Pictures of an ideal life on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia), posts on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) about traveling around the world, friends’ stories about a new startup, career successes of colleagues. By observing the lives of others, we compare what we see with what we have. Such a comparison is not helpful — it often destroys us. Psychotherapist John Harrison explains why.
The tendency to compare is as old as mankind. We all sin with this. To find reasons, you don’t have to go far, just go to social networks, look at neighbors, relatives or friends. It may seem that the comparison is based on a healthy competitive spirit, but it is not. When we look around, we see only what is missing and what we have not succeeded in.
What We Don’t Notice
There will always be those who have achieved more or less than us, but we forget this when we see photos of the family, their home and travels on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia). We are fascinated by the illusion of perfection, but we miss the main thing, we don’t see someone else’s pain, worries, depression and losses, we don’t notice the sacrifices that people made to get what they want.
If someone has had a brilliant career, we don’t think about the thousands of hours they put in at work. If someone has built a successful business, we don’t think about the years of struggle they had to endure, the rejections they got and the failed attempts they made. We prefer to see only beautiful pictures.
Price comparison
When I started working for myself, it was easy for me to focus on desires. I wanted to choose where and when to work, increase my income and be my own boss. But soon I began to compare my business with other people’s companies. It seemed to me that they achieved everything and got what I wanted. Then doubts began to creep into my soul. I felt like I wasn’t up to par. This is the trap of the comparison game: you are always the loser. You don’t have what you want, and you take it as a sign that something is wrong with you. You scroll through negative thoughts in your head and get stuck in them, focusing on what is not there. In such a state, it is impossible to be happy.
What is important to you
We make most decisions to get what we want. We crave money, success, status and love. We think it will make life better. Clients often say they cannot figure out why they are unhappy. From the outside it looks like they have everything. A colleague once told me how she worked with a multi-billionaire client. He was exhausted, depressed because the need forced him to sell one of the 12 oil tankers. Some never get enough.
Think about what is important to you, fills life with joy and satisfaction. Health, family, money, security? Maybe you have everything you need?
How to stop comparing
Life gives us opportunities to see what we have. Sad events often become a catalyst: the loss of a loved one, health problems, a stock market crash, a divorce. At such moments, perception becomes clearer. But what’s stopping you from being grateful now? Why do we need to experience bad things in order to appreciate what we have? Many have more than we do, but some would give anything to live our lives. What are we chasing, why are we focusing on the lack of something? If we learn to see beyond pictures from Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia), we will understand: no one has succeeded in everything.
Intentionally focus on what gives you joy, live in the present moment. Spend time with those you love. Do what ignites you. Don’t expect your next big achievement to give you a sense of success and fulfillment. Don’t waste time comparing your life to someone else’s. You will never become another person. The choice is yours: chase the illusions or wake up and realize that you already have everything you need.