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Many of us have experienced a lot of stress in recent weeks. Strong experiences block the ability to control ourselves, which is why we break down on loved ones and succumb to the provocations of those who crave a quarrel. How to maintain sanity in such a situation? We share the recommendations of a clinical psychologist.
If you have ever boiled soup, then imagine what will happen if you close the pan with a lid and go about your business. After a while, the temperature in the pot will rise, the volume of liquid will increase, and you will have to spend the evening scrubbing the stove and floor in the kitchen. Even if you hold on to the lid, the soup will find a way to break free.
The same thing happens with aggression. We are forced to suppress this emotion on a daily basis, as society requires us to be conformal: positive, accommodating and polite. You can’t send a rude boss if you want to keep your job. It is better not to break loose on loved ones, so as not to live later with guilt. Do not yell at the child, so as not to injure him.
But our ability to restrain is not infinite. Sometimes the slightest provocation is enough for the accumulated righteous anger, like soup from a pot, to flood a person who just fell under the arm. Here are a few tricks to help you stay sane during a conflict.
1. Rationalize the conflict
Keep a few thoughts in mind, one of which might cool your inner pot of anger.
First of all, no one is obliged to live up to your expectations, even if it seems to you that it is stupid, reckless, or even criminal to think otherwise. In addition, you can only influence your feelings, thoughts and words, and shifting your emotions to your opponent is not very fair.
Think about what you want from the dialogue. To what extent does your behavior bring you closer to your goal? Which outcome would be acceptable to you? After all, you hardly seriously hope that after you state your arguments, the interlocutor will kneel down and, with tears in his eyes, admit that you are right.
Our desire to “re-educate” or “convert” someone is often utopian and hides the need for acceptance and recognition, which the interlocutor is not at all obliged to give you (although he could in return for acceptance on your part).
2. Look in the mirror
If someone’s opinion or position pisses you off, ask yourself three questions:
What I feel?
What character trait or property in me causes this emotion?
What does this tell me about myself?
Try to answer them honestly. Imagine the situation: the boss is indignant that you were late for a meeting. This annoys and angers you, because you got into a traffic jam and nothing depended on you. So let’s formulate the answers:
I feel angry.
Demandingness, the position of an “adult” who scolds a “guilty child”.
Perhaps I envy that the boss can talk to me in this tone, but I can’t talk to him (after all, he is the boss). But I also sometimes talk like that with my subordinates. Why be angry at a person who behaves the same way as me?
Self-observation will help you understand the interlocutor, perhaps even take their side, and not follow the destructive dynamics in the conversation. You may find that you are angry with the person because he does not hear you, although you yourself do not make the slightest effort to hear him.
Only by changing tactics and taking a step forward will you get a chance for a constructive dialogue. Sometimes even a small concession is enough to establish a dialogue and come to a resolution of the conflict.
3. Strengthen your own self-esteem
A confident person does not need to prove anything to anyone. By humiliating and insulting others, we unconsciously live our own traumas. Perhaps you don’t even remember it, but someone insulted you in a similar way a long time ago, and you didn’t have the opportunity to take revenge. Even if we experience euphoria from being right during a conflict, at this moment our grievances, fears and need for spiritual warmth and care go deeper into the subconscious.
There are many ways to build self-esteem. One of the techniques is called «journey into a pleasant memory.» Recall the feelings you experienced when you did something. For example, the pride and joy of riding a bike for the first time or getting your first paycheck. Try to remember this sensation at the bodily level and try to reproduce it to feel confident.
Other options are to imagine an “inner parent” who praises you and gives you a resource of support and joy. Or every night before going to bed, remember the things that you did today and for which you can praise yourself.
4. Develop mindfulness
We are all responsible for our own emotional state. When we broadcast a certain emotion, we “turn on” it in another person. If a child falls on the street and hurts his knee, his mother’s calm and confident smile will support him, and not her anxiety.
The chances of creating «understanding and trust» by aggression are negligible. Transmit trust and a desire to cooperate if you want to negotiate. If your spouse reproaches you for not paying enough attention to her, there is no need to be offended or defensive. Just try to negotiate so that you can spend more time together.
5. Do not give in to provocations
A person in anger feels stronger than he really is. Therefore, some people tend to provoke opponents, bring them to emotions.
For example, if you are asked what you have been doing for the past six years, resist the urge to argue and get angry. Instead of falling for a provocation, the purpose of which is to arouse feelings of guilt, make you make excuses and continue to insist on your innocence, calmly answer that for the last six years you have been working, studying, raising children. If the person’s rage is so strong that your calmness is not transmitted, just gently end the communication in order to protect your psyche.
6. Practice self-management
Those who master the skills of self-regulation will find it much easier to curb anger. What contributes to this? Morning exercise, if you practice it regularly. Any body practice, such as meditation, yoga, gymnastics or martial arts, as well as emotional image therapy or trance techniques. All this will help you maintain composure in an emergency and give others warmth, care and love.