Confession of an alcoholic. «I was buying a dozen beers, good vodka, wine. I started drinking on Friday and finished on Sunday »

Michał, a 39-year-old alcoholic who has not been drinking since 2014, claims he is an ordinary person and suggests going to an open AA meeting. Come in and listen to the stories of those trying to get even. Maybe their struggle with addiction will be more interesting … But of course he will tell about himself, because he feels that although he will always be an alcoholic, sobriety is now his superpower.

1. The addiction started innocently – from partying with friends when he was a teenager
2. In time, he had to drink every day. – The worst came in the morning, when the percentages started to drop out of the bloodstream and I couldn’t drink at work. I was shaking, I was sweating, my mouth was dry
3. Michał admits: I was at the bottom. Seven years ago he went to rehab that changed everything
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5. You can find more such stories on the TvoiLokony home page

Alcohol meant accepting peers and having fun

Michał divides the history of his addiction into four phases: introductory, warning, critical and chronic. As for the former, it is difficult to capture the moment when alcohol becomes a threat. Probably the relatives see it faster than the people who are interested in it.

– My first contact with alcohol was when I was a child, but who of us did not? – he begins. – Vodka usually accompanied family meetings. Among my closest relatives, only my grandfather had a problem with alcohol. It is difficult to say whether he was an alcoholic or a drunkard … He lived to old age, but alcohol left a mark on his health, its debilitating effect was evident.

The beginnings of drinking were innocent. A high school student, surrounded by his peers hungry for life, liked to have fun. The games are usually accompanied by some alcohol, it quickly improves the mood, and after a few sips a person feels omnipotent. Michał recalls that he drank to raise the mood, to make it even more enjoyable, even happier. He wanted to integrate with his company, and alcohol seemed to be the most effective and coolest link. It was natural.

“I was not aware of what awaited me,” he sums up.

The year 2001 brought difficulties at school for the 19-year-old and his parents’ grievances. Meanwhile, alcohol made him feel relieved, blissful, gave him courage, stimulated his imagination, and most of all put aside any problems. It was a luxury. It is true that you also got a hangover in the package, but the young body was recovering quickly and it was possible to get ready for the next party.

– All my friends drank, there was bragging about who would pour more beers, vodka or wine into themselves – he recalls. – I felt good in this company, fun is always guaranteed. And if it’s fun, why not be tempted? Not a drink when everyone else is drinking?

So he got sick at parties. He was helped by a long sleep and plenty of water, and when it ended with vomiting and a terrible headache, he resolved never to drink again. Until next time.

– Only now did I understand why my high school friends who drank more than me did not roll down and today have no problem with alcohol. They drink, sometimes have a hangover, but enjoy a good wine with dinner, a glass of Scotch whiskey. They could say stop.

– When I realized that alcohol had settled into my life, I decided that I had to do something about it. I went to the nearest psychological clinic, where I was quickly dismissed with the recommendation that I talk to … a priest about it. Maybe if I had received specialist help then, I would have managed to change something and stop what happened next.

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When alcohol replaces everything

Over time, the company changed, and Michał drank more and more often, until the moment came when he no longer needed company.

– In 2004, I was drinking regularly, every day. I didn’t stop until the movie broke off, she recalls. – It was a very dangerous period, I was on the verge of taking my own life. Anyway, life made no sense to me then, because it was all about alcohol anyway.

Discouraged by the first contact with addiction treatment specialists, Michał tried to deal with the addiction himself. He enrolled in studies, took a job; all this to take your mind off alcohol.

“I did not realize that I would not be able to stop this downward slope alone,” he says. – I studied and worked. At the same time, during the week I drank 2-3 beers a day, just to help me recover. On Fridays, I did more shopping: a dozen beers, good vodka and some wine. The store was close. I started drinking on Friday and finished on Sunday. Only this gave me relief …

– When I drank every day, I was surprised that two beers were already making me in the desired state, and I was just constantly under the influence and my alcohol tolerance changed. The worst was in the morning, around 10 o’clock, when the percentages were starting to drop out of the bloodstream and I couldn’t drink at work. I was shaking, I was sweating, my mouth was dry, I was swollen, my muscles ached, I was weakening, I couldn’t concentrate.

It was no longer about bliss or a surge of courage. The body was demanding alcohol. As soon as possible. After drinking it, peace returned. Convulsions, weakness, sweating, muscle aches disappeared… It was good.

In 2011, Michał landed on a detox for the first time. He decided to quit drinking and not drink… nine months.

— But I lived with the thought that sooner or later I would have a drink – he says. – I was not aware that returning to drinking would also be a return to the addiction phase, in which I was before. In 2012 I got a job and I was happy to buy four beers. This way I went back to my daily drinking. I changed my job three more times.

When he lost her, he had to drink to avoid pain and fear. And when he was working, he would open the bottle as soon as he woke up.

“There were times when I had to throw up first to be able to take another dose of percentages,” he recalls. – I looked terrible because I stopped taking care of myself. I had black eyes, scars on my face, bruised hands and my whole psyche in tatters. Longer periods without alcohol have always been a nightmare. I couldn’t function without it anymore.

