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Mindfulness is a word that everyone uses now: from psychologists to Instagram bloggers. But few people understand what is really behind it. We tell you how to come to a truly conscious relationship with a partner and what work needs to be done along the way. And the exercises in the article will help you.
A conscious partnership is when both partners see each other as adults, regardless of age, income level and distribution of roles in the family. In such relationships, lovers can freely express their opinions, talk about what is important to them and what worries them. And they can be sure that they will definitely be heard.
Conscious relationship work
At the initial stage of the relationship, each of the partners wants to show himself from the most advantageous side. But when the wave of love passes, routine and everyday life can erase the vivid impressions that once arose by themselves. At this point, it’s time to consciously work on the relationship.
Schedule a date
It doesn’t have to be going to a restaurant. You can explore unknown routes in your city, learn new hobbies together, go in for sports… The main thing is that you get fresh emotions and can share them with your partner.
Enter the ritual of daily meaningful conversation
For this, 15 minutes is enough. Put things aside, turn off your phones, and immerse yourself in conversation with your partner. Let him speak, share what delighted him, angered or upset him. So you will understand what is happening now with a loved one. If such conversations do not occur in a relationship, then we gradually lose points of contact, and our orbits no longer coincide.
Learn to put up
At the beginning of a relationship, it seems that my partner and I will never fight. But time passes, and we relax: we bring home fatigue and irritation, we begin to show ourselves from a completely different side. The ability to reconcile after a quarrel is the glue that holds a couple together. And this skill is important to learn.
- Think about what specifically made you angry.
- Express your desire to reconcile.
- Discuss constructively what to do and what not to do next. Without accusations, using I-messages: “It was offensive for me”, “I didn’t like it”, “I would like that at such a moment you …” If we do not tell the partner about our experiences, he will never know that became a point of contention.
- Learn to monitor your inner state and control the tone of your voice. Angry, annoyed intonations take us from the here and now moment to the traumatic memories of other quarrels that have nothing to do with this conversation. If you find yourself starting to lose your temper, pause the discussion to change scenery and breathe.
Remember that reconciliation should be conducted from the position of a holistic view of the other person and total respect for his personality.
Find a balance between your desires and those of your partner
Draw a scale with one end focusing on yourself and your interests, and the other end focusing on your partner. Where are you now on this scale?
Someone dissolves in a loved one, trying to anticipate any of his requests and desires. Others, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves: they live “on their own wave”, do not ask for help, do not tell what is happening to them, but experience difficulties within themselves.
It is important to be flexible: give freedom to yourself and your partner
On the one hand, to develop independently: comprehend your behavior, explore yourself, learn to understand your goals, desires. On the other hand, to feel a partner, not to lose touch with him. But at the same time, keep in mind that this person is not our property. He has his own goals, objectives, interests.
Practice will help to find this golden mean. Evaluate your own relationship, identify weaknesses and be sure to discuss them with your partner.
If the relationship is at an impasse
Relationships are not always possible to maintain even with a conscious approach. Sometimes difficulties are stronger than the desire of both partners to eliminate them. Here are the problems that most often arise in couples:
Solved problems – questions about which partners can agree with each other. Where to go on vacation, how to distribute the family budget, what methods should be followed in raising children. These topics require an open dialogue and the search for options that would suit both.
Unsolvable problems touches on deeper issues. As a rule, they are associated with the goals, values and worldview of a person, which means that each of the partners will defend their point of view. For example, if one wants children, and the other does not. Finding a compromise in this situation is almost impossible.
Another difficulty is cheating. In such a relationship, a crisis of trust arises, which requires a long period of study, as well as a search for the cause of betrayal: why did one of the partners decide to get attention somewhere on the side?
The prognosis of relationships in which violence took place is also not very favorable. This does not mean that such relationships can not be saved. But to make them truly conscious, the desire and motivation of each of the partners will be required.
First steps towards a conscious partnership
If you really value your relationship and want to do something for it right now, start with small exercises. Allocate 10 minutes for each of them and try not to be distracted by anyone.
Exercise 1.
Draw a circle and divide it into 8 parts. In each part, write what attracts you in a partner, what you admire, what strengths of his are most important to you.
Exercise 2.
Remember your first impression of your partner. You didn’t know that you would be together. What attracted you then? His appearance, timbre of voice, inner qualities, view of the world, values? Write down at least 10 points.
Exercise 3.
Ask your partner out on a date. You can organize it at home. Turn off your phones and immerse yourself in a conversation with a partner. Look at him, listen, forget about your opinion for a while and try to study his gaze more deeply. What gnaws at him, what pleases him, what excites him most of all.
We enter into a relationship not in order to receive some benefits, but in order to enjoy communication with a like-minded person. In order for the pleasure of this communication to last as long as possible, it is important to feel both your needs and the needs of your partner.
Sometimes it’s worth lowering the requirements and giving the other space, sometimes it’s better to articulate our wants and needs more clearly or find new points of contact. Practice helps you feel what your relationship needs right now. And a constant mindfulness approach.
About expert
Anna Lebedeva – Director of the representative office of Erickson Coaching University International in Russia and the CIS, lecturer at the National Research University Higher School of Economics.