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Do we need conflict? Of course, they are needed — the psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova is sure. If you want to change a relationship that you are not happy with, you will have to go for a clash of interest. It is only important to conduct a difficult conversation correctly so that it does not end in a quarrel, but in mutual understanding.
Many people are afraid of conflict. They agree to experience a feeling of constant anxiety, just not to leave their comfort zone. If you want to get rid of this painful condition, you will have to initiate a conflict and defend your interests. To change the situation, but at the same time maintain a relationship, you must follow a number of rules.
Get your arguments down on paper
As a rule, conflicts are emotional. By putting your thoughts on paper, you will prepare yourself to stick to the issues directly related to the conflict situation. So you are more likely to talk about what you would like to change in the relationship, and not go over to mutual accusations.
Observe the interlocutor from the side
No matter how you prepare for the conversation, it is difficult to resist the emotional flow into which the other side is trying to involve you. However, as soon as the affect turns on: aggression in response to the attack of the offender or, on the contrary, fear, you have lost. You forget about everything that you previously wrote, and you get into an emotional flow that deprives you of the ability to think rationally. Try to take a symbolic step aside, shifting your attention from what you are being told to who is saying it. Take a closer look at how a person looks at this moment, what color of eyes he has, features of clothing. Is his hair dyed or natural? Is the shirt well ironed? Imagine him not as your opponent, but as a five-year-old kid who just got older. So you will return composure, which will help to act in your own interests.
Determine what the interlocutor really wants
Conflicts can be direct and implicit. In the first case, everything is clear: your car is cut off on the freeway, and the conflict does not go beyond the traffic incident. However, sometimes a completely different reason for dissatisfaction can be hidden behind the expressed claim. A loved one is jealous of you, but for various reasons he does not dare to express it. Instead, he accuses you of insisting on a trip to friends, and he would prefer another pastime. The position of a detached observer here again will allow you to better see the undercurrents: what really lies at the heart of the conflict.
Let the interlocutor talk
Every conflict has its phases. Do not try to quickly end an unpleasant conversation and give the interlocutor the opportunity to go through the most emotional stage, allowing you to free yourself from the accumulated burden of resentment. The more tension in a person, the more difficult it is for him to understand you. The words that it is important for him to hear from you: «I understand you.»
Return what was said
Briefly tell him everything he said. This will make the person feel that they are understood and accepted by you.
Speak to be heard
Try not to raise your voice: the louder you speak, the worse you will be perceived. Keep only the topic raised, setting out your vision of the situation as concisely as possible and without insults. Refuse any phrases that directly or indirectly accuse the other side: «You are doing a terrible thing.» Instead, say: «I would like», «I have an idea», «it would be great if …». By this you make it clear that you do not treat the interlocutor as an enemy, but reach out and wait for help from him.