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Almost in any team there is a “professional brawler” – a person who perceives any criticism addressed to him as an insult and initiates a conflict. Is it possible to avoid confrontation?
Professional conflicts are a necessary evil. We have to defend our point of view, point out to others their mistakes, get our way in the face of a lack of time or resources. Sometimes this is difficult and even painful, especially if not all parties to the conflict are ready to comply with the work ethic.
In a working environment, confrontation is part of the production process, and most often local skirmishes pass quickly and quite correctly: both sides understand their role and are result-oriented. As a result, in labor conflicts there is a compromise that just needs to be found.
But sometimes we have to deal with someone who “plays dirty”, using the methods of domestic scandal in a work situation: getting personal, veiled or direct insults and substitution of concepts. And he does everything to turn a constructive conversation into a squabble. What are the causes of such conflicts?
What does the aggressor stand for?
“A person voluntarily entering into conflict communication, as a rule, has already experienced a feeling of humiliation,” says psychologist Anatoly Dobin. This feeling, unfortunately, experienced by almost everyone, but for some people the experience of humiliation is devastating. For example, if it was received in childhood, from people significant to the child.
“Such people,” Anatoly Dobin continues, “are characterized by suspicion and the desire to constantly control their environment. Their goal is to prevent a repetition of the humiliation of their personality. As a result, this manifests itself as resentment and a tendency to see an attack where there is none. When such a person is approached with job offers, he may mistake them for an attempt to belittle him as a person and professional.
There is a conflict, but not of interests, but of ideas about the situation. While one of the participants in the industrial conflict believes that we are talking about working issues that need to be discussed and moved on, the other believes that his honor and dignity are in danger, and therefore it is necessary to defend them immediately. Humiliating the “opponent”.
The goal of the aggressor is to hurt, find the sensitive string of the interlocutor
Gender stereotypes are used (“women don’t understand anything”), insults based on age (“it’s still young to tell me”), hints of incompetence (“got it from an ad”) or someone’s patronage (“daddy attached it”). Such statements can be both direct and rude, and veiled, but no less offensive. There are no taboo topics for the aggressor, and sooner or later he achieves his goal: hitting a sensitive string, he finally drags his interlocutor from a working situation into a domestic conflict.
It is worth at least once to respond to an insult with an insult or even just show that the words hurt you, and the aggressor can celebrate a victory: the working topic is forgotten, the result is not achieved, but nerves are frayed and human dignity is humiliated.
There is only one way to get out of a situation like this with honor: not to enter it. However, this is not about avoiding confrontation. The way to resolve a professional conflict is to consistently strive to keep the situation within the framework of working negotiations. Let the other try to offend or offend you, you must achieve a result, and only this matters. First of all, for this you need to control yourself.
How to avoid conflict
“If you lose control of yourself, you lose everything,” says psychologist Robert Bakel of the University of Toronto. – Manipulative behavior is aimed at evoking an emotional reaction in you, making you behave aggressively or, conversely, defend yourself. If we lose our temper, we are doing exactly what the manipulators want us to do. And we lose because we enter into a game that cannot be won. Self-control is required, and this is precisely the control of behavior. You can get angry or upset if that is your choice, but you need to watch your behavior.
Dr. Bakel offers a few simple rules, following which a polite and well-mannered person can emerge victorious from a labor conflict with an aggressive manipulator.
Do not rush to answer. Before you get into a conflict at work, think about how you can deal with the situation, experiencing and causing a minimum of unpleasant emotions. Only then act.
Yes, this means that you should take care not only of your feelings, but also of the feelings of your interlocutor. Remember that he is a man, even if he behaves inappropriately. That it might hurt him too. Moreover, he is in pain right now, and even if it is not your fault, it is in your power not to aggravate his suffering.
Pay attention to the speed and volume of your speech. An agitated person tends to speak faster and louder, forcing the interlocutor to also raise his voice. The faster the speech, the less thought in it and the higher the likelihood that something irreparable will be said. Do not hurry. Weigh your words.
If possible, take a time out. This does not mean that you need to shy away from the conflict, but rather that you should postpone it. If you see that your opponent is seething with negative emotions, suggest that he reschedule the conversation: “I’m not ready to talk to you about this now. Let’s make an appointment for tomorrow.” This way you get time to prepare and your opponent time to cool down. In addition, since the conflict takes place in the team and in front of colleagues, it is possible that one of them uses his influence to calm the aggressor.
Don’t take any chances. Sometimes it seems to us that one well-aimed blow – for example, a good joke or a particularly deadly argument – can end the confrontation. But what works so well on sitcoms rarely works in real life. Be correct and don’t try to end everything in one fell swoop.
Focus on results. We get what we focus on. If someone behaves aggressively and provokes you into conflict, you can focus on insults, and then there will only be more of them. And you can translate the conversation into a constructive direction, leaving provocations and insults behind the scenes. And that brings us to the main recommendation.
Words that will help in confrontation
- “Yes”. Even arguments against must begin with the word “yes” – it is natural for a person to calm down when they agree with him.
- “We”. Not “we are against you”, but “we are with you”. Try to include yourself and another participant in the conflict in the same social group: people are more likely to take the side of representatives of “their tribe”.
- “I understand that you are upset” – in response to all attempts to offend you. Thus, you simultaneously reject the offense and grant forgiveness for it.
- “It’s really not easy” and other phrases that will show: you realize that your opponent is having a hard time, but the situation requires additional efforts.
- “I heard you” almost forbidden. Use only if the negative argumentation has gone in a circle, and this is the third circle.
- “Let’s both take a time out and meet in an hour (at three, tomorrow at ten)” – if you understand that the interlocutor, under the onslaught of emotions, has lost touch with reality.
Don’t take the “bait”. “Bait” are words that have no other purpose than to make you lose self-control, control over yourself and over the course of the conversation. Having lost your temper, you give the reins of government into the hands of a person who is not inclined to look after your interests. All the swearing, all the insults, all the sexist, racist remarks are designed to distract us from the essence of the labor conflict. The answer to them is simple: “I understand that you are upset, but the work must be done.”
Don’t give in. Don’t fight back. Don’t pretend that you even noticed this blow. All you have to do is stick to your line.
Yes. This is hard. The person who is trying to hurt you right now may be cruel. But it is up to you to decide whether his attempts will succeed. It’s up to you to decide if it really hurts. By the way, the pain will subside as soon as you get your way: for example, promising to complete the work by Wednesday, provide technical support or give funding. The result is an amazing healer for a wounded soul, and only he, by and large, matters. Of course, if we are talking about work, not love.