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Each of us has a positive beginning – it can become a source of our strength, teach us how to cope with problems and understand other people. Psychologist Alexander Orlov talks about the method of client-centered therapy.
People are by nature kind and free. In each of us there is a desire to do good deeds and develop our potential, but it is revealed only through special relationships with other people – trusting and accepting. So thought one of the founders of humanistic psychology, an outstanding American psychologist and psychotherapist Carl Rogers (Carl Rogers). He was the first to draw attention not to the origins of problems or the behavior of those who came to him for help, but to the real feelings of a person, in particular, to his need for understanding. Rogers formulated the foundations of the client-centered approach to psychotherapy, which since the 1960s of the last century has become the second most popular in the world after psychoanalysis. He insisted: this method is not a scientific theory, but a special vital principle. It can be used by anyone who wants to understand what exactly makes him do certain actions, as well as learn to accept the actions and feelings of others.
Just be yourself
For many centuries, religious and secular thinkers have argued that a person is born lazy and incurious, uncontrollable and immoral. From this the obvious conclusion suggested itself: a person must be completely controlled, forcing him to mechanically adopt the rules of behavior and way of thinking from parents and other mentors. Fearing punishment, from childhood we learn to present only our “positive” side to others: a pleasant facial expression, kind words, good mood, self-confidence.
About the Developer
Alexander Orlov – Doctor of Psychology, Director of the Institute of Practical Psychology of the State University – Higher School of Economics, author of the book “Psychology of Personality and the Essence of Man” (Academy, 2002).
Weakness, irritation, anger are usually restrained and hidden. Thus, we ourselves drive ourselves into a situation where others accept us selectively, half-heartedly, and our external and internal values come into conflict, taking away the joy of life, strength and health. “For a long time I thought that my closest work colleagues were simply not able to communicate without swear words,” says 26-year-old Nikolai. – This is not my style at all, but I was silent – I did not want to seem like a hypocrite or become an outcast. But at some point, I suddenly realized that I didn’t have to endure it at all. The very next day I told them that it was unpleasant for me to listen to all this. To my amazement, they stopped cursing, at least in my presence.”
Read more:
- Client Centered Therapy
Exercise “Listen and understand”
Rate how well you understand other people. When an argument arises among your family or in a small group of your friends, stop the discussion. Suggest a rule that everyone can answer only after they accurately retell the thoughts and feelings uttered by the one who spoke earlier. At the same time, the interlocutor must admit that he was understood correctly. Everything seems simple, but after trying this exercise, you will surely see that this is one of the most difficult tasks. Gradually, over and over again trying to understand what the other person really meant and felt, you will be able to stand on his point of view, and your own ideas about the interlocutor will change significantly. Differences between people are always removed in the process of understanding.
Read more:
- How to worry about others?
Every day in each of us there are conflicts between our true desires and the demands of society. The outcome of these clashes depends on how we are able to be faithful to our deepest sense of self, in other words, whether we have access to the main source of our strength – a positive principle that gives us the ability to creatively transform the world. We can discover a positive beginning in ourselves and help others in this if we learn to accept others without judgment, sincerely empathize with their feelings, and honestly express our own. Rogers believed that every person, regardless of their attitude to psychology, has innate therapeutic abilities. He described the ideal image of a “fully functioning person” – free and responsible, realizing his abilities based not on imposed beliefs, but on natural, universal human values. Such a person manages to successfully adapt to the external requirements of society, without changing himself – a free, growing and developing personality.
Three principles of Carl Rogers
They underlie the method of client-centered therapy and give us the opportunity to understand what exactly at the moment of communication with us other people feel and experience.
Unconditional, unconditional acceptance
The ability to respond to the emotional manifestations of a person, his actions, without judging them. This is a sincere attitude towards another as an equal to himself and having the right to be what he is.
Empathy
The ability to accurately perceive the feelings of other people and empathize with them, understand and accept them, even if you yourself act differently. Empathy is also called “emotional responsiveness”.
