On holidays, we sometimes remember our former partners. And the hand reaches for the telephone receiver. Should I call or not?
It was a year ago — late in the evening of December 31, Elena and Stas were sitting at the festive table, which Elena carefully covered in his apartment. “And suddenly I thought: “And with whom does Vadim celebrate the holiday?” Elena recalls. He ended our relationship at the beginning of the summer. I was offended, almost hated him. Since then, I have never had the desire to know about him. But for some reason, right at that moment, I involuntarily reached for the phone.
“A close relationship with another person is significant for most men and women,” admits family psychologist Inna Shifanova. “And when, according to tradition, we look back into the past and make plans, then, of course, we remember those who walked through life with us for some time. But if memories are our inner reality, then calling or, for example, coming up and talking when you meet at a party is already an action in which we involve others. At least his ex, and as a maximum — and the current partner.
Thinking about whether or not to call your ex means just that: the relationship is not yet complete
To avoid unforeseen consequences, it is useful not to immediately succumb to the first impulse, but first to understand or at least assume what we expect from the other, what we want to receive as a result of our actions. The explanation “we are now friends, and friends always congratulate each other” is not good. Ex-lovers are a very different type of relationship than partners who have never had a sexual relationship. So…
Trying to remain friends is self-deception. Our feelings for a partner do not disappear at the moment when we made the decision to leave (especially if he was accepted for us). “Time passes before past relationships stop hurting and completely become the past, that is, a memory,” says clinical psychologist Maxim Tsvetkov. “When this happens, I will look at the self that is in the past, as if from the side.”
Our experts agree that only after that it makes sense to enter into a relationship with another person. Otherwise, we will have to do double work: at the same time, complete past relationships and build new ones. This is a big burden, but in practice such cases are not uncommon. Thoughts about whether or not to call your ex, especially if they are persistently repeated, mean exactly this: the relationship is not yet fully completed.
But even if we parted by mutual agreement and we have no unspoken reproaches and unfinished conflicts in the past, all the same, “those who were lovers cannot become“ just ”friends,” Inna Shifanova emphasizes. “And it’s useless to pretend that we don’t know something that we really know. Even if the mind tells us that everything is gone, the memory of the body remains. Therefore, we are worried when we hear a familiar voice, catch the familiar smell of another, see his gestures and smile.
If we already have another partner, it makes sense to ask ourselves if we want to jeopardize this connection. And if no new relationship has arisen, the higher the likelihood that behind the desire to remind the “former” about yourself, our true…
Desire to rekindle a relationship. We break up with our partners for various reasons. Lack of common goals, deep conflict, or maybe just a flash of anger. And some time after the breakup, when mutual resentment subsides, the couple can make an attempt to recover. Especially if new strong relationships have not arisen. “The second attempt is not uncommon,” says Maxim Tsvetkov. “It’s not certain that it will be more successful, but it happens often.” Thinking about the “former”, most often we remember not the reasons why we broke up, but the time when everything was fine with us. Why is that?
“Love is a myth about another person, created by our imagination,” Inna Shifanova reflects. We create it, we change it. Each of us is the author, actor and viewer of our love story. And, as in a play, the lantern snatches one or the other, depending on our priorities and mood.” The prerequisites that prompted us to pair up with a high probability have not gone away. And the dissimilarity of characters or conflict … It may seem to us that we and (or) our partner have gained new experience and the ability not to repeat old mistakes in the time that has passed since the separation. The question is how much our «former» shares our aspirations.
This can really only be learned through experience. It is not necessary to ask a direct question. But not so rarely, when pronouncing a formal congratulation, we listen not so much to the answer as to the intonation: it is important for us how the interlocutor will react, whether it will be dry and short or whether he wants to talk in detail. From this, we hope to draw a conclusion about how ready he is for rapprochement. Sometimes we would be pleased if he wanted to return the relationship, even if we ourselves do not strive for this at all. Thus, we hope…
Raise your self-esteem. Usually, women, to a greater extent than men, tend to doubt their own attractiveness, Inna Shifanova notes. Therefore, we often want to make sure that we were not a passing episode, to confirm our value and uniqueness, to see that we left a significant mark in the life of our partner. Perhaps behind this lies an increased dependence on the opinions of others. In this case, it may be better not to call the “former”, but to find in yourself, in your life, “something for which we ourselves can respect ourselves,” advises Maxim Tsvetkov.
Painful experiences after a breakup, if they were not lived to the end, can push us to a vengeful desire to make sure that the former partner is still alone, that he was unlucky and the New Year will not be joyful for him. For us, this is bad only because the malice directed at another is nevertheless contained in our own soul. And it can corrode it, poisoning not him at all, but our inner life. It is believed that we have no control over our feelings, but this is not fully true.
The main lesson of parting is the opportunity to find your true image.
“A person is not free over the feelings that he experiences, but from the moment he becomes aware of them, it depends on him whether to develop them, grow them, or, conversely, let them go,” emphasizes Maxim Tsvetkov. — By their nature, our feelings are a reaction to an external situation, and they pass, because any life situation changes over time. Of all our many feelings, only those that are a reaction to our own thoughts remain with us. Therefore, the best way out in this situation is forgiveness. It helps…
Put the last point. And then on a holiday, when friends or a loved one are near us, we look good and feel at our best, we can sincerely wish our former partner happiness. “The main lesson of parting is the opportunity to find your true image,” Inna Shifanova is convinced. — Perhaps it manifested itself when this relationship was just beginning and you were quite confident in yourself, and then collapsed under the weight of your partner’s arguments in favor of a break. Then you can just go back to it. But, perhaps, it will have to be created anew — this is not an easy, but beautiful and creative work, and a well-lived past can be a good start in it.
* «The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath!» Directed by Eldar Ryazanov, 1975.