In solitude, my imagination ran wild. I spent hours writing with strangers on Gadu-Gadu, chatting and pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I lied to myself and to others. I made plans, dreamed, but I did not implement anything I had imagined. I had no passion, no hobby, no job.

Michał does not hide that in 2014 he was already at the bottom. No job, no money, run down, smelly and drunk forever. Life was meaningless, the physical and mental pain was unbearable. Hope for a better life was gone.

“I didn’t believe I was going to keep IT anymore,” he says. – I decided to come to terms with premature death. I knew that each sip of vodka could be the last one in my life. I was convinced that I would not live to be 33 years old, yet I was afraid of death. I also tried to prepare my parents for this eventuality. Back then I did not know that alcoholism is an incurable and no fault disease. I blamed myself for everything.

– And parents never liked to see their son drunk. My mother took more bottles from me, she was pissed that her son was suffering, but she was helpless and suffering just as much as I did. When I had no money, I begged her for some alcohol and … she would buy me not to get tired. It was a family drama. At the same time, my parents never renounced me, although in 2014 my dad gave me a strong ultimatum: “You are either being treated or under the bridge”.

1. See also: First Warning Signs Alcohol is Ruining Your Liver

A sobering alcoholic

In June 2014, he went to rehab. – From that moment, miracles began to happen in my life. It was there that I started to introduce myself as Michał, an alcoholic. I didn’t want to drink, I was sick of hell on earth. For two months I worked very hard on myself in a closed center. The rehab was the last hope for change and it was successfully completed. Later I applied for in-depth therapy, which I also completed. Then there was a fear of what will happen when I leave the facility. I didn’t see what would happen to me, but I was also a different person, I didn’t want to go back to the nightmare of drinking.

Michał recalls: – During rehab, I assumed the identity of a sobering alcoholic. It was the beginning of the changes that continue today. The first three years after leaving rehab were tough. I often changed jobs, I broke up with my girlfriend, but I was careful, I was even exaggerated and used the knowledge and skills gained during the therapy.

When Michał stopped drinking, family relationships were revived. Harmony returned to the house he shared with his parents. Now they are both proud of their son and support him very much. Their relationship is as good as never before.

“I’ve only been to AA four times, only once after leaving rehab,” says Michael. – I do not go to meetings, maybe there will be time for it, for now I have my “HALT” (the principle used in addiction therapy – editor’s note), this is my way.

His recently discovered passion – photography helped him to sober up. Taking pictures takes all the free time, thoughts are spinning around him. It is also a sea of ​​satisfaction, because his photos take part in competitions and appear at exhibitions. Photography was a miracle cure until something happened that, as he himself says “he had not experienced before, or rather had wrong ideas”. Future love.

– I fell in love up to my ears. Today we have a wedding date already set. I changed my place of residence, now I live with my beloved. She is not an addict, but she has known my illness and, most importantly, has accepted my past. Our relationship is going well. Sometimes alcohol appears at home, but it does not interfere with my daily life. Over the years of not drinking, I got used to his presence, I will not run away from him, he is everywhere. Of course, it will always be a threat, but now I know that I can live my life to the fullest without him, that I can be happy – he says.

– I often look at the world through the prism of my past, sometimes I do not believe that my life has changed by 180 degrees and now every day is a miracle. I know that I have wasted all my youth, I was tired, I lived in the shadow of death, I was a psychic wreck, but now I can see that it made sense, I needed it to understand life and myself.

Going to rehab and receiving in-depth therapy turned out to be the best decisions. Today, Michał is at the stage of harvesting crops, at the same time he knows that he will never run away from the past, because it shaped him.

– All this crap, suffering, dying was for something. I don’t want to drink and I believe that I can do it for the rest of my life, but I will be an alcoholic until the last day and I am not XNUMX% sure that the evil will not come back. In any case, I am renouncing him. I don’t want to go back to hell. My path is the path of happiness and hard work on myself. I can’t guarantee anyone that they won’t drink alcohol after they leave rehab. I have met people who have come back to therapy, people who have come back to drinking who have failed, but there are also people who have succeeded. It is definitely worth getting treatment or going to an A.A. meeting. There is always a chance and hope is the last to die. The stakes are highest because it is life and happiness. That’s why it’s worth it!

What would he say to someone who is wondering? – Man, this is your life, you will do what you want with it, but think if you want to drink and live with the death sentence, the deadline of which you do not know, or get a grip, say NO to alcohol and start enjoying life. Your choice – your life. I chose six years ago and I am happy.

What, apart from love and passion for photography, gives him happiness?

Michał claims that as he stopped drinking, he began to change physically, mentally and spiritually, but that’s not all. His entire environment has changed as well, not only his parents have changed, but also his friends, because they are not friends for a glass. Now he surrounds himself with kind people and tries to create a good aura around himself. To be just a good person on a daily basis.

— I’m an alcoholic, but I don’t flaunt it. My friends, family and friends know and accept me. I love and consider this feeling the greatest reward for being sober. Besides, like everyone else, life often hurts me, sometimes it’s hard, but never enough to reach for a glass again. In the past, every obstacle was a reason to drink, today I just overcome it and keep going.

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