Congruence
Genuine, honest and open experience of one’s own feelings, sincere self-expression in communication with another person.
There are no bad people
Refusal to focus on external norms does not at all speak of selfishness or asociality: it is only about the true freedom of internal choice. Definitely bad, selfish people do not exist – there are only those who manifest their positive beginning in a distorted way. Every person is worthy of respect already on the basis that he is a person, said Carl Rogers. What we think of as malicious intent, he explained, is really just positive intent in a perverted form. Once a scientist was asked how Hitler could grow out of an ordinary European boy. He answered: this child (and after him, and many, many others) was not lucky – on his life path he did not meet a single person who was able to accept and understand him.
Stages of work
The client-centered approach is called “non-directive”: it does not direct anyone, does not direct anything, does not force anything. The concepts of norm and pathology, illness and cure, diagnosis and symptom are not used here. The therapist will accept without judgment whatever the client says.
The therapy takes place in the form of a dialogue. The client himself determines what issues are relevant for him now, and the therapist helps him in the study and expression of his feelings, images, fantasies. Listening and answering, he is completely focused on the client: the very presence of an attentive, understanding interlocutor helps a person cope with fear and despair, instills self-confidence. As a result of therapy, the participant comes to a feeling of freedom and fullness of life with all its joys and difficulties.
Usually 6-10 hour sessions are enough with a frequency of once or twice a week, but even one session can give noticeable results. The cost of the meeting is from 30 to 100 USD.
Most often, we do bad deeds because others do not want to accept us as we are, suppress and ignore our emotions, trying to remake us in their own way. For example, teenagers often begin to be rude, fight, steal when they feel that by themselves, with their emotions and desires, their parents are not interested and try to attract attention from them, even in the form of irritation and hatred. The influence of other people can distort the harmonious natural design, but at the heart of the behavior of any person, Rogers believes, there is still a desire to be understood and accepted.
Diagnosis: human
“I always wanted to be a democratic mother, let my daughter go out late, spend the night with friends,” says 35-year-old Anna. But our relationship remained strained. It was only while working with a psychotherapist that I realized that it was precisely this freedom of hers that was the source of my spiritual discomfort. After all, my parents kept me in strictness. Realizing this, I was able to tell my daughter about my feelings. We discussed what was happening between us, agreed on a few family rules, and now it’s like both of us have matured a little, began to treat each other with more respect. ”
Exercise “Line of my life”
Try to relive the significant moments of your life, to realize and express the feelings caused by them. Draw a ladder on a piece of paper, each step of which will indicate one of the important events in your life – from birth to the present moment. Ask yourself the question: “Where am I at right now?” Mentally “walk” up the steps, experiencing the events you noted and watching what feelings you experience while doing so. Ask other questions: “How am I aware of myself in the context of all past life history? What will be the next stage of my life? You can share the emotions evoked by memories with others. And if, say, you feel like laughing, crying, or hitting the table with your fist, do not restrain yourself – the goal of the exercise is to fully, sincerely experience feelings.
No matter how idealistic the scientist’s statement about the positive nature of man may seem, many years of practicing the client-centered approach have confirmed its truth and power. Rogers worked with very different people: children who were abused by adults, former military men, patients in psychiatric clinics, school teachers … At one of the seminars, after demonstrating work with a client, the scientist was asked: “What diagnosis would you make?” Rogers replied, “Man.”
Who needs it
A client-centered approach helps those who are tired of being alone and do not find understanding from other people who lack empathy, participation and warmth. Therefore, it can be applied in almost all areas where we need mutual understanding. Unconditional acceptance of another, empathy for him, openness to his feelings contribute to the successful course of negotiations, and the treatment of neuroses, and the resolution of social conflicts.
About it
- Carl Rogers and his followers. Cogito Center, 2005.
- Carl Rogers. A look at psychotherapy. The formation of man. Progress, Univers, 1994.
- Carl Rogers. The art of counseling and therapy. April-Press, Eksmo, 2002.