Contents
Couples without illusion: how to recover what one day made you unique
Gender
The psychologist and doctor in Neuroscience, Ana Asensio, explains what are the phases that a couple lives and reveals how to turn illusions into a motor of the sentimental relationship
– We need to talk.
– What?
– That we have to talk.
– Now?
– Yes, now.
– Because?
– Because this is not what it used to be. We are no longer the same.
And if your relationship is not the same as before and you are no longer the same, what is the problem? Do you pretend to remain or always be the same? The first thing a “disillusioned” couple should know, according to the psychologist and doctor in Neuroscience Ana Asensio, is that their romantic relationship will go through different phases or stagesthroughout its history and that both the care of that union and the personal state of each of them will influence its evolution.
Phases of the couple
- 1. Infatuation. There is an alteration of reality, there is a distorted vision of the other. We feel the effect of dopamine, the pleasure, the excitement, the nerves and the feeling of euphoria.
- 2. Familiarity. We secrete oxytocin next to it. We like each other, we enjoy good times. We live some readjustment, but still with some ‘blindness’.
- 3. We perceive reality. The first crises, discussions or disappointments occur. Passion, love and projects and illusions coexist with doubts. We see the imperfections of the other that bother us.
- 4. Consciousness. I feel that I love the other person, I learn to love him, I intend to love him. But I also live a phase of neutral state with a certain confusion about where the couple is going.
- 5. Maturity and growth. The couple is understood as ‘whole oranges’ that love each other from their uniqueness. The concept ‘I love you’ becomes ‘I love you’. They choose to love each other and understand that they are friends, partner, lovers, parents, partners, and also individual people. They want to love each other well, they have certainties and peace. They understand how they should take care of the relationship and that it goes through phases. They choose life together.
But the psychologist also explains that the fact that a couple has been together for many years does not imply that it is eternal nor does it have to result in the flame having gone out and cannot be re-lit. On the one hand, as he clarifies, it is normal for the Stress, financial concerns or the education of the children (if any) are able to diminish the passion and increase the belief that “this is not what it used to be” giving rise to the feeling that the relationship has ended. And on the other hand, according to comments, it is also something normal and human fantasize about another life or with other stimuli.
That is why what the couple has to be clear about, according to Asensio, is whether they both want to re-illusion y re-fall in love. That means reserving time exclusively for the couple and reconnecting common values, conversations and attraction. This may not come naturally because habit and everyday life tend to take the limelight from these moments. But, as the psychologist proposes, everything is a question of “attitude and will.”
Operation re-illusion
If both have the vocation and the desire to re-fall in love, the important thing is that they are honest with themselves and with the other and get down to work.
The game of seduction it can be a good start, as proposed by Ana Asensio, who invites us to “go back to fooling around, looking with courtship eyes and exchanging criticism for flattery.” If you like it or you like it, you can write love notes and check how the other person receives them or in what way they return them because they do not have to do it in the same way as you.
After the seduction he proposes to surrender to discovery on the other, so that both of you can talk about your dreams and your wishes. “You can try to ask yourself questions, as a game, perhaps you will discover things about the person you live with that you would never have imagined,” he suggests.
One of the keys to making this discovery work is looking for new topics in your conversations. «Do not talk about day-to-day activities, or work or children. Put that kind of talk ‘on airplane mode’ and move on to something else. You can look for something in common that is re-exciting like a trip, a business, a plan, a common hobby. The idea is that you feel companions and accomplices “, he clarifies.
Other ideas that may be less original but are no less effective have to do with physical care and the ability to surprise each other. Thus, physically and conscientiously grooming both for oneself and for the other person or making a trip to a hotel with the joint intention of spending a night of passion can be more effective than we think.
After the discovery came the Trust. It is time to ask nicely for what we would like: a hug, a detail, some pampering, some passionate quotes, some shared silences… “Ask for what you need from the other person assertively, with clarity and kindness,” Asensio proposes. The psychologist recalls in this sense that many of the alterations that occur in couples come from the absence of communication or bad practices around it.
The next step would be the delivery. Prioritizing your partner implies being aware that he needs to be cared for and cared for. “The other is a person with affections, emotions, concerns and a previous life, like you, so use your empathy and compassion to get closer,” he advises.
And all this under the magnifying glass of the flexible and the continuity, so that our criticisms are constructive and timely, that we are able to give before we ask too much and that, in some way, we become the partner we would like to have. “Be your best version for the person you want to be your life partner”, Asensio sentenced.
Four ideas to get excited again
La delusion It must be, as the psychologist Ana Asensio proposes, that «puppet in the head» (as the expert confesses that her grandmother said) that serves to excite us, work together, unite us in a project, dialogue and look in the same direction, but always with our feet on the ground and being clear that “illusions are nothing more than illusions” and that reality is reached with small steps or daily actions. “The important thing is that we have shared illusions because if we only have individual illusions we will begin to function on parallel paths,” he highlights. These are, in his opinion, four ideas that can help you get excited again:
1. Take action. One trick to achieve this is to visualize. And if inspiration does not come, then it is important to act and try. Sometimes it seems that life has buried the signs that indicate where to continue the path and for these to reappear we must put ourselves in search mode, with the attitude of play and gymkhana, trusting that we will find clues and prizes.
2. Have a goal, a projected illusionInstead of analyzing why I am not excited or what is happening to me, it is necessary to direct the course towards the search for that which will bring me back the illusion of life. Own and shared illusions are part of the spice of life. Make a list of old and new illusions. Anything goes. From changing the home decor to learning a new hobby, to starting to change habits taking care of ourselves and taking care of the relationship.
3. Bring news to your life and your partner. That requires an exercise in creativity to find what could be nutritious and new for you and your life as a couple. The novelties do not have inertia nor are they automated. You can always create anew and create your new love story from characters and attitudes that do you good and that you have not explored before: blind dates, changing the place to sleep, swapping roles at home … Planning activities that you have never shared can turn out to be a game that unites you more.
4. Motivation is essential. It is movement and emotion in action. It is important to feel that motivation to feel alive, move, act, search, try and keep walking with a “beginner’s mind” that allows us to enjoy life as if we were children. With action, dedication and will your motivation will emerge and finally that reillusion will arrive that on many occasions is longed for as an impossible but that is closer than your doubts let you see. Remember that he who does not dream is not realistic and that life is a dream turned into action. Nothing is more worth investing in you, to learn to be happy, “he says.
Finally, the psychologist invites us to remember that a life without emotion is not life and that what we long for and do not obtain may be closer than we think. It is only necessary to change the game tiles and spend a little time playing each day.
Each couple, each circumstance and each life is a world. The commitment with life and with the other can be one of the best things that happen to you and the second, third and fourth lives of the couple are wonderful to enjoy and grow on the path of life.