Cohabitation with partner’s children

1. Eliminate Noah’s Ark

In a new family, there is a risk of succumbing to the “dream of Noah’s Ark.” It lies in the desire to gather children from previous marriages under one roof too early and form a new, ideal family. In reality, children need to be given time to get used to the idea of ​​starting a new family.

Situation: She had two children from a previous marriage, he had three. Shortly after the meeting, he decided to rent a minivan for the holidays and go on a trip with the whole family. There was no end to the arguments. The children did not feel the slightest sympathy for each other. And for this, I must say, they had no reason.

“On their return, they broke up, deciding that the problem was in their relationship,” says Robert Neuburger. “In fact, it was a parental problem: no one was able to properly build relationships with the partner’s children, and their own children did not meet halfway because of loyalty to the past.”

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2. Distinguish between a couple and a family

You can alternate between being a couple with a new partner and living together with your children if they live alternately with both parents. If everyone lives under the same roof, and this happens quite often, it is important to find time for only two. This is the survival foundation that every couple in love needs.

Situation: A woman decides to make her beloved a surprise – a candlelit dinner in a restaurant. In the evening, when she informs the children about this, they – two of her and one of him – declare that today they need mom and dad more than ever. The adults cancel the romantic dinner, telling themselves they won’t enjoy it anyway, knowing the kids aren’t happy.

“There is no need to improvise in this case,” warns Robert Neuburger. – It is better to choose one evening a week in which lovers will plan something just for themselves. Otherwise, they will not be able to find time and place to retire.

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3. Provide time for communication with children

It is dangerous to “mix” your own and other people’s children all the time. Children need to communicate with their parent without the participation of his new partner. Sometimes they need to see their parents together, for example during a walk. New partners must agree to separate from time to time in order to devote this time to their children.

Situation: The mother’s new partner did not tolerate her regular Saturday “going out” with her seven-year-old daughter: the two of them went shopping, to the circus, or just walked. He did not have children, he did not understand such an intimate pastime and was even a little jealous. Until one Saturday night, the little girl said to him upon her return: “On Saturdays, I feel like before, when my mother and I lived alone. We have plenty of time to tell each other everything. But when we get home, I’m glad to give it back to you.”

“Adults often forget that children are nostalgic when they lived with one of their parents after their divorce,” explains Robert Neuburger. – A child is more likely to agree to accept a new partner if he has the opportunity to regularly communicate with his father or mother one on one. The new partner will only benefit from this.”

4. Distribute educational roles

All adults have a sense of responsibility for raising children. Until quite recently, anyone allowed himself to make remarks to naughty unfamiliar children on the street. Adults who live under the same roof with their own and other people’s children should both become educators. And they need to come to an agreement among themselves.

Situation: She has two children. The eldest son is 15 years old. He spends every evening in front of the TV and does not go to bed until one in the morning. She asks her partner to intervene in the situation. What he does, and with all severity. But suddenly she finds him too rude and begins to protect her son. All this ends with a quarrel between partners.

“The problem is that both partners did not react independently, as the woman asked for help from her companion,” comments Robert Neuburger. – The ideal option is when each adult acts, listening to his conscience and soul, in accordance with his ideas about education, and the other does not allow himself to challenge his actions. Imagine what kind of behavior model can be formed in a child when an adult living with him allows everything and does not set certain limits of behavior. But legal parents should remain the main decision-makers in life, especially those related to education.”