Couple: learn to argue well!

Happy event as much as unsettling, the birth of a child is often a risky period for couples: 20 to 25% of them would separate a few months later, according to psychiatrist Bernard Geberowicz. ” We gagnsomething, but we perd also something else: his freedom, his carelessness… Everyone says to you: “You must be so happy!”, whereas, for some couples, it is a challenge period, where arguments take up a lot of space, ”summarizes psychotherapist Carolle Vidal-Graf. Hardly pleasant to live with, these arguments are nevertheless necessary: ​​in a transition period, they avoid the build-up of resentment and allow the establishment of useful adjustments. At one condition : argue constructively, avoid repeating hurtful words which often end up wearing down the relationship …

Express your emotions

Dispute does not necessarily mean shouting and slamming doors! Rather than blaming the other, try to express emotion who lives in you (anger, sadness…). “We must avoid the“ you ”who“ kill ”, explains the psychotherapist. Rather than “you’re messy”, use the “I” : “I’m not used to living in such a mess, when I come home from work, it depresses me…” ”Sometimes there is a overflow of emotions, we can’t explain ourselves, we need to let off steam a little, to move… “We could very well go for a walk, as long as you warn:” I’m too nervous to talk, I’m going out to calm down and we’ll talk about it later “…”, suggests Carolle Vidal- Graf.

Take a little distance

An argument often starts with an unfortunate word that ignite the powder and causes escalation: in the other, the reptilian brain (linked to instinct) feels attacked and the limbic brain (linked to emotion) responds… “We can also try to calm down, to take a little distance compared to the emotional by speaking with his cortex, the most rational part of the brain, suggests the psychotherapist. Look at the other too with take a step back and find him handsome in his anger: in a certain way, he shows us his power… ”.

Discuss your arguments coldly

“How did you deal with conflicts in your family? “,” What was your role? “,” How could we try to argue better? »Ask each other about these questions can help to see more clearly, to understand how we reproduce an operation which dates from childhood… and how we could make it evolve. It is also useful to come back – coldly – to the subjects of the disputes. “Little by little, what we said to each other made its way, even if we have the impression that, at the time, the other was not listening to us… Sometimes you have to know close a dispute that escalates, to come back to it later, coldly, after each thinking on his own. It’s up to each couple to find compromise, creative solutions, but you don’t always get it right the first time, ”says Carolle Vidal-Graf.

Do you also talk about what is going well!

Make compliments, say thank you, take time to also discuss what is going well… “It is important to also introduce gratitude and valorization in the bond with his partner… rather than just talking about what is wrong, ”says the psychotherapist. If you notice your spouse’s efforts on what was one of your points of contention, he will want to do it all the more… Going through these arguments can, in the end, help you feel better. more confident in your relationship. When a new area of ​​turbulence arises, you will remember this delicate passage, and you will be able to say to yourself, that this time again, you will succeed!