Conversation with a psycho-oncologist. Everyone is devastated to hear the diagnosis – cancer

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– The sick say: “I will die soon”. Then the relatives deny it, ask: “do not say that”. This is the worst thing that can be said in such a situation – says Adrianna Sobol, psycho-oncologist from the OnkoCafe-Razem Better Foundation. In an interview with Edyta Brzozowska, she suggests how to help yourself, a loved one, a friend or a friend in their struggle with cancer.

1. There are patients who try to pretend to themselves that “cancer does not move me, everything is fine”. But that’s not true, everyone is devastated when faced with a diagnosis of cancer
2. The sick say: “I will die soon”. Then the relatives deny it, ask: “do not say that”. This is the worst thing that can be said in such a situation
3. Women with breast cancer visit their doctor too late. Even foreign doctors come to Poland to see a patient with an advanced stage cancer with their own eyes
4. The disease becomes less terrible when we do not make a dark mystery out of it, we tame it. And the more we talk about it openly, show how we function with it, it will be easier for us
5. More information can be found on the Onet homepage.

Edyta Brzozowska: What happens to the man who hears from the doctor: “do you have cancer”?

Adrianna Sobol, psycho-oncologist, OnkoCafe-Razem Better Foundation: When we find out we have cancer our world turns upside down. There is a crisis. It is time for tears, anger, despair, rebellion. There are patients who try to pretend to themselves that “cancer does not move me, everything is fine”. But that’s not true, everyone is devastated when faced with a diagnosis of cancer. So getting out of your emotions is very important. However, at a later stage, the great trick is to live normally. We must not allow disease to take over our world.

This is not easy.

Therefore, in such a situation, you have to set small but very specific goals: go to the store, cook dinner. Such task-oriented approach greatly helps in the course of coping with the disease. Struggling with cancer is a new chapter in life, but it also gives you the opportunity to get to know yourself in a new situation. And if the sick person has such an opportunity, I encourage him to keep working and live as before. Some “keep the shape”, pretend that nothing is happening: “I am doing well, I do not cry, I work, I live”. But they are suddenly more nervous, they hoot at the householders, take it out on them. Why is this happening? Because they can’t yell at their illness, so they get pissed at what’s nearby. They do this because they want to intuitively clean themselves of whatever is biting them inside. It is good for patients and their families to know that psychological support, available at oncology wards, is important in difficult times. Everyone has the right to be weak when they are sick. But don’t be ashamed of it.

Talk about your illness at work, at school, with your friends?

It should be spoken loud and clear about it. For many reasons. Also because when we admit our disease to ourselves and to other people, the topic of cancer is no longer taboo. The disease becomes less terrible when we do not make a dark mystery out of it, we tame it. And the more we talk about it openly, show how we function with it, it will be easier for us. The more that today’s medicine and treatments allow it.

Perhaps, thanks to such an open attitude, some of the patient’s surroundings will be tested?

Of course, the patient educates himself about his disease and treatment, shows the importance of prevention and developing health vigilance. Information is flowing to the world: cancer is cured. After all, the disease can affect any of us, at any age. Young people especially think that they are not affected by the disease. And it concerns – very often.

The reverse of neglecting preventive examinations is carcinophobia. The morbid fear of cancer can also be bad for a person?

Persistent thinking that I might get sick can act like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we keep focusing on our head with the constant design of a potential disease, we are struggling with constant fear and fear, which of course has a negative impact on the functioning of our body and our social relations. This condition requires consultation with a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Are there any characteristics that qualify some people as “cancer personalities”?

Psychology talks about the types of personality that predispose you to get sick. But in my opinion, this theory should be treated very carefully. It is true that there are studies on this, but today it cannot be said with certainty that some features increase the risk of cancer. Qualifying patients as “cancer personalities” places a heavy burden on the patients themselves. Yet they blame themselves enough and completely unnecessarily for being sick. Additionally, they cannot reflect on the fact that their personality, lifestyle and character have brought them closer to the disease.

A cheerful disposition helps?

The disease is just a twist of fate. Of course, the more positive we are towards the world, the better it works for us, our body and our lives. The most common causes of cancer are genetic and environmental factors. But more and more often, disease is to blame for stress, which affects our immune system. It aims to protect the body against many diseases by identifying, for example, cancer cells.

