How often, plunging headlong into a new relationship, we forget about ourselves, our hobbies or those with whom we are used to communicating. After a while, we would be happy to restore old connections or sign up for dancing again, but we are afraid to offend our partner. After all, if we are a couple, then everything should be done together! About why this statement is far from the truth, the cognitive-behavioral psychologist argues.
Few of us seriously think about the question “Why do I need a partner?”. No seriously! For what? Try to answer honestly, and you will understand that you have exactly the partner you dreamed about.
Misunderstanding leads to incorrect interaction with a partner — to an unhealthy relationship. And in order to change them, you first need to realize what exactly is wrong.
Imagine yourself, your personality, in the form of an imaginary circle. We interact with the world, communicate with people, change under their influence, but at the same time we preserve the boundaries of our circle, our identity, ourselves.
Now imagine that you met a person whose imaginary circumference completely swallowed yours. What is left of our personality? What is left of us? Many romanticize the expression «I dissolved in it!» or “She is my Universe!”. But in practice, such statements only indicate a strong emotional dependence on a partner.
If we talk about healthy relationships, where each of the partners is in the position of an adult (logical, rational, reasonable, independent), then it becomes clear: each person needs his own, personal social circle, his hobbies and activities. And also has every right to «be alone.»
Why is it important? Because all this makes us — us
Constant service to the needs of a partner, the fulfillment of his desires and ignoring our own do not give our personality a sense of integrity.
If we meet on our way the one with whom we want to spend the rest of the years, this does not mean at all that we should exclude from our lives everything that was before him. This also does not mean that in our future life we have no prospects for new acquaintances and hobbies. What will we become, refusing after the wedding from everything that filled our personality? Why do we need such a relationship at all? And if they are, what’s the point of them? And most importantly — how to be happy in such a relationship?
Many of us live by the principle «married / married = lost (a) freedom.» But do we really choose a partner in order to lose freedom, constantly limit each other and interfere with enjoying life? I’m sure many will disagree with this. And so, we return to the question that I spoke about at the beginning: “Why do I need a partner?”. The chances of a long, and most importantly, happy family life increase significantly if your understanding of the meaning of the relationship coincides with the opinion of your chosen one or chosen one.
If your partner does not yet understand the importance of personal space for you, then you should not swear and sort things out.
Try to resort to “Socratic questions” — a method of conducting a dialogue in which, instead of arguing and arguing, we ask such questions, answering which the interlocutor himself comes to the conclusion we need. It is better to start such a dialogue like this: “Dear (s), what do you think, what is the meaning of our relationship? What are they for?
Over the years, we change, our relationships and priorities in family life change. That is why it is necessary to periodically «check the compass» with a partner, clarifying whether you continue to move in the same direction. With whom we should be and how to build relationships is our internal choice, and we should not allow anyone to turn a “choice” into a “duty”.
In practice, I often have to deal with the problem of jealousy on the part of one partner, when the other has his own social circle, his own interests and hobbies. That is, your personal life.
Jealousy is a behavioral reaction to the fear of losing the love and respect of a loved one, losing his attention, losing him, in the end. Therefore, if you understand that jealousy on the part of a partner is just and that he really does not receive the necessary attention from you, then your “family” and “personal” should be balanced.
If you realize that such jealousy is irrational, then you should help (on your own or with the help of a specialist) your partner to question his incorrect beliefs and attitudes that determine such behavior. And develop alternative thinking. That is, to look at the situation differently and understand that it is not frightening in order to react to it with jealousy.