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Life without quarrels is an illusion, but despite this, we strive in every possible way to reduce their number. It would seem that this is bad? Why do we avoid showdown and how to behave in a conflict situation?
When you encounter conflict, are you quick to apologize, agree, and work things out? Do you compromise and hide your feelings behind a forced smile and nervous laughter? And then you can’t stop thinking about the situation and you can’t sleep?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, conflicts are causing you anxiety. When faced with minor contradictions, you turn pale, feel panicked, and feel like a victim.
Why do conflicts upset us? They awaken unpleasant feelings, old fears and anxieties. We feel palpitations, tremble and sweat. The body reacts to traumas from the past.
Until you learn to process difficult feelings and accept that disagreement is a healthy part of a relationship, true intimacy is impossible.
Why do we avoid conflict?
Here are a few reasons for avoidance behaviors that come from the past.
Aggressive Parents
Too strict, quick-tempered and quick to punish parents provoke uncontrollable anxiety in children, which leaves emotional wounds that do not heal.
In adulthood, conflict reopens these wounds and causes panic reactions such as sweating, tremors, and heart palpitations. Instead of overcoming relationship difficulties, we resort to childish defenses of denial, repression, and depersonalization.
In an attempt to protect ourselves, we emotionally distance ourselves from those around us, abruptly end relationships and stop communicating with friends without warning, or demonize others to justify our behavior.
Aggressive peers or siblings
If adults don’t intervene and set boundaries, siblings and buddies bully sensitive children and harm children’s fragile self-esteem.
As a result, a person who has experienced constant aggression from other children either avoids conflict in every possible way, or overreacts to it.
Lack of adult care
If no one comforts a child, he develops distrust of people. And in adulthood, such a child leaves the conflict and demonstrates indifference to what is happening. Deep under the external indifference lies a feeling of emptiness and uselessness, but few people know about it.
How to handle conflict?
Conflicts are inevitable. There are several avoidance strategies that work in reverse, that is, lead to escalation of conflicts:
You hide your true feelings.
You accumulate dissatisfaction.
You neglect your needs.
By learning to process conflict, you will stabilize your self-esteem and gain confidence. And, most importantly, you will become closer to those around you. Here are some tips for dealing with conflict.
Do not be silent
Learn to speak your mind when conflict or disagreement arises. Online comments and correspondence in the messenger do not count. Virtual showdown brings only temporary relief and, as a rule, is passive-aggressive. If you are afraid to engage in a face-to-face confrontation, seek support from a friend or colleague.
Make friends with conflict
Many stress-related illnesses stem from repressed feelings and unspoken resentments. Recognize that conflicts are inevitable. And instead of running from them, run towards them — solve them in real time.
Sign up for group therapy
Therapy groups are the best place to develop communication skills, learn to build trusting relationships and resolve conflicts productively.
Train your resilience to conflict
We know how to react destructively from birth, but civilized conflict resolution must be learned. It is difficult not to shout, not to hide, but to talk calmly and listen to your opponent. But if you practice, you will be rewarded with new opportunities for communication, intimacy and trust.
About the Author: Sean Grover is a psychotherapist and author of When the Kids Are in Charge. How to take control away from your favorite tormentor and start enjoying parenting again.