His screen is able to unite family members around him, but can also alienate them from each other. In any case, the appearance of a computer in the house is able to change a lot. In which of the rooms is it better to put it? Four strategies for solving a problem that seems simple only at first glance.
“When I gave my husband a laptop, he was in seventh heaven, the way I had never seen him before, even after the birth of our daughters,” recalls 45-year-old Marina. “After a few months, he became a real computer addict. We ended up getting divorced.» If the computer does not always become a stumbling block, causing discord and exacerbating existing problems, often it really upsets the existing family balance. “It encourages family members to create or rebuild the relationships that bind them in new conditions that may not be acceptable for all households,” says sociopsychologist Irina Palilova. The computer can become the third wheel in the communication of spouses, it can jeopardize parental authority, give rise to conflicts between relatives … In a word, it is not always possible to gently introduce this new family member into the house, without allowing him to dictate his own rules. But this “indicator”, which reveals weaknesses in family relationships, can at the same time help correct the situation or even create new ties. It all depends on the place that is assigned to him in the house, both literally and figuratively. Tour of the apartment with comments.
In the bedroom
Plus: a new form of intimacy“It was important to my partner that I let his computer into our bedroom,” says 29-year-old Kira. When I started showing interest in the computer, my friend calmed down. Otherwise it would be taken as if I don’t love his best friend.» Forcing acceptance of your computer means symbolically forcing acceptance of yourself. Initiating another into computer wisdom also means making him a part of your world and strengthening the couple. The computer can create a new form of intimacy. “It allows you to make plans together in real time, think over travel, organize a party … and immediately begin to act,” notes Irina Palilova. In a couple, the computer can also become an intermediary, allowing you to avoid conflicts and communicate more calmly. “When my husband and I had problems, I had to use email to talk to him,” testifies 31-year-old Valeria. “Also, he learned important things about me and my life from my blog.”
Minus: the enemy of love“When will you finally go to bed?”, “We don’t have sex anymore”, “Turn off this car, I can’t sleep!”. By infiltrating the bedroom, the bastion of marital intimacy, the computer can become an ever-present rival that devours your time. In the family, it is necessary to leave space for pleasures alone, but measure is important here. Many women feel left out in their own bedroom in the face of complete merging with their partner’s computer. “The monitor turns into a screen between spouses, creating the illusion of a person’s presence, when in fact he is not with you,” analyzes Irina Palilova. — If there is one computer in the family, then in the matrimonial bedroom it can cause a love and sexual disaster; besides, children, attracted to the parent’s bedroom by a computer, can turn it into a walk-through courtyard.
In the living room
Plus: reason to communicate“Our computer is in the living room,” explains 58-year-old Anton, the father of two sons aged 16 and 11. “The Internet is an open window to the world, so from time to time we keep an eye on where our children roam in this world.” Parents are more relaxed when the computer is in the living room, even though children can create several mail addresses for themselves (besides known to mom and dad) and know many other ways to get around parental vigilance … The living room also makes it easier to share a computer, making it accessible to all at once: you can, for example, ask for help from children when buying or selling various items via the Internet, you can watch movies together or show your friends photos taken on vacation …
Minus: children in authorityThe living room is a place of fundamental importance for a close-knit family… where a computer with constant Internet access can quickly become a troublemaker. And most importantly — it determines the new alignment of forces within the family. “At 60, my parents aren’t great at virtual space, so I have to give them private lessons,” laughs 19-year-old Leonid. Children are often more technologically advanced and therefore often become their parents’ mentors. The image of the head of the family may suffer from this. “A child can feel more significant by introducing parents to a new area, but at the same time he should not turn into the main family expert,” psychologist Galina Kucherova lowers the degree of discussion. “If family relationships are stable, then children will not have a sense of their “omnipotence”, in the face of which parents will feel devalued, unable to give their children any knowledge in this area.”
In a nursery or teen’s room
Plus: a step towards autonomy“The computer plays a very important role in the lives of modern children, and it is good if it appears in a teenager’s room no later than 14 years old,” Galina Kucherova believes. The computer allows him to overcome shyness or complexes, it is easier to get closer to the opposite sex … “For a teenager, a computer is associated with a ritual of familiarization with the world of adults,” continues Galina Kucherova. — It contributes to his socialization and, in part, to the acquisition of independence. Children are immersed in the Internet and rapidly isolate themselves from their parents, establish a distance … «By placing a computer in the nursery, parents get the opportunity to» cut the umbilical cord, «accepting the fact that they cannot fully control the virtual life of their grown child.
Minus: quarrels between children “I was eleven years old when the computer appeared in our family,” recalls 28-year-old Lisa. “It was given to my older brother, and we started arguing terribly.” The computer may exacerbate the initial conflict or rivalry between siblings: «Why does he/she act as if the computer is his property?» In addition, the computer in the nursery can lead to the fact that the parents will be sent «retired», as they have transferred all their powers to the omniscient Internet. “Parents should not completely withdraw themselves,” Galina Kucherova is sure. “For example, when a child uses the Internet to prepare a report, they can help him find information, develop his critical thinking, etc.”
In the office
Pros: be with yourself“I have three children, and I need my own corner where I can sit quietly at my laptop,” says 40-year-old Christina. “When I get home, I immediately turn it on to check my mail, and reluctantly let the kids play on it. He became almost a friend to me, a partner. It contains all my notes, and for me it is equivalent to a personal diary. Behind the closed door in the office, the computer helps to distract and recuperate, it becomes a space of freedom, won back from everyday life, an excuse to be alone with yourself.
Cons: nothing to doAn office, a hall, a guest room… Wherever you place your computer, you can always turn it on without disturbing others, or calmly have an affair in the virtual world. No unity around the computer, no desire to share with those who are nearby, but only face-to-face with the machine, which can end with the fact that a person will tear himself away from family life. “My husband would close the door to talk on the webcam, and when I asked him to teach me how to use a computer, he refused on the pretext that it was his secret hideout,” Dilyara, 54, recalled. “Then we bought another computer for me and my daughter, and now we have two computers, two offices … and two lives.”