Others read internal attitudes no worse than verbal information. This is an opportunity to improve contacts. Relationship expert Eva Hogan explains how to learn to control nonverbal cues.
We know how words and actions affect relationships. When we say something hurtful or rude, people around us usually attack back or become defensive. However, we are not aware of the full power of energy with which our phrases and actions are charged. For example, you visit relatives and say: “I am so glad to see you!”, when in fact you feel annoyed. This is how you transmit negative energy to them and you may receive a negative reaction in return, despite the kind words.
Coming to a consultation, couples often say that they want to build a healthy relationship, a union in which love would reign. At the same time, the thoughts of partners about each other or about themselves are negative and condemning.
We often do not realize how sensitive we and the people around us are. Every day we read non-verbal messages literally at the level of vibrations. When a person thinks badly of us, speaking pleasant words aloud, we catch the dissonance. Verbal communication and information received at the level of sensations differ, this confuses us. To achieve the results we need, we must learn to manage non-verbal messages.
I teach a course in an entrepreneurship education program and illustrate this concept with a common business greeting, the handshake. We first discuss how not to shake hands. Everyone agrees that a too sluggish or, conversely, too strong handshake causes discomfort. A sluggish handshake makes you think: “She probably didn’t want to say hello to me.” Or condemning the other: «He’s so unsure of himself.»
All three exercises involve the same physical actions. Differences in relation to the participants and their inner beliefs
To demonstrate to participants the power of invisible signals, I first ask them to move around the room, greeting and shaking hands. At the same time, they need to keep in mind the installation that in fact no one wants to get to know them and that they have nothing to offer others. And when the participants say hello, the energy leaves the audience. The voices of the students subside, they hardly look at each other, no one smiles. When I ask how they felt, participants talk about disconnection, loneliness, awkwardness, discomfort. Unfortunately, many of us are familiar with these feelings.
Then I give the next task: to say hello with exaggerated enthusiasm. This time, the internal setting is to impress others. The room becomes noisy, students enthusiastically greet each other, shake hands too much, hug and pat each other on the back. I ask how everyone felt. The results are similar: participants report feeling insincere and lonely. Fear is added to the set of unpleasant feelings.
After that, I ask you to take a deep breath and trust that there are people in the audience who can give them something useful, and that they themselves can share something important with others. I encourage participants to stop judging themselves and others and to act naturally. The atmosphere is changing again, becoming warm and friendly. Participants look into each other’s eyes, smile, shake hands, they are happy to establish contact. When I ask them to describe their condition, they use the words «real», «sincere», «close».
All exercises involve the same physical actions: walk around the room, say hello, shake hands. The only difference is in regards to the participants and their inner beliefs. A change in attitude allows you to move from loneliness to intimacy.
Before you say or do anything, even just send an email, I advise you to clear your thoughts and tune in to a wave of acceptance. Learn to manage invisible messages — this will help you change relationships for the better.
Source: PsychoCentral.