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Relationships between adult children and their parents are often tense in themselves, but with the advent of grandchildren, the situation can escalate to the limit. The older generation is sure that without their help and advice, young parents will not raise a child, while young parents themselves defend the right to make their own decisions and set the rules for education. Why does such a conflict arise and how to learn to smooth it out?
“The relationship with my mother began to deteriorate as soon as I brought my son from the hospital,” says 38-year-old Olga. – Mom came to look at her grandson and said with tears of emotion: “I always thought: when a son is born, Mishenka will be. Great name! She was horrified when she found out that we had already figured out how to name the child: “Dima is bad, it will hurt a lot. All of Dima’s acquaintances are squishy.”
Then she began to give advice on how to pump the baby, how to feed: “Only by the hour, do you hear? Otherwise, it will sit on the neck. The evening ended with the fact that she snatched the baby from me and began to swaddle him: “Come to me, son. These young people can’t do anything!” And this “son” made me feel sick – my mother always dreamed of a son, and it turns out that we gave birth to her? No. My son, and she is a grandmother!
When my mother started talking about wanting to sell her apartment and move in with us, in order to monitor whether her “son” was being raised correctly, I had to let her know that this was my family, and I would not tolerate interference in our affairs. I understood that it sounded harsh, and I was worried, but I had no other choice. Since then, we have been in touch on the phone, occasionally meeting, but there is no close relationship between us. Now Dima is 12 years old, and he sees his grandmother three times a year – on holidays.
Should we all live together?
Today, it is difficult for many of us to imagine how three generations can live in the same house – and not just live, but be friends, support each other, gather at the dinner table every day.
While young parents are spinning to earn and raise children, older ones can just pamper their grandchildren and enjoy communication.
“We have forgotten how to live in a large family,” agrees Gestalt therapist Tatyana Fadeeva. – Until recently, grandparents were necessary for their children – those, as a rule, did not have an apartment, they had no one to leave the child with. And everyone had to adapt to everyday circumstances, smooth out sharp corners, look for compromises. The current older generation is no longer “rescuers”, “leaders of the pack”, not wiser with experience and gray hair, – modern dads and moms believe that they know everything better. And the alienation between “older” and “younger” parents is increasing.”
It seems that the self-sufficient world of a family consisting only of children and parents is a new value of modern reality. Maybe it’s really better for everyone?
“I remember my childhood with horror,” admits 32-year-old Svetlana. – We lived with my grandmother, she was with my mother, her daughter-in-law, on knives. When I got married, I decided that, no matter how difficult it was, I would never live with my parents under the same roof. And it seems to me that we have a happy family – my husband and I do not have to compete with anyone, and the children do not need to adapt to the different requirements of their parents and grandparents.
Educate or indulge?
It is really difficult to compete with the older generation. Its representatives often have more free time and financial opportunities. While twenty- and thirty-year-olds are spinning to earn money, raise children, gain prestige, the elders can simply pamper their grandchildren and enjoy communication.
Grandmothers can pamper and love without looking back, and limiting them in this means depriving their children and their grandchildren of this unconditional love.
“When the boys return from their grandparents, we have to re-accustom them to order every time,” complains 36-year-old Svetlana. “They don’t wash the dishes there, they don’t clean the toys, they don’t study their lessons, but they only eat sweets all day long, play on the tablet and watch TV. No matter how much I asked my mother-in-law to be stricter with the guys, they still do it their own way. And it turns out that we are evil parents who want too much, and they are kind and beloved grandparents.
But here is what the same grandmother, 58-year-old Tatyana, answers: “The son and daughter-in-law constantly demand something from the children. And with us, the guys have a rest in their souls, sleep off and eat off. Is it really that bad?
One of the reasons for the disagreement between the older and younger generations of parents is the difference in ideas about who should do what and how to behave towards their grandchildren.
“Grandmothers do not raise children, they have a different role,” says family psychologist Maria Dubinina. “They can pamper and love without looking back, and limiting them in this means depriving their children and their grandchildren of this unconditional love. Another thing is that young parents, as mentors, can discuss some fundamental points with the older generation. The daily routine, food – you can kindly say that this is how it is accepted in your family and you would like these rules not to be violated, even when the child is not with you.
How to set boundaries?
When children grow up and then start their own families, personal boundaries in the family change. Defining and separating areas of responsibility and communication (for example, what we discuss with parents and what only with each other) is not an easy task even for those who have such a skill. It is even more difficult for those who are not used to this: after all, they have to set boundaries with the very parents who did not recognize these boundaries.
30-year-old Elena admits that she cannot do it: “Sometimes I think that I hate my mother. I cannot refuse her help: my husband and I go to work, and she stays with our two-year-old son. There is no money for a nanny, it is still too early to give Vadik a kindergarten. Grandmother is happy to communicate with her grandson. But at the same time he is trying to control the life of our family!
