Conflicts in a couple: 3 signs that we want the impossible from a partner

When we feel dissatisfied with a partner, we inevitably ask ourselves the question: “Maybe everything is not so bad, and I just want too much?” In the course of psychotherapy, we often explore this issue with clients. The answer helps to figure out where the conflicts come from and how to act: work on yourself or end the relationship. For 5 years of work, I have formulated three verification steps that help to orient and understand whether our expectations for a partner are adequate.

Step 1. Analyze the situations in which conflicts most often break out between you

Alina tells how she gets tired at work, and her husband does not seem to notice this. She comes home exhausted, and he starts asking how her day was, suggesting going to the movies or taking a walk, instead of pouring tea and leaving her alone for a while. Usually she answers sharply that she doesn’t want to go anywhere, she is offended that her husband is so inattentive. In response, the husband reacts sharply to the displeasure of his wife.

Did you recognize yourself? Do you want your partner to understand you without words, do you get upset and angry if this does not happen? The relationship seems to be fine, but there is work to be done – practice talking about your needs with your partner.

Sometimes we want our partner to guess our desires by reading our thoughts and feelings. “We understand each other without words” seems to be the definition of true love. This way of communication exists between mother and baby, which you really have to learn to understand without words.

Susan Johnson and Lesie Greenberg, creators of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, say that often in relationships we try to get the love and care that we did not receive in childhood from our parents. Then we begin to make demands on the partner, as on the parent. The partner cannot fulfill them, in response we feel irritation and disappointment. A more productive way in this case is to learn to be aware of your desires and needs, to directly communicate them to a loved one, given that not all of them can be immediately satisfied.

Step 2: Explore your expectations from your partner

Anton says that he lacks initiative from his wife. She rarely offers to change something, for example, to make repairs. She has few ideas how to spend a free evening. She has been working in the same company for 5 years and does not seek to change anything. In the course of communication, it turns out that it is difficult for Anton to take the initiative himself, he really wants someone to move him and help him.

Are you experiencing similar feelings? Do you want your partner to make you better, smarter, more active, do you tend to blame him for not doing this? Looks like it’s not the problem. You have a point of growth – to learn to be aware of your desires and take a course for development in your own hands. Often we want a loved one to fill the deficit that we feel in ourselves. It is not easy to take responsibility for moving forward, especially if you feel anxiety and self-doubt. But it is difficult to change another person from the outside, you can only support his own desire for development.

Step 3: Think About Your Ideas About Marriage

Marina recalls how long she had been preparing for her husband’s birthday. She invited all the relatives, laid a luxurious table. But Roma was not very happy, he wanted to be alone with her, and then sit with friends in a bar. It turned out that he had a completely different idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbholidays and recreation. Marina felt offended, for her husband’s reaction became an occasion to think about compatibility. In the process of work, it turned out that Marina and Roma do not know each other very well, they do not have the habit of discussing decisions. Often they rely on their idea of ​​a partner, without making an attempt to find out what he really is.

Familiar situation? Do you think that spouses should be united in everything, otherwise this is not true love? It seems that your ideas about the family are a little out of touch with reality. An important task before you is to learn to notice the differences with your partner and accept them. Analyze the shared values ​​that form the foundation of the relationship. The ways in which these values ​​are realized may well be different.

“They live in perfect harmony”, “husband and wife are a single whole” – these criteria for a happy marriage have been in our heads since childhood. The disadvantage is that they do not imply differences between spouses. But when we start living together, we inevitably encounter differences. Each of the partners has experience of living in a parental family, experience of independent living, etc. Of course, this experience can be very different for two people. Our first reaction to differences is disappointment and anxiety. There are three options for the development of events:

• we ignore differences;
• trying to change a partner;
• learning to negotiate.

The last option is the most productive. It is impossible to match in everything, and it is not required. Accepting differences and finding common solutions is not always easy, but without this, a marriage cannot be long-term. G. Bateson and J. Haley described the stages of the family life cycle. The task of the dyad stage – at the beginning of family life – is to explore differences and develop a common way of life.

So, you have passed all the steps of the self-test. If none of the points fit, it is possible that the difficulties in the relationship have deeper roots, and it is worth exploring them with the help of family therapy.

Did you recognize yourself in one of the situations, or maybe in all three? The good news is that your relationship is not at all hopeless, it looks like you are facing normal developments as a couple. When my future husband and I began to live together, I often suggested that he compromise. In my mind, compromise meant “do as I please.” He was surprised by this interpretation.

Ahead of you is work on understanding needs, training the skill to pronounce expectations and negotiate. This work will inevitably bear fruit – it will help you experience less disappointment and anger, get more pleasure from communicating with your loved one.