it, and it was she who could not immediately and forever overcome the habit of forbidding everything. Sometimes, as at the first meeting in my office, she first shouted: “You can’t!” — and only then wondered if it was really so. But the persistence of the young woman allowed the situation to gradually improve, and success was achieved — Larisa almost stopped being capricious.