Counterdependent men: how to deal with them

I couldn’t believe he paid attention to me. You see, in my life I have never seen all women look at a man like that. In the office, in the bar, everywhere he goes. He is such an aristocrat, or something: a perfect smile, tall, athletic, and also detached and polite. As if from another planet of English lords.

– You intrigued me.

We finished working with this client almost a year ago. Since she came again, probably, everything will not be so simple further.

– I even felt that he liked me, but on the other hand … He is so handsome, if he wanted to, he would immediately come up and would not be shy. But it was still nice that he came to me with questions, invited me to dinner. It so happened that we went to a bar.

Did he invite you?

– Not really. He seemed to be hinting that he would one day tell me about his interesting life over a glass of beer. I thought: now women do not have to wait for an invitation, you can take the initiative yourself. Especially since we became friends.

Wait, I don’t understand. I thought you liked him as a man. You thought that if the feelings are mutual, then he will not hesitate to come up and start courting. Then you changed your mind and decided to become friends?

No, I haven’t changed my mind. I just decided to let him get to know me better in an informal setting, to reveal himself somehow. I, again, will have a reason to wear a beautiful dress. And there, maybe everything will work out by itself. And everything was great. He opened up, talked about the difficulties with his ex-wife, about how he wants for a long time, but cannot fall in love. The evening went off beautifully, although in a purely friendly way.

Has anything changed in your relationship since that evening?

Yes, that’s why I came. It looked like it was replaced the next day. He walked past in the corridor with a distant look and barely audible hello. I don’t understand what I did wrong? What should I do to fix everything?

Counterdependence

Many people know about love dependent or codependent partners. And they began to talk about the reverse side of the medal not so long ago. Who are counter addicts? They are like lychee fruits. Everything is hard and prickly on top, but soft and sweet inside. That’s the “sweet” and others are bought. Remember, the client told how her elegant lord revealed his vulnerability? It seems that if you warm it with love, then tenderness, sweet as the pulp of a lychee, will reveal its unusual taste. But this is the main focus. There really is a vulnerability, a desire for love, warmth and tenderness, but many have already broken their teeth about this exotic fruit before you for several reasons.

1. Avoidant attachment

This tendency in childhood is expressed in the fact that the child rarely seeks contact with the mother, even avoids her. This manner is a way to protect yourself from the pain of rejection. When this style of attachment was developing, the mother was either busy all the time, or could not show feelings, therefore she did not say kind words, did not hug, did not play. Then the child decided that there was nothing to wait here. So his heart closed.

2. Lack of boundaries with a parent in childhood

The opposite situation is the intervening mother. In this case, the child, it would seem, in childhood there was a sea of ​​love. But mother was present everywhere. Often she either did not work, or she had no hobbies, or there were serious disagreements between her and the father of the child. The woman spent all her free time with the child. She was constantly in touch, attended all the circles with him, knew everything to the smallest detail about the life of the child and physically absorbed him. Growing up, such a child became most afraid of the repetition of suffocating love.

3. Psychotypic defenses

They are formed on the basis of childhood traumatic factors: narcissistic, schizoid and all sorts of splits.

What attracts counter addicts?

1. Outwardly, they look independent, absolutely self-sufficient and proud.
2. For the most part, they are very successful at work. The fact is that work becomes for them a refuge from a partner. These are exactly the people who always manage to choose a job that requires the presence of 24×7. Accordingly, where the energy goes, there is the result, so they usually have money and status.
3. They beckon, but are not given. Hints, glances, chance meetings, and… But that very “and” without your initiative, most likely, will not happen. The fact is that for all their external attractiveness and self-confidence, they are very afraid of rejection. Such features create the Zeigarnik effect (interrupted action). And the interrupted action is remembered, sits like a splinter and waits for completion.
4. Fragility and vulnerability, manifesting suddenly. As Blok wrote: “There is a treasure in my soul, and the key is entrusted only to me.” At such moments, one feels that all emotional inaccessibility, coldness, distrust are a consequence of a traumatic past, protecting inner fragility from betrayal. Many women really want to sometimes be the heroine of “Beauty and the Beast” and disenchant their prince.

I must say that fragility is not ostentatious, it really arises due to the reasons listed above. Any person wants love and intimacy, no matter what he says even to himself. Everyone perceives love in their own way. Comfortable distance and speed of rapprochement is different for everyone. It would be a big mistake to think that such a partner should be rushed and warmed with love.

