Count how many conflictogens Carl allows in a conversation with a pastor. The pastor may not be the most decent person, but he is much more well-mannered.
download video
Analysis of Munchausen’s conflict genes.
download video
Communicative conflictogens are words, phrases, intonations and other small moments in communication that create tension in a conversation and provoke a conflict. As a rule, everything that goes beyond the expected and acceptable style of communication turns out to be a communicative conflict generator.
In order to prevent conflictogens, it is useful to know them “by sight”. Even seemingly educated people in a conversation, in a fit of emotion, often allow (and do not notice) harshness, disrespect for the interlocutor or a position of superiority.
The most common conflictogens are objections, categoricalness, a harsh and aggressive tone, negative assessments and an appeal to a topic that is unpleasant for the interlocutor. Disputes on painful topics are launched by us only because we do not think why we are now saying this or that, we do not try on how it will be perceived by the interlocutor. So, typical conflictogens of this circle:
No. You’re wrong. What are you? Nothing like this! I explain. What if you think? Actually… Now more… Nonsense.
The most offensive are personal criticism in front of outsiders, reproaches, claims, accusations, pressures and prohibitions. All this is allowed if there is no task to protect the interlocutor, if the task is all the more to hit him on sore points and forcefully force him to one or another. If next to you is someone who is dear to you in any way, remove the speed:
What kind of crap?! Because of you… Stop it! Stop immediately.
The most obvious conflictogens are bullshit, increased accusations and simply unaddressed negativity. Most often, this flies out of people on the principle of “nothing personal”: this applies to others to a small extent, it is mainly anger and negativity that lives in the soul of the one who swears. So:
Turn on your head. You got me, leave me alone … Your head is cracking. Again! As always, forever you. As usual, because of you. Oh my God! Well, why?! .. All sorts of idiots, crap, bastards …
The most hidden conflictogens — so natural, least visible from the inside to the one who speaks and clearly visible from the outside to the one who listens — these are turns expressing a position of superiority.
You see… you understand… How can I explain this to you… Obviously… I don’t understand why you…
A variation on the position of superiority is morality reading: telling what a person knows well without you, such as «Things must be put in their place!» and boredom next to him, indifference to him (to what is interesting and important for him).
Come on! Oh, God, how tired I am of this … Listen, I’m busy now, let’s do something next time (if this next time is repeated many times).
The most unexpected of the conflictogens are humor for a partner and excuses.
Humor on a partner usually amuses everyone, except for the one to whom it is directed, and excuses are annoying because no one needs them, except for the one who makes excuses.
In a conversation with the head of conflictogens, the wording “I believe” and “I think” will be more appropriate, “I think” and “In my opinion” will be more appropriate. Interestingly, in a business conversation, the phrases “I am surprised”, “I was offended”, “I was upset because of you” and, in principle, talk about their feelings turn out to be conflictogenic.
Talking about your feelings, which is appropriate in a personal communication, usually turns out to be inappropriate in a business context.