I want to hurt — we throw conflictogens.
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A word can hurt, a word can hit. Words, intonations and turns that touch the interlocutor and strain the atmosphere in communication are conflictogenic. However, more broadly: these are offensive gestures, and an insulting look, and a refusal to continue communication — all this can also turn out to be a conflict generator. Conflictogens can be not only elements of communication, but also actions, actions: carelessness (dropped a cup and splashed coffee on a neighbor), optionality (agreed — did not), violation of the rules of decency (We didn’t give up our place to our grandmother, didn’t say hello to neighbors, didn’t say goodbye to guests, did not thank a colleague for the service, did not call relatives …). Conflictogens are everywhere: it happens that at the level of communication a person behaves politely, and at the level of relations he behaves in conflict.
A conflictogen is easy to feel, but conflictogens are very difficult to define. What is conflictogenic and what is not? Is a bored face in response to stupidity just a sincere emotional reaction or an offensive conflict generator? Where is the boundary between a just demand and a conflict-producing one? It seems that conflictogens are not a dogma, but a social convention. What is conflicting between some people, between others is the norm or even joy.
Conflictogens are mini-provocations, but, unlike provocations, they are more often unintentional, unconscious.
If a girl interrupts her boyfriend several times in a conversation, this is rather a manifestation of bad manners and domestic conflict; if she clings to the friend of her beloved during the dance, this is no longer just a conflictogen, this is already a clear relational provocation.
If the husband is sitting at a party with a bored face, this is a minor conflict. If he shows with his whole face that he is feeling bad and sick here — this is more than a conflictogen, this is already a conflict message, this is a call to conflict.
Despite the fact that conflictogens are also behavioral, they most often talk about conflictogens in relation to communication situations. Then a conflictogen is a communicative element (word, turnover, gesture, intonation) that can cause tension and provoke a conflict in a relationship.
Figuratively — a communicative prick or blow.
Conflictogens are the source of a huge number of domestic conflicts. The biggest problem with conflict generators is that the author of conflict generators usually does not notice them. Or, even if he notices, he considers it quite acceptable, normal (“It’s okay!”) Or well-deserved: “It’s his own fault!”. However, when even petty conflict-prone people hurt us, it hurts us… We react in response, they answer us, and so on, the conflict flared up.
The most popular question in connection with conflictogens is how to respond to them? Yes, how to respond to conflictogens? There is no single answer to this question, but hints can be given. The main thing is to react internally calmly, then it will be easier to choose an adequate external form of reaction.
Unfortunately, another question sounds a little less often: how can I not offend others, how can I clear my own communication from conflictogens? Perhaps you are emotional and in dealing with someone you are offended by or who makes you angry, you allow conflictogens. It may very well be that you don’t even notice them or consider them completely fair, but this does not negate one circumstance: as long as you allow conflictogens in communication with this person, your relationship will remain bad and conflicts will continue. Naturally, there are situations when conflictogens are accepted and, moreover, necessary. In principle, live communication cannot be sterile, some dose of conflictogens between still alive and vigorous people are just indicators of trust between them, however, the main direction remains: you need to wean yourself from conflictogens.
Yes, it can be difficult, especially if a person has not received a good upbringing. It is difficult to get rid of subtle conflictogens, because people (authors) often do not notice them, and it is difficult to get rid of gu.e.h. in your communication of unnecessary conflicts, it is useful to know them “by sight”. Typical communicative conflictogens are gossip and insults, accusations and excuses, prohibitions and objections, categoricalness, interruptions … Learn their speech forms by heart and never use these turns again. Try it, you will like it!
How do you remind yourself of the importance of syntonic communication? One of the interesting techniques is “Double Solid Line”. See if this might work for you.
A separate and very difficult question is how to wean other people from conflictogens? There are moments in time when it is effective to point out conflictogens in our address to a person. He will most likely hear us and this will most likely have an effect. And there are moments in time when pointing out to him about his conflictogens will not give anything but tension and complications in relations. See details →
practical morality
A master of communication can use everything in his speech, including conflictogens — but in order to become such a master, be attentive to the needs of the people around you and learn to monitor the purity of your speech. This is beneficial and practical.
Once upon a time, thirty years ago, I studied with Arkady Petrovich Egides in his Club of the Culture of Communication «The Little Prince». His favorite topic was conflictogens, he talked a lot about these habitual turns of speech with which we hurt loved ones, often without even noticing it. Objections, categoricalness, a harsh and aggressive tone, negative assessments and an appeal to a topic that is unpleasant for the interlocutor … “No. You’re wrong. What are you? Nothing like this! I explain. What if you think? As usual, because of you. Oh my God! Well, why?!.. You see… How can I explain this to you…” – it was not easy to learn even a list of typical conflict generators, but I taught in order to forget these turns for the rest of my life. I realized that this was important for me, I began to work on it and in about a couple of months I achieved the result, cleared my speech of conflictogens. Time has passed. About ten years later, I became interested: “What did it give me for life?” and estimated the results of those studies in terms of money. I recalled the negotiations that turned out to be successful, I was glad for the relationship that I managed to maintain despite the difficulties … Indeed, there is always a simple question: “How much money was I willing to pay to achieve a result in this conversation? To save the relationships that matter to me? I named the sums for myself and added them up. The numbers turned out to be staggering: I have earned several tens of thousands of dollars over the past time on this skill alone. What would my all investments give the same percentage of profit!!!