You probably know this type of people: they strive to please others, try not to argue with anyone, willingly agree even with the point of view that causes their internal protest. Such people demonstrate complaisance, a defensive reaction that occurs in response to violence, physical or psychological. About how to get rid of it in yourself, says psychologist Maria Romantsova.
Twenty years ago, a friend’s husband shared: “Everyone at work loves me, but I hate everyone behind their backs! I come home and drink and wish everyone evil. Learn to please everyone! I smile at them, do what they ask, almost never refuse. I live in this hell all my life! I never tell anyone what I really think of him.»
He doomed himself to constant anger and hatred of others. The more he tried to please, the more he hated. But it is impossible to wear a mask all the time — anger has tremendous energy and will surely break out. A person will either get sick and “break down”, or do something extremely unpleasant.
For the first time I met a man from whom so much malice oozed, so much suppressed anger broke out. Coming home from work and not drinking beer — the evening was not a success! He endured so much that it seemed to me: a little more — and a new Raskolnikov will appear. Only the basis for the murder will not be moral reasoning: “Can I?”, But “Hands have been itching for a long time!”.
The friend didn’t say much about her husband, but all they could find out was domestic violence. The father beat until the blood, until the guy left the house. Then I thought that, probably, no one suspected his father of fierce hatred of others.
With a friend, we walked with the children and just went to visit each other. Once she shared that her husband was against our gatherings. “Well,” I suggested, “come without your husband.” She nodded in response, and then stopped calling back, going for walks with me. Gone. Ten years later, I accidentally met a friend on the street. She left her husband — he beat him, and even his father was afraid of him.
Compliance as a means of adaptation is the most imperfect of all. It protects from anger and rejection by other people, like a shield from pain. The consciousness of my acquaintance has chosen the oldest method of self-preservation — it has “glued together” with the image of a sadistic parent.
But this method of disguise did not help: people were annoyed and, no matter how he tried to hide his true attitude towards them, they felt something was wrong. Hatred and anger broke out, tearing off the mask of ostentatious friendliness.
Accidentally or intentionally, offensive banter, jokes, malicious ridicule slipped into the speech, and sometimes forgetfulness in an important matter was manifested, which went sideways for others.
Compliance as a sign of personality suppression
Another interesting phenomenon of obsequiousness I observed in co-dependent people, with the consequences of psychological abuse, trauma of humiliation and rejection.
— Can I sit here? a middle-aged woman asks hastily and embarrassedly, in a thin voice, sitting down on the edge of the sofa.
— Oh sure! No matter how friendly my tone is, I can see that she is afraid.
— Can I add some sugar? — as if the sugar were in a cupboard under lock and key.
— Of course, please!
“Can I have one more sugar?” Oops, some unsweetened sugar turned out to be! — shows on his fingers that he wants to take only one crystal.
Yes, at least five! I cheer and smile.
One gets the impression that someone took and chopped off the adult part of such people with a garden pick. Grown up children live like shadows among the frightening colossi of psychologically grown people. Depressed and frightened, they are afraid and shy away from all malice and injustice.
Smart, kind, altruistic, but not free from the past. They are not on purpose, they themselves do not like their fears, they suffer and suffer, they fight with themselves every day. Some tragedy split them in two, glued their consciousness to early childhood. This is how children perceive adults in childhood. An adult is powerful and invincible, and a child is dependent and weak, always asking, wanting something and not receiving it. If a teenager is able to stand up for himself, take, get, cope, then the child cannot do it.
Everyone has a past that cannot be chosen or corrected, you can only come to terms with it and create yourself anew.
Fixation on trauma seems to stop, freeze the development of the adult part. Out of habit, for the sake of their own security, which was undermined, they used to live as if the threat still hangs over their heads. They come and complain to themselves:
— I found your phone a year (two, three) ago! I was just afraid to go! And suddenly condemn, do not understand?
It’s good that they came! Everyone has a past that cannot be chosen or corrected — you can only come to terms with it and create yourself anew. Go through the memories bit by bit and learn to take care of yourself, like yourself. Live for yourself. Who, if not you yourself, will think about you and for you?
How to do it? First of all, believe in yourself and your abilities. Take responsibility for your own safety and personal well-being. This is enough to get started. And then learn to trust yourself. Who knows better than you what suits you and what doesn’t?
Compliance is a psychological defense against anger and rejection by others. This is not a sincere reaction, not a manifestation of good breeding. This is not even a manifestation of empathy, compassion, but a defense mechanism. The world has changed a long time ago, child-parent relationships are a thing of the past, you need to act like an adult, but a person cannot. The adult part of the personality «sleeps», is inactive.
How to deal with complaisance?
1. Keep a diary. Write down situations where this form of behavior occurs. Describe thoughts and feelings. How do you determine that this person needs to be protected in this way? What is causing you to behave like this? Do you behave this way with all people?
Journaling is a special form of self-observation that increases self-awareness and self-discipline. Without self-information, there is and will not be self-regulation.
2. Draw up your «declaration of human rights.» Develop rules for your life. Compose the text of auto-training. Words can be, for example, such: «I have the right to live, defend my interests, feel comfortable and choose …»
3. Carry out auto-training every day. Therapy is impossible without daily auto-training, no matter how it is called in one or another psychotherapeutic direction. Make a list of phrases that will support you in critical or stressful moments, and repeat them to yourself. For example: «I have the right … I can … I feel good when I say no to what does not suit me.» Take the rules from your “declaration” as the basis for the auto-training text.
4. Reward yourself every time you were able to defend your rights and opinion. Think about what will be a reward for you personally, and give it to yourself. Celebrate every small victory, small step and success in overcoming neurosis.
If you can’t cope on your own and feel that you don’t have enough strength to change your own psyche, don’t expect it to “pass by itself”: you can live like this for twenty or forty years. Do not hesitate, sign up for a consultation with a specialist — a psychologist or psychotherapist.