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“I have no room for error.” “I can’t handle failure.” Give the best result possible – with this attitude, many children (often at the suggestion of teachers and parents) approach the main exam of their school life. Psychologists urge parents to lower the bar and give their children help, not pressure. How to do it?
Oksana, 18 years old:
“In April, we wrote a mock test, and when I saw that I had made two mistakes, I had a nervous breakdown. I burst into tears, began to scream that I wouldn’t pass chemistry, that I didn’t know anything and I wouldn’t go anywhere! Since childhood, I dreamed of becoming a doctor, I was preparing for medical school and understood that I had to pass the exam with the highest scores. I studied at courses, with tutors … But I was terribly nervous, and I even developed gastritis against the background of stress, I had to go to the hospital.
In general, by the summer I was, it seems, less ready than at the beginning of the year. When I went to the exam in chemistry, I was just shaking. Everything was jumbled up in my head. Well, as a result, I made several stupid mistakes and passed worse than expected. I think it’s because I got nervous. I was only able to get paid. In the summer I’ll try to transfer to the budget. Unless, of course, I can cope with the excitement and pass the summer session perfectly.
We asked our experts, clinical psychologist Elena Morozova and child psychologist Galia Nigmetzhanova, to comment on this situation and suggest how to get out of the examination “clinch”.
Survive a nervous breakdown
“Before the exams, especially many children from the graduating classes come to see me, who are worried that they will not be able to pass the exam,” says clinical psychologist Elena Morozova. – Not only do they not believe in themselves, but often their parents and teachers do not believe in them. And they begin to customize, urging you to do even more. Not every child is able to withstand this stress. Many people have breakdowns. Last year I had to work with an 11th grade student, Nastya. She has always been a diligent and prosperous girl, but before the exams she suddenly stopped coping with school workloads.
She could not study, did not want to do anything, stopped communicating with friends, her academic performance dropped sharply. But teachers and parents, instead of figuring out what was happening, began to escalate the situation: get together, otherwise you won’t go anywhere, you don’t think about your future …
A child who is in a state of depression needs rest instead of studying
Nastya was looking for some way out, and the best thing she could come up with for herself was to end her life. She cut herself with a razor, and only by a lucky chance everything worked out, they managed to stop her. That’s when her parents brought her to a psychologist. It turned out that Nastya was in a severe depression and instead of classes she needed rest, recovery.
Psychological assistance was provided on time: the adults stopped escalating the situation, Nastya exhaled, was able to gather her strength and believe in herself. As a result, she successfully graduated from high school and entered the institute.
Don’t escalate the situation
You will not envy graduates: on the one hand, they face global questions, what to do in life, where to go, how not to make a mistake with the choice. And for this you need to listen to yourself, seek, reflect. But there is no time for this, because, on the other hand, you need to pass the exams well at all costs and give the best possible result. In this situation, it is not easy to keep cool and not succumb to general panic.
Help your child create a lesson plan
Parents especially do not hide the fact that at the moment they are primarily concerned about high scores. “Some adults set a very high bar for the child and at the same time do not really help,” says child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “All their help lies in strict control and criticism. Feeling great anxiety, they begin to manipulate the child: “I’m so worried about you” or: “We spent so much money on tutors, you have no right to pass the exam badly,” causing him to feel guilty and undermine his already shaky self-confidence. forces.”
Forcing the situation aggravates the situation. Is the result you are seeking really worth your child’s health? Weigh all the risks. Work for the child, not against him. Here are some recommendations for parents from Elena Morozova and Galiya Nigmetzhanova.
What to do before exams?
1. Help effectively
Offer your help, but do not impose it. And don’t take notes. Help should be real, effective – sort it out, check it out. If you notice that the child cannot calculate strength – he studies all day long or does not study at all, help to make a plan, tell me the optimal mode and different options for working – listening or taking notes, fractional rhythm or deep immersion in some topic …
Suggest an effective memorization technique. If the child is already squeezed like a lemon by spring, help him pause: take him out into the countryside, give him the opportunity not to go to school and have a good rest.
A child who is used to being constantly stimulated and controlled by adults should not be left alone during this period.
If you feel that you cannot help in any way, it is better to step aside and do not interfere. This is especially true for those children who have always studied independently and can regulate their own workload. But a child who is used to being constantly stimulated and controlled by adults cannot be left alone during this period. The main thing is to stay interested. Parental devaluation (“you can’t do it”) only makes matters worse. Trust that your child will get through the trials. Talk to him about it.
2. Imagine the worst
Feeling very anxious, ask yourself: “What is the worst thing that will happen if a child does not pass the exam?” Ask the same question to the child if you see how much he is worried: “What happens if you write not for 100, but for 96 points?”
And then, together, analyze this frightening situation. Very often, in difficult moments of life, it seems to us that only two solutions are possible, two ways out – one good and the other bad. We always have multiple choices. Go to college and better prepare for next year’s exams. To enter a less prestigious (desired) university and try to transfer … Go to work in the chosen direction and act consciously, having work experience …
Tell your child that they have an important, but not the only, decision to make. And he can make mistakes
Look for possible solutions and live with them. This will help to expand the boundaries of the horizon, to get away from the binarity of choice. Ask your child where he sees himself at 28. What can happen to him over the years? Talk about the fact that his path will not be immediately determined, and he is not obliged to choose a profession right now for the rest of his life, that he will have an important decision, but not the only one. He may make mistakes. And he will always have a chance to fix them.
3. Consider the child as an individual
Some parents look at their children too unrealistically. They see what they want, not noticing the objective picture. “We plan to enter Moscow State University, this is at least,” say the parents of the boy, who has two fours in his diary, one three and 11 twos – in all subjects.
Talk to the child: how does he feel about this idea, will he be comfortable studying among guys who do much better than him, will he be able to do this load, is he interested in this direction enough to overcome all barriers?
Whose problem is passing exams anyway? Is the child a tool that should support your status, or is he dear and interesting to you in and of itself, as a person? Let him know that he has qualities that are valuable to you and that will always be with him, regardless of his real achievements.
Techniques that will help you calm down your anxiety and concentrate on the day of the exam. Tell your children about them
- Breathe. Take 10 deep breaths, with an exhalation that is deeper than the inhalation, so that the next breath is even deeper. Take a short pause after a long exhalation. You can breathe with sound. This helps you focus better on your breathing.
- Stretch your hands – right left, left right. Firstly, there are many biologically active points, their massage helps to restore hormonal balance. And besides, when we worry, our small venous vessels constrict. The release of adrenaline increases the load on the heart, it tries to disperse the blood and begins to pound terribly. When we knead the hands, the expansion of small venous endings occurs, the blood flow is restored.
- Massage the outside of the ears with both hands, from the bottom up, starting with the earlobes, then grasp the upper tips of the ears and pull them up.
About the experts:
Elena Morozova – an employee of the Department of Child Psychiatry and Psychotherapy of the Russian Medical Academy of Postgraduate Education, a child clinical psychologist, director of the public organization “Neslisnye deti”.
Galiya Nigmetzhanova – child, developmental, family psychologist, leading consultant of the Psychological Family Support Center “Contact”, host of trainings and seminars for adolescents and adults.