Mistakes in relationships with such partners

So, people who have intimacy issues are people too. Relationships with them are possible. But there are a number of errors that prevent this:

1. Too fast convergence. “He is so beautiful, promising – you have to grab it before others take it away.” This is the slogan of determined women who are used to fighting for their happiness.
2. An indomitable desire to save. “He was not understood by his wife, mother, sister, but I’m special, I can warm you with love.”
3. An attempt to catch and explain. Very often (almost always) the counter-addict suddenly disappears, increases the distance after emotional intimacy. An unprepared person is often hurt by this, so he tries to figure out the relationship.
4. Reproaches and scandals. Usually, showdowns do not lead to anything, so reproaches begin, an appeal to feelings of guilt and shame. At this stage, the woman begins to track when the man was last on social networks and instant messengers, but for some reason did not find time to answer.
5. Entry into a triangular relationship. It’s about Karpman’s triangle. The bottom line is that there are relationships in which we alternately play three roles: rescuer, persecutor, and victim. After reproaches, a woman in love usually turns into either a persecutor or a victim. She either begins to threaten to break up relations, scandalize, blackmail, or shows complete humility and waits for a call.
6. Fear of loss, anxiety. This is the “fly in the web” stage. It can last for months and years. There are no changes in the relationship, but there is a fear of losing a partner and hope for change. The beginning of a dependent relationship.
7. Appeal to fortune tellers, looking for answers in the horoscope, obsession with a man, trying to forget with the help of alcohol, drunk messages, endless attempts to become better. The final.

What happens to your partner during this time?

The counter-addict usually has different feelings and desires:

• shame – why did I open up like that, everything needs to be rolled back;
• desire to distance and think it over in solitude;
• wine – why I’m not like everyone else, and I can’t fall in love;
• sensation of penetration into personal boundaries and the desire to slam them.

When you do not give the opportunity to minimally distance yourself, the counter-addicted partner first experiences a feeling of pressure (as in childhood from a controlling mother), then there is a devaluation of you and your feelings. This is if you have already reached the stage of reproaches and scandals and fell into the role of a pursuer. If you are in the position of a victim or a rescuer, then it begins to seem to a man that he hates and despises an overprotective or “sticky” partner.

Despite this, it often happens that such a partner still creates a relationship with a woman. Usually this is a relationship with a dependent partner who makes the mistakes listed above in a circle, but stubbornly does not back down and turns into a caring and reliable friend.

At the same time, both are unhappy in a couple. She lacks love, attention, communication and sex. He complains to everyone how bad he feels, periodically flirts and / or cheats, but does not leave his partner. After cheating, he feels guilty, tries to break the connection, but then everything starts anew.

Why? Because a man thinks in Bateson’s schizophrenic double binds. Such double binds are characterized by attempts to move simultaneously in two opposite directions. Many authors consider this way of communication, thinking and life to be the cause of schizophrenia, because a person is at an impasse and the only way out for him is madness.

What does it look like in a relationship? On a conscious level, a man wants to get out of the relationship. On the unconscious, he has one child after another, buys joint property, offers his wife to quit, making her dependent on herself, strengthening the marriage and guilt. He dreams of being freed from the union in which he lacks space. He gets mistresses, whom he immediately warns that everything is not serious. From these escapades, the feeling of guilt towards his wife grows … Vicious circle.

As you can see, in the above story, a person also runs along the Karpman triangle. He is either a victim of marriage, where he is cramped, or a rescuer who provides for his wife and does not leave her, or a pursuer who denies her intimacy.

What to do?

1. Honesty instead of manipulation. Talk about what you like and don’t like, what you want. No need to disguise yourself as a friend to go to bars and listen to drunken revelations if you want a love relationship.
2. Karpman triangle. Realize if you have already entered a role, and urgently leave it. Without a psychologist, it is difficult to understand your scenario, but you can try by analyzing previous relationships.
3. Working with borders. Realize personal boundaries and separate from your partner so as not to depend on his condition. For this kind of partner, your addiction is unbearable. A few signs of boundaries that require work with a psychologist: you find it difficult to say no, or you are often told that you are pushing and invading. You are often approached with advice and assessments, or you yourself begin to give recommendations without asking.
4. If you have already reached the stage of addiction or the final, contact a specialist. It is almost impossible to get out of this situation on your own.

As I said, relationships are possible with any person, if he wants it at least a little. If you, like my client, have already taken a joint trip to the bar, it means that you are interested in something. Now it remains not to do or gradually begin to correct the mistakes made so that the relationship becomes joyful and supportive, and does not lead to a triangular dead end.