The calm boss unexpectedly launches a stapler into the wall. An obedient daughter in a rage tears her favorite dress before our eyes. The wife, who just laughed out loud, begins to sob hysterically. Why did their «dam burst»? And how to learn to show emotions without destroying yourself and loved ones?
In psychology, there is the concept of «containment». This is the ability of a person not to get hurt, not to collapse from their own experiences.
“It develops from early childhood, becoming its own system of regulation through communication with parents who can support and console. For example, a small child experiences emotional arousal, and sometimes it is so strong that it is difficult for him to return to a calm state — the baby does not yet have enough of his own resource to manage him, — says psychodramatist Anastasia Bashlykova. — Ideally, a caring adult comes to his aid, who calms the child.
He hugs, rocking, giving the child the opportunity to feel support through the sensation of his body and through the measured sound of his voice. “Bayu-bayushki-bayu” is not so much a fairy tale as a soothing, harmonizing rhythm that helps to quench excessive excitement.”
Chill out
Later, when the child is already beginning to understand the meaning of the words addressed to him, the adult explains that these are emotions, they are different, and that it is normal to experience them. All people sometimes rejoice, and sometimes they get angry, sad, offended. It happens to everyone because sometimes things happen in life that you just can’t help but get angry about or that you can’t help but feel sad about. But this — we recall — in the ideal version.
Growing up in such favorable conditions, a child, growing up, learns to cope on his own
“He calms himself by slowing down his own rhythm, mentally pronouncing to himself the words that a loved one once said. A container is the ability to recognize well and live all your feelings at a natural pace, accepting yourself in any emotional state, not being afraid of your feelings, not blaming yourself for “wrong experiences,” says Bashlykova.
Rampant emotions are the result of their regular suppression for fear of being destroyed by them. If for some reason the child did not always receive support for his experiences from an adult, then he usually calmed down in one way — exhausted. Instead of the experience of normalizing his condition, he experienced the complete loss of strength as a result of the feelings experienced.
Hence the fear of being destroyed “to the ground”. In Russian culture and mentality for a long time it was not customary to express yourself. The ability to put their emotions into a “container” in time is poorly developed in several generations or not developed at all. “You can’t be angry with your mother”, “Girls don’t behave like that” and similar patterns have firmly ingrained in us and dictate their own rules of behavior to us.
As a result, a huge array of unprocessed emotions and feelings accumulates like steam in a pressure cooker, gaining pressure. And at some point, the lid can fly into the air. This is how affect manifests itself — an uncontrollable emotional explosion.
“If emotional experiences unsettle us, ruin plans, and it’s difficult to normalize on our own, or if the experiences feel too heavy, exhausting, de-energizing, this is a sure sign that not everything is in order with the “container,” explains Anastasia Bashlykova .
Create your own container
The good news is that the mind of an adult is much more stable than that of a small child.
“You can learn to recognize your own resources, their sources, and accumulate them in order to “grow” your own container. Do not forget that man by nature is a social being. It is very important to keep in touch with those people with whom communication fills you with energy, with those with whom you can create warm relationships, with those who are ready to be there in difficult times. Trusting relationships are also part of our container, ”comments the psychologist.
Fortunately, containerization can be learned at any age with enough time and attention, although it is not a quick process. Who teaches us and how?
“Parents, close friends, if they are lucky enough to have enough resources of their own to contain a friend a little. But as mother could, no one else can, unfortunately. The best way to keep your friends alive is to go into therapy and gradually learn to self-contain.
By developing the skill of accepting yourself emotionally, you can work in two directions.
Increase feelings of self-worth and dignity, allow yourself to experience those feelings that are born, learn to understand the reasons for your reactions. This is where psychotherapy helps, the expert believes.
“Often the psychotherapist acts as such a container or container partner, being able to accept a person who comes to him not only in his positive mood, but also in his irritation, anger, weakness. Accept, and not reject, as it used to be in childhood, to be there, no matter what state a person is in, ”says Anastasia Bashlykova.
And you can work with the body. “Emotion is the excitation of the nervous system. Good bodily practices aimed at normalizing the general state of the body and mind, for example, qigong. To begin with, it is worth learning to regulate yourself through breathing — this method can be used situationally, at the very moment when emotion “covers”. It is important to select practices individually. Sports also help well for relaxation, but oriental practices are better for normalization — they have a systemic effect on the body.