Conflict without violence: how to learn to control aggression?

Who takes the children to school this week, who made mistakes in the report and how to correct them now, what to say to the mother-in-law about raising a grandson? upbringing, money or sexuality, and whoever we associate with: friends, neighbors, colleagues or officials. But the problem is not in the conflict, in which we could just find a solution, but in violence. How to avoid it, says conflictologist Igor Ratnikov.

“The conflict is resolved not with the help of any technique, but by softening the emotions that fuel it,” emphasizes Igor Ratnikov. “By analyzing the set of causes that gave rise to the conflict, you can determine your own negative psychological attitudes and then change them.” In social therapy, violence and conflict are different. Violence is destructive, it begins with the fact that we perceive the interlocutor as a threat, because his behavior bothers us or is incomprehensible to us. Then we react at the level of reflexes — threaten, avoid, blackmail, refuse to speak.

“Conflict, on the contrary, is constructive and often necessary,” the conflictologist continues. “At the same time, we enter into confrontation, but we do not lose respect for each other. And we are trying to find solutions that take into account the interests of everyone.” Igor Ratnikov offers a set of tools that will help you learn how to enter into conflict, avoid violence, in order to come to cooperation.

First of all, to neutralize violence means to understand it. Here are the most common forms of violence directed against others or against oneself.

Physical violence — the most obvious, but it is not limited to blows. This happens when we use the other as an object, exploit, intimidate, oppress, deprive of care. Less obviously, it is expressed in the form of a possessive attitude towards another, intrusion into his territory. Physical abuse towards oneself is manifested in addictions, in a lack of concern for one’s appearance and health.

Neglect is that we leave the other, reject, ignore, keep at a distance. Or we refuse to listen. Neglecting yourself means ignoring your needs, emotions, beliefs.

Humiliation expressed in contempt, depreciation. We consider the other as second-class, without value. In everyday life, sarcasm, ridicule, mocking nicknames, of course, are a form of humiliation. Just like devaluing yourself.

Instilled feelings of guilt lies in reproaches, accusations, in the fact that we consider the other (or ourselves) the only culprit of all the bad things that happen. Or we instill a sense of inadequacy in another, manipulate to instill in the other the impression of himself as defective, abnormal (gaslighting).

Before the dispute

I strive for clarity of mind

During a dispute, it is not always clear to us what is happening: what are we afraid of, how we hurt each other, what is the essence of the problem. But if we understand that violence is associated with areas of our vulnerability, then we will look at the other and ourselves differently. Not only is he evil, I’m not only worthless — we are vulnerable creatures who clash out of awkwardness, because of our injuries. This realization can greatly influence how disputes proceed.

I analyze past disputes

…with a husband about his mother, with a child because of video games, with a colleague because of a dossier problem…

I explore my fears I was afraid that I would be insulted, condemned, rejected, unfairly accused, devalued? Are you afraid to hear a scream, swear, be attacked? Is it terrible not to be able to protect your interests, to feel powerless, ridiculous, unloved? What about my opponent? What fears might he have?

I’m looking for a trigger: what offended me? What gesture, look, words? Which of the four forms of violence do I see in them? And I? How do I show violence? What do I do when I feel threatened? I try to teach my opponent a lesson, to show that he does not understand anything, I make a list of everything that he does badly, I turn away, I leave?

I’m watching the results: What happens to a relationship after an argument? Are we moving away, offended, trusting each other less? Who’s doing what? For what purpose?

I make a pact with myself

Based on my observations, I ask myself: how would I like things to happen in the future? What kind of relationship would I like to have ideally with this person? What are my needs? What are my limits that I don’t want/can’t take anymore? What mistakes would I like to avoid? What can I do to calm, support another, restore mutual trust?

During the dispute

I pacify the violence

The main thing here is not to let the spiral of violence drag us down. Do not give in to habitual reflexes and create a kind of safety cushion for yourself and in relationships in order to get out of the uncontrollable flow of the dispute. Instead of running away or trying to destroy the opponent, we try to stay connected and move on to dialogue.

