codependence

Codependency is the behavior of close people, subordinate to the life and actions of another dependent person: an alcoholic, a gamer or a drug addict. In a mild version — hypochondriac.

This is similar to the relationship between a mother and a child, when she cannot separate herself from him: “we peed”, “we pooped”, “it hurts us”, when a person thinks about something else all the time (“how is he there”), lives with his problems («it will come — it will not come»), when a person forgets about his life, trying to save the one who goes to the bottom.

Important: codependency is the life of the weak, not the heroes. Those who really save, doctors and rescuers, are not codependent. They provide qualified assistance, but they are not attached to anyone with pity. They have their own, quite high-quality, life. Codependents do not have their own quality life.

Codependency is the life of those who have given up to the alcoholism or drug addiction of their loved ones — husbands and sons, and now, in fact, are reaching for them with a rope, hiding behind the hope «I’m trying to save them.» Codependency is dependence on those who are addicted to vodka, gambling and drugs. Codependency eats a person like rust, and this is not a heavy cross, but the same disease as alcoholism, gambling and drug addiction. Need to be treated.

Codependency is a way of life based on a certain way of thinking that is characteristic of the Russian mentality. Namely, the following formulaic, ill-conceived beliefs are usually behind codependency:

• «Neighbors need help»

Of course, but help can only be for those people who do something themselves. If you solve problems for another person, pay his debts for him — despite the fact that the person himself does nothing for this — this is not help. This is not help, but accustoming to irresponsible behavior.

• “A person cannot be left in trouble”

These beautiful words are deciphered as «Take care of those who have already given up on themselves», or even «Support a person in his destruction of himself.» A person cannot be left in trouble if he is a person, and not someone who is already beyond him. Understand that if a woman abandons her healthy children and her job that people need in order to save a drug addict who has already lost his human form — she is not a savior, but a traitor: she betrays the healthy. This is unforgivable stupidity.

• «A person can always be reached»

Codependents believe that words can make a difference. They talk, they convince, they believe alcoholics and drug addicts — those who no longer believe in themselves and often openly laugh at them. They lie to them, and co-dependents give them their last money.

• «True love endures everything»

Yes. Only here you have not love, but fear of what they will think about you. They will think that you are bad parents, that you are a callous person, that you are not a person at all. And while you are afraid of this and think about yourself, you are destroying another person with your actions.

Codependency does not appear immediately and only for those who have the prerequisites for this. Behind codependency is often fear:

• Fear «I’m afraid of a scandal.» An addict for the sake of drugs or alcohol can easily make a terrible scandal, sometimes in public, and many are afraid of this.
• Fear «What will happen to him if I don’t meet him?» He will jump out of the window, freeze on the street and so on. Those who are afraid of this are just getting it — because their actions directly lead to this. But it is important for a co-dependent to remain beautiful: “Here, I cared to the last! I didn’t leave him!»
• Fear «I’m afraid to be alone.» As long as there is an addict, the codependent has something to do: take care, worry, worry. He has a life and a favorite toy. And if the addict quits, with whom will the person deal? Life becomes empty… Therefore, many older people (codependents) will never go for something drastic, they simply do not need it.
• Fear of living your life. It is not clear how, it is not clear where … Co-dependents are people who have chosen not to live, therefore, they have taken on someone else’s life.

Psychological help for codependents is usually ineffective. Empty business. Codependents are quite ready to get together with a psychologist and discuss the problems that arise in their lives. At the same time, the psychologist must understand that he is simply entering into their game, that he was taken not to the role of a commander, whom they will obey in order to get out of the hole, but to the role of an understanding interlocutor, with whom they will now comfortably meet on a schedule and talk. It is clear that no one intends to recover here: why would they lose such a sincere company?

Once upon a time, rarely, a person who has not yet completely descended into a co-dependent person can realize something and return to the ranks of people. Codependents will become reasonable people when they realize that:

1. Addiction is a disease that, at a certain stage, is treated only in a hospital and with drugs, and not with home remedies.
2. Addiction cannot be cured with words. More precisely, it is treated only at very early stages or with the words of very powerful people. Not yours.
3. Getting rid of addiction is not always possible. Sometimes it is no longer curable, and you just need to accept it as a fact. Everyone was late, the person is no longer there, only the skin remains.
4. Only an independent person who can live on his own, alone, without another and others, can get rid of addiction. If you yourself are in dependence and sick attachment, you need to be treated first.
5. To get rid of addiction, if possible, can only be a strong and qualified person, a specialist. You can become such a specialist, but it needs to be learned. In any case, be prepared for the fact that kind conversations about feelings do not work here (rarely work, only in the early stages). It will be rather behavioral methods of influence, and sometimes the impact is harsh. If you are accustomed only to beautiful, soft and pity people, you are not here. This is surgery, not therapy.
6. To get rid of addiction, you must learn to give clear instructions. Command. Command and do. Send, lock, hold, force and so on. Trainers know how to do this, they solve such situations. Ready to learn it? See →