More than once I found her rummaging through the documents – she checked whether we paid the apartment on time. My mother rearranges our closets endlessly, and one day at a family dinner, she remarked that we didn’t hide condoms well enough. She decides where we go and where we don’t. Not once did she let us go to meet friends or go to the theater, because “good parents after work should skip home to their child, and not to parties.” Any of our attempts to talk ends in mutual reproaches and scandal.
We need to decide whether we are ready to make concessions and accept the conditions of parents, including those that do not speak out loud
What can be done in this situation? To begin with, despite your possible grievances, treat your parents with respect and recognize their merits: after all, they really help us, although not always as much as we would like. “Complaining about your parents means admitting your own immaturity,” notes Tatyana Fadeeva. – Instead of arguing and demanding, try to thank! And then ask about what is really important to you.
And remember that a request differs from an order in that it recognizes the right of another to refuse or put forward counterclaims. And then it is our turn to decide whether we are ready to make concessions and accept the conditions of the parents, including those who do not speak out loud (“Since I am sitting with your child, I will arrange things in your closet in my own way”).
We may choose to arrange our lives without resorting to their help or by reducing it. “But even in this case, the parents remain the ones who gave us life,” recalls Tatiana Fadeeva.
Grandchildren as a cure for old age and loneliness
Grandchildren can become a light in the window for grandparents, as in the case of 62-year-old Anna: “My husband died two years ago, and I would not have survived this if it were not for my granddaughter Sanya. I just get sick when they don’t bring her for the weekend, because I only live when I play and walk with my granddaughter!
After experiencing loss, grandparents often try to find new meaning in raising children. Toddlers help them forget grief, displace anxiety about the brevity of life, drown out the pain of loneliness. And when some expectations of the older generation are not justified (they are not allowed to see their grandchildren or young parents raise their children incorrectly, from the point of view of the elders), all sorrows roll in at once.
“But in the words of my grandmother, one can see emotional blackmail: if you want me to live, give me what does not belong to me,” notes Maria Dubinina. “Then grandchildren become the cure for the disease. Parents have a difficult situation: they have to find a way of behavior so as not to alienate the elderly person and at the same time not to indulge his whims.
First of all, parents should take care of children, put their interests first. “I learned to ask myself why I don’t want to let my daughter go to my mother,” says 29-year-old Sophia. “Because she has to do homework that she’ll most likely forget about at grandma’s house, or because mom refused to sit with her the last time I wanted to go to the theater, and I’m still angry about it and want to do it against her.”
Analyzing your motives can help you make the right decision. You can also ask the elders what is happening to them, what they need, what other ways there are to help them, and try to find solutions together.
How to maintain balance in relationships with grandparents?
Psychologist Maria Dubinina advises:
Clearly allocate roles. Grandma is not mom, and grandfather is not dad. Parents educate, grandparents – watch, support grandchildren when they need it, rejoice at the success of all family members and do not interfere in the family space of adult children.
Avoid manipulation. If the children always oppose you to grandparents (“you don’t allow digging into your toolbox, but grandfather allows you”, “you say that you have to be at home at 8, and I’m walking with my grandmother until night …”), explain to them that all people are different. And that grandmother has her own rules in the house, but here, in our house, we parents make the decision.
Complement each other. You take your child to English and dance classes, and the grandmother feeds the ducks with him and plays board games. And there is no confrontation here: you both make sure that the child develops harmoniously. The more around the child those whom he trusts, with whom he spends interesting time, the more open and inquisitive he will grow.
Look into the past… and into the future
Our jealousy of our own children can complicate relationships.
“It seems to me that the father is trying to do everything for my son that he did not do for me,” Grigory, 39, complains. – He reads to him, walks, takes him to the circus, mastered the computer to play with him, and I ceased to exist for him. He doesn’t even criticize me like he used to, he just completely switched to his grandson.”
It may seem that grandparents are trying to turn back the clock, to do with their grandchildren what they did not succeed with their children, and they seem to become a draft that you want to rewrite again. What to do in such cases? Anyway, thank you. “And rejoice that they treat your children better than they treated you,” adds Tatyana Fadeeva.
It is good when older parents are ready to show understanding and sincere generosity.
“Being a grandmother means believing in your children as parents, they are older and wiser than I once was,” writes psychotherapist Irina Mlodik. “Accept your own anarchy, agreeing to the rules that you no longer set.”
But this position is not given to everyone. Physical ailments, fatigue, unresolved personal issues, and relationship tensions often interfere with trust between family members. And every time we have to re-analyze the situation, look for the causes of misunderstanding and try to eliminate them.
And the least we can do is “respect your parents even if you disagree with them,” says Tatiana Fadeeva. “After all, we remember that children will grow up, and we, in turn, will become grandparents. And now is the right time to show children an example of empathy and acceptance towards the older generation.”