I resist impulsivity: I do not allow hasty answers, insults and reciprocal sarcastic statements. I avoid accusations (“My husband doesn’t understand anything, my son is unbearable, my boss is incompetent, my neighbor is boorish, I’m a fool…”), which provoke an attack on another or on myself. I try to extinguish too aggressive manifestations: «Let’s try to do without mutual accusations.»

I return to reality: I try not to let my emotions blind me. What did he say to me? What did I hear? What do I think about it? Do I think this is fair or not? What scares me now? Does my opponent really have bad intentions or is he just stressed out? What can I ask for instead of being aggressive in return? “Wait, I need you to listen to me, so that you stop screaming, so that you explain to me…”

I ask questions: I try to overcome the fear that the interlocutor instills in me when he is angry, and clarify how he perceives the situation. “Can you explain to me what doesn’t suit you, tell me more precisely what you reproach me for, what would you like?” If he feels that he is really being listened to and his opinion is taken into account, then gradually he will no longer need to attack. Contradictions remain, but there is an opportunity to discuss them. Our efforts can be combined.

I offer cooperation

The more important for us the issues we are arguing about, the greater the risk of an explosion. And the more important it is to cope together. “I’m not against you. We are together against the problem.” Many problems can be solved only by joint efforts.

I think of a problemwhich I would like to decide, but which I cannot bring up without causing a quarrel, or which I dare not touch without quarreling.

I make an agreement with myself: as in the «Before the Argument» part, I make a list of goals, this time around this particular issue. What do I want to achieve? Why is this important to me? I imagine the reactions of the other, his doubts and needs. I consider my fears and what I need to pay attention to (what I tend to do when I react incorrectly). I provide what I might agree to or not.

I create conditions for trust: I present my intentions without saying anything that will arouse fears and violence on the part of the interlocutor. I do not allow reproaches (“I’m tired of you …”), threats (“Either this or not”), unrealistic goals (“From now on, we will do everything differently!”). I talk about my needs without asking the other to change. I express my desire that the solution to the problem be suitable for everyone by checking whether the interlocutor is able and willing to participate in the implementation of this solution.

I listen to the interlocutor: I give him the opportunity to formulate what is difficult for him, what confuses him, what causes doubts. I try to understand his needs and do not silence him by devaluing his point of view (“How negative you think!”) Or reassuring (“Everything will be fine”). I note his concern, I express mine. I accept my part of the responsibility for what has been bad so far.

I’m looking for common motivations: the transition from confrontation to cooperation suggests that everyone must find in this what suits his interests. That’s why it’s so important to listen to the other person when they talk about their concerns and needs.

The goal is not to impose your will on him (“I want you to change, that you obey me, that you leave me alone …”), but to find at least a minimum common denominator with him, a basis on which you can try to start negotiating ( “Can we try to listen to each other, even if we disagree, agree on a sign to calm down, postpone the conversation until later, not forgetting about this topic? ..”).

When everyone can get attention instead of hostility and openly, without fear, fully express their thoughts, a significant part of the problem has already been solved.

After the dispute

I care about relationships

Love and affection cannot be felt by order. But you can deal with what hinders them. Here are some ideas.

I accept another I admit that he, like me, is imperfect and vulnerable. It’s not about accepting his flaws, but about not reducing him to them and reminding ourselves that they are related to his injuries (the same is true for our relationship with ourselves). Instead of blaming him, I help him bring out the best in him. I try to support him. I seek to understand him, not to convince him.

I don’t judge hastily I avoid labels (“this is a hysteric, this is a neurotic …”). I am aware of my ability to blame someone for all the sins when I am scared or hurt. I admit that life is more diverse than I imagine.

I’m not looking for someone to blame, but a solution. I proceed from my needs, and not from the shortcomings of the other, I come out of the logic of «victim/executioner».

I stand next to the other, not against him. I trust, rely more on the other, turn on him, turn to him, thank him, confirm his value.