There are many people who have an escape attitude. They say: «I will not get tested, because I will find out that I have cancer. Why do I need it? I prefer not to know ».

Such an attitude is inappropriate, but unfortunately common in Poland. It is a kind of enchanting reality, because by not examining ourselves in advance, we harm ourselves. For example, it is not uncommon for women with breast cancer to report to their doctor too late. Even foreign doctors come to Poland to see a patient with an advanced stage cancer with their own eyes. We must be aware that prophylaxis and screening tests are there to prove to ourselves that everything is okay. And if it is not, we give ourselves a chance to catch the disease at the earliest possible stage. The faster the diagnosis, the greater the chances of a cure.

You are a psycho-oncologist, you often have contact with relatives of patients. They ask how to talk to my mother or father who has cancer?

Many people ask for some formula that could calm the sick person. Of course, there are no ready-made templates. Family members go to great lengths to cheer up their loved one, but often do not know how to do so. They are lost. They do not realize that the most important thing for the sick person is simply our presence.

Is it important to be sick with?

Sometimes he wipe the tears from his cheeks, hold his hand, hug him. Then you don’t need big words at all. You have to find the courage to face difficult moments, conversations and emotions. And this courage is the hardest thing to do. Often the sick say “I will die soon”. Then the relatives deny it, ask: “do not say that”. This is the worst thing that can be said in such a situation. If a sick person needs such a conversation, they must be given space to do so. So that he could let out all accompanying emotions, express anxiety. And that doesn’t have to mean giving up the fight against cancer, giving up. On the contrary. It is often the case that when we talk about our fears, it is easier for us. Cancer is not that bad anymore. There is even greater motivation to act and deal with this difficult situation.

This cancer is also afraid of relatives.

And they are often just as vulnerable as the sick person. Because she is in action, in action. He takes the trouble of treating and dealing with the disease. And relatives are absolutely helpless, they don’t know what to say, how to behave. And for their support to be effective, they must be able to communicate with the sick person. A lot also depends on him, because it is the sick person who can set the direction for his relatives: honestly say what he needs and what he does not want. It is best for him to speak straightforwardly, not wait for someone to figure it out. It is important to communicate your needs clearly and clearly, because only then will they be well understood.

You must not show your relatives your despair, anxiety?

The patient should not be worried about the fact that his relatives are concerned about his health. I often hear from patients that they fight for themselves, but also support their family members. They tell them: “I’m doing well”, “I’m fine”, “I don’t need anything”. It’s an error.

It happens that relatives know about cancer from a doctor, but keep it a secret from a loved one. Rightly?

Unfortunately, it still happens, especially when the adult children of elderly parents try to keep the diagnosis secret. In my opinion, this is a medical malpractice. It is the doctor’s job to inform the patient, not their family members, about the diagnosis. Fortunately, doctors in Poland are already trying to monitor this procedure. Because the basic rule is: the patient must know the truth. Another issue is the question of conveying this truth about cancer: truth can be divided into pieces, and information can be dosed. So that the sick person has time to accept the disease. Often the patients themselves set limits and inform the doctor how much they can hear about their disease at any given moment.

Someone from my circle of friends told me that he used to say to his seriously ill mother: “don’t worry. I’ll take care of everything, I’ll take care of everything when you’re gone ”. Does it reassure a sick person or is it too direct?

These are very difficult conversations. Although it is not popular in Poland, it helps patients mentally to draw up a will. Contrary to appearances, doing it has a very calming effect on a person facing death, because he then has a feeling of being in control of the situation. By writing a will, a person gains a sense of security the moment they leave this world.

The relatives often do not want to show the loved one that they also suffer from their disease, they do not want to worry the patient about themselves.

Then the reaction comes after the death of the relative, because they let go of the defense mechanisms. Emotions must find an outlet sooner or later. But such situations always require overwork, because there are no difficult moments in life that we can slip through. That is why psychological support is so important.

Also read:

1. They know they are dying. How to talk to cancer patients?
2. Tumors that kill fastest
3. A trivial ailment or a cancer? 10 symptoms you should worry about
4. Polish women die of breast cancer. Money from the government is not helping
5. The most common malignant neoplasms among Polish women and men