Inna Khamitova read John Gottman’s book “The Map of Love” for us.
John Gottman “The Map of Love”
John Gottman, American family psychologist, professor at the University of Washington (USA), one of the founders of the Institute for the Study of Marriage and Relationships in Seattle. “The Map of Love” is his first book translated into Russian.
Eksmo, 416 p.
“The book is based on John Gottman’s famous 1999 study of marital relationships. Volunteers, married couples of different ages, lived for some time under the supervision of video cameras. Psychologists talked with each of the spouses and simultaneously recorded parameters that were not observed by the eye: pressure, heart rate, blood flow, white blood cell levels, skin moisture, and various immune functions of the body. Analysis of video recordings, measurement results and personal interviews allowed Gottman to formulate the basic principles of a happy marriage and even predict, from the very first minutes of observing a couple, how long this union will last. It is curious that John Gottman, in fact, proved the laws of harmonious relationships, which were previously (empirically) discovered by prominent family psychologists Virginia Satir, Salvador Minukhin, Mara Selvini-Palazolli. In the book, he outlines the basics and principles of human communication: how we begin to communicate, how we maintain relationships, how we behave in conflicts. He refutes many myths about marriage: “a conflict-free marriage is successful”, “romantic relationships on the side are the reason for divorce”, “men and women will never understand each other.” Or this one: “neurosis will definitely destroy the marriage.” That is, if one of the partners has personal problems, then the family will definitely break up. I agree with the author that partners with complementary neuroses (an overly responsible person and an irresponsible one, “father” – “daughter”, “mother” – “son”) can quite successfully realize their different needs in marriage.
Listing the principles of a strong marriage, Gottman writes about the obvious things that we often forget about. How important it is to be friends and spend time together. To show tenderness, to be able to admire. Do not be offended by the incomprehensible actions of the partner, but try to find out what still leads him. Share your experiences – any! Finally, it is very important at some point to understand that a loved one will never change, and accept him with his weaknesses. Of course, those who are filled with resentment, who see the other as an attacker, and in themselves as a victim, most likely need the help of a family therapist. But this book will be useful to partners who are open to dialogue. Analysis of the situations described here, recommendations, tests will certainly help them create a common world and find a common meaning.”