Wrapped in black leather, with a whip in their hands – these characters of our or someone else’s sexual fantasies outrage some, excite others, and almost everyone arouses curiosity. Two frank stories from the first person.
18+
Oleg is 45 years old, he is a web designer, divorced, lives in a rented apartment. Anastasia is 28 years old, she is a researcher, she is writing a Ph.D. thesis, she is not married. We met in Oleg’s apartment, where there is nothing “such” – no whips, no handcuffs. He treats me to tea and cookies, shows funny videos on the Web. A little later, Anastasia joins us, and the conversation begins.
At first, I have a hard time pronouncing the terms. My interlocutors willingly suggest: BDSM is an abbreviation. If you decipher, you get: Bondage, Dominance (or Discipline), Sadism (or Submission, which in English means “submission”) and Masochism. But those who do this usually do not use the abbreviation, but call it “Theme”.
Psychologies: What do you call yourself? Is it correct to use the word “sadist”?
Anastasia: Quite. Although they usually say “upper”. The concept of sadism is associated with cruelty, and “upper” is much broader. It is control and power. In principle, there can be no physical interactions at all.
What do you mean?
Anastasia: For example, the basis of a relationship may be moral submission. You can teach a person to obey orders and enjoy the fact that he obeys. I’ll give you an example.
Once I saw such a couple at a themed show in a closed club: spouses, both already elderly. The husband forced his wife to publicly use a dildo, and she cried and begged not to force her. There was no pain here, he didn’t even touch it. But there was power and humiliation.
So one of the two enjoyed the humiliation?
Oleg: Both partners enjoyed this experience. Being the center of attention is a powerful feeling in itself. Add to this shame and overcoming it, sexual pleasure … This is a vivid experience!
How did you discover the top in yourself?
Oleg: Accidentally. My girlfriend was cooking in the kitchen, and I started to pester her, let’s say so. She was busy and brushed it off, but I became more insistent, grabbed her and met …
…OK?
Oleg: No, much better – concentration, deep attention to your feelings. We started experimenting further. Then I discovered that other women also liked being treated with authority.
Anastasia: I came to the topic by accident and started as the bottom. I was 18 years old, I broke up with a guy and wanted to learn how to be a bitch. But I met a man who showed me that it only seems to me that I am not at all what I thought of myself.
How did you become top?
Anastasia: I was asked to. And it turned out that I can do it too. But not with everyone. I like young handsome men. It’s nice to know that everyone wants him, and he crawls at my feet and does what I order.
That is, the top gets pleasure solely from its power?
Anastasia: Pleasure is a very personal experience. Therefore, it is different for everyone. Someone enjoys the opportunity to order. Someone is more concerned about the acute experience of causing physical pain to another. In a sadomasochistic relationship, everything depends on the two partners. But the top one always controls the process. The limits of what is permissible are negotiated in advance, which is why the lower one can completely surrender to his experiences.
Oleg: The passive partner is relieved of anxiety and responsibility, he knows that the other will take care of everything. The pleasure of the top comes from the feeling of “I have everything under control.” Unlike a husband who beats his wife because of a bad mood and does not understand what he is doing, the top one controls both his feelings, and behavior, and the situation as a whole. He takes full responsibility for himself and for the bottom.
But it turns out, he is forced to give up an orgasm? After all, for this you need to surrender to your feelings …
Anastasia: If he wants, he can survive an orgasm. There is a very strong connection between partners. The top one is watching all the time. He knows from the movements, the frequency of breathing, the shadow on the face, the slightest expression, what is happening with the lower one. And of course, he enjoys himself when he sees that his bottom is good.
Oleg: For a short time, you can allow yourself to immerse yourself in your own experiences if you program the process, give the bottom instructions what to do next, describe the sequence of actions. For example, there may be an instruction: “Continue to maintain this position until my next order.”
Can the top one improvise?
Anastasia: Maybe, but it is better to do this when the partners already know and feel each other well. If the top one is wrong, it can be very frustrating for both. I was once invited by a friend to join her in a session with a young man who had said many times that he would like to submit to several women at the same time.
And so, when he was blindfolded, I joined them. We whipped him together, then my friend stepped aside, and I took off the bandage. He had such a face! .. I immediately called her, she calmed him down, and we continued. But then he stipulated in advance that they would be only the two of them.
That is, a friend took a man’s fantasy for a desire?
Anastasia: Yes, it was hard for everyone. It’s like a fake sound in a beautiful song. But perhaps, before that incident, he himself did not know that this was only a fantasy, and not a desire. The topic helps a lot to understand what our nature is, who we really are.
Can a sadist cause physical harm to a partner?
Oleg: In Theme it is absolutely excluded. There are three main principles – safety, voluntariness, reasonableness.
And cruelty?
Oleg: This is controlled violence. Not every person can bring himself to hurt another, even if he asks for it. The theme is a way of deep self-knowledge. And like any knowledge, there is a risk. But the principle of safety implies that all effects on the body and on the psyche must be reversible, that the lower one will be able to fully recover from them.
At the same time, individual characteristics are always taken into account, because much depends on the physical constitution of the participants: what one can withstand, another can break. The top must know the partner well, study him in order to understand what can and cannot be done.
What new experience did you get in the Theme?
Oleg: I have learned to accept my body. It always seemed to me an annoying hindrance to the work of the intellect. But in order to feel a partner, you need to be attentive to your reactions. So the body suddenly came in handy, and little by little we began to get along.
Was it easy to leave? How has this affected your sexuality?
Anastasia: Yes, rather easy. I learned what my nature is and what kind of man I need. Not the one to push around. I tried it, I know how, but it’s not mine. I want to be with a strong and confident man. And when I realized this, I left Theme and have not been practicing for a year. Now I intend to embody this understanding of myself in life.
Besides, I want to be happy. And in the subject of happy does not happen.
Why is that?
Oleg: The theme is theatre, after all: scenery, directing, plot, acting… The roles are attractive, desirable, beautiful, but conditional. None of us can fully fit into the role. Sooner or later, if the relationship continues, the person begins to fall out of it. And then the game crashes.