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Couple The cracks of love after confinement: Where is your relationship?
Recovering complicity, passion and intimacy are some of the keys to repair the damage that has occurred in the couple’s relationship in situations of stress, anxiety or uncertainty
La “New normal” is approaching and with it maybe the time to do Libra of what confinement has done to our lives. The exceptional situation that has been experienced in many homes in recent months has caused many couples to arrive more than “touched” at the beginning of the summer. But this context can also be useful, as proposed by Lidia Alvarado, a psychologist and couples therapist, to make an X-ray of the level of the relationship. “This will help to identify what the couple’s needs are, it will allow us to act on what is happening and also to find solutions before it is too late. The good news is that whatever the
phase in which the relationship is, you can always do something to solve it, “he argues.
Relationships are dynamic and they change over the years. But also the circumstances, problems, routine and other external factors make them go through different phases. In general terms, there are three levels in the couple relationship that the psychologist Lidia Alvarado defines as follows:
Level 1: A lot of love and a lot of passion
When the relationship is at this level, the two members of the couple always focus on what they like about the other and, although they are able to recognize what they like less about the other, they are able to downplay it.
Another trait that characterizes couples at this level is that they seek a way to spend the highest quality time together and both strive to please the other and meet their needs.
They tend to express and show their love and take care of the relationship by doing everything they know that helps to strengthen it. When they are together, the mood of both is positive.
Level 2: Much love and little passion
A relationship that is at this level implies that although both have strong feelings for each other, they have begun to be aware of how routine and day-to-day problems affect them.
Their moments of intimacy are less and less frequent, there is little space for play and they lose what fostered their complicity and passion.
This level of relationship can be tolerated for a time as neither will want to let it affect them and they will hope that it is something temporary.
This couple will consider it “normal” that passion is not so important as long as there is love and they will justify what happens by blaming problems, fatigue or children.
Level 3: Little love and little passion
If the relationship is at this level, you are losing connection. At this point, one or both of you will perceive that feelings are changing and that everything that you liked about the other person begins to be, in some way, annoying.
The relationship starts to get sloppy and both of them divert their attention to other things. If before they were looking for time to be together, now they spend that time doing other activities or being with other people.
The complicity that existed at the beginning of the relationship disappears and every day the signs of distancing are more evident: communication is lost, the language changes (affectionate or kind words are not used but cold and distant words), he fantasizes about the possibility that finish the relationship.
When there is little love and little passion, we are not really talking about a “partner,” even though both love and respect each other. What’s more, the psychologist explains that, if the couple stays at this level for a while, it will not be uncommon for activities, distractions or even lovers to help meet the needs that cannot be covered as a couple.
How to resolve a lack of passion
Once an analysis has been made of the point where the couple’s relationship is, the psychologist Lidia Alvarado invites us to see this reflection as a opportunity to strengthen the relationship and restore the cracks or bits that we know have deteriorated during confinement.
Once both members of the couple are committed to this goal, healthy habits for the relationship should be practiced, focusing on the needs that strengthen the affective bond. «It is time to pay attention to the details again, take care of what we know we have neglected because we had our heads in the confinement situation, stop making excuses, encourage moments for complicity and stop assuming that your partner knows that you want them. You have to say it and show it, “he proposes.
The dynamics of each couple is different and there is no formula that works and is the same for all. For this reason, in order to discover what can help improve the relationship, the psychologist Lidia Alvarado proposes asking the following questions: «What was it that favored my relationship but that I have stopped doing?», «What did I like? couple and what a long time I have not given? ».
The key is to find out what the habits of the relationship are that have been lost and begin to recover them without waiting for the other to take the first step. “Do it yourself, move the card, love is the only game in which it is allowed to tie.”
Finally, it is important to note that, although each couple has its peculiarities, there is an ingredient that is absolutely essential in any relationship: passion.
The intensity of passion varies throughout the relationship. And that’s understandable, but as Alvarado insists it should never go away. “You always have to find time for complicity, play and passion,” he warns.
And how is it achieved? Deliberately seeking those moments and placing passion at the top of the relationship priority ranking: they cannot be left for later or when you have time. And when talking about passion, the expert clarifies that she is not only referring to sex in a strict sense but also to many other behaviors that encompass the field of intimacy: from a shower together or a relaxing bath to a mini nap or an express massage , even going through a message or a suggestive call … There are many ways to bring passion to the day to day, it is only a matter, as Alvarado proposes, of turning those moments into a priority.