Christophe André: «How I practice happiness»

“Contrary to what my readers sometimes think, I am far from a lucky person by nature. That’s why this topic interests me so much! So, I wasn’t particularly gifted, but I’ve come a long way: I’ve been making a conscious effort over the years, and my brain is constantly on guard, noticing how people make themselves happy or unhappy—much in spite of what’s going on. in their lives. It is about these efforts, both mine and other people’s, given easily or with pain, but always bearing fruit, that I wanted to tell in the book.¹ Here I present to you some of my impressions and beliefs that have seriously influenced me or helped me.

1. Wonderful author!

It always confuses me when it seems to me that they take me for a sage. On the one hand, this is normal: when we like the way an author writes, we often tend to idealize him, to imagine that this person is not like everyone else, that in everyday life he feels just as subtle and as insightful as in their books. I wouldn’t like to generalize, since I don’t know all the writers in the world, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m not. Christian Boben was absolutely right when he said the following: «The person they talk about when they talk about my books does not exist.»² Writers, of course, are not perfect: even those who, like me, write about meditation get nervous; even those who compose splendid and lofty verses are also thinking of how to pay their taxes. Writers put in the same effort as you, the reader, to develop and get closer to their ideal. Perhaps sometimes, in certain areas, they are a little ahead. Perhaps they are putting more effort into it and this is what they want to talk about in their works. Admiration and honor should not blind us: here, as elsewhere, the basic principle of positive psychology works — a close interweaving of light and dark, successful and imperfect. This is what makes life—and psychology—so interesting.

2. Zucchini casserole

It was with relatives, they invited us to visit, along with other friends and relatives, in their house in the mountains. We arrive late in the evening, and the relative who invited us quickly prepares dinner for us from what she finds in the kitchen — very nice of her. “Look, there is a squash gratin. Does anyone want? Not? Christoph, do you like vegetables, would you like some? Not? Okay, then I’ll throw it out right now., it has been lying in the refrigerator for several days … ”I laugh, and only after a few seconds she understands why, and then she laughs too, a little embarrassed, but nothing more: she is like that, my relative, spontaneous and, as they say, direct. And also very cute. Of course, it’s not like she’s deliberately built this whole sequence in her head: “One: I want to throw this away. Two: while I’m trying — what if? — someone to attach it. Three: if no one wants it, I’ll throw it away.»

• Do I have a right to happiness?

Of course, it was more like this: “One: look, there is some gratin left. Two: maybe someone will eat it? Three: okay, no one wants it, so I guess it’ll just stay in the fridge. Four: let me throw it away…” But after the meal, when everyone is chatting by the fireplace, I return in my thoughts to this little incident: how thin the line between awkwardness and resentment is. I did not get angry, but cheered up, because I love my relative very much and I know that she also loves me very much. Without this conviction, the gratin story could have turned out much worse. That is why understanding the context and an impartial view are simply necessary for a good psychological «digestion» of life events. And that’s why, by the way, we are interested in going through life in the best mood available to us: all research shows that it is precisely this positive attitude that most effectively gives us this opportunity for detached assessment and understanding in context. Much more effective than a bad mood.

3. Mantras

This term, meaning a protective thought-form, comes from the Sanskrit manas, meaning «spirit,» and tra, meaning «protection.» Thus, a mantra is a formula aimed at protecting our spirit. In positive psychology, we can pay attention to how we are used to talking to ourselves without being aware of it. We can also develop our own mantras, such as the quiet friendly encouragements we whisper to ourselves and cling to so that we don’t get too worried or discouraged.

One morning, when I was suffering under the onslaught of necessary chores at home and at work, I seized on this: “Do what you can, and don’t forget to be happy.” This has become my mantra ever since, and I remember it whenever stress and perfectionism try to get the better of me. I also have “Better Walking and Breathing Than Thinking” in reserve for the moments when my mind begins to describe circles around unsolvable problems. Or this: “Never give up without trying. But if you really try, always give yourself the right to refuse. Clearly, a slogan works best if it is realistic, appropriate, and we believe it makes sense. And if we can give ourselves time to relax and calm down, to really listen to him and resonate with his wisdom.

4. Metro

One day I was on the subway. There were a lot of people, I stood facing the glass door, pressed against my own reflection. And suddenly (there was nothing else to do) I really looked at myself: I looked like a funeral. Gloomy. And for no particular reason: yes, it was hot, I was driving to work, there were a lot of people, and almost everyone had the same funeral look. And yet: did I have real reasons to look so gloomy? No, none! Everything in my life was more or less good, no major problems. And what? Nothing, just carelessness.

I immediately remembered all the studies about smiles, about their benefits for myself and others. I tensed my cheek muscles a little and put on a slight smile on my face. Not too obvious so as not to cause inconvenience or disturbance to neighbors. Just a slight calm smile, with an absent-minded look, like a person thinking about a vacation, about loved ones or about something pleasant. Just to please yourself and contribute a little to improve the situation in the subway cars! You may not believe me, but this moment was a turning point for me: I think that since then I have been trying to learn a slight smile as a basic facial expression. It seems to me that this is to my advantage. You will be surprised how often strangers began to greet me on the streets!

5. Yacht

Sometimes I wish I had a yacht. It doesn’t happen very often, but when I’m walking along the quay of the port for pleasure boats in the summer. At such moments, I also want to drink an aperitif on the deck of my beautiful ship, at sunset, to the creaking of gear and the cool breath of a summer night. But it passes quickly. And it doesn’t hurt me. A few minutes of daydreaming in this rush to luxury satisfies me without leaving a bitter aftertaste. Envy the rich? First, let’s listen to Blessed Augustine: «You see perfectly well what the rich own, but you do not see what they lack.»

6. Pangs of joy

These words, which attracted my attention and activated my reflections, I read from Boben: «The pangs of joy are much stronger than the pangs of sadness.» I myself perfectly understand how one can suffer from joy, but it is very difficult for those of my relatives who can be considered true optimists to understand when I talk about such feelings. I understand Boben because I have a full set of worries about happiness: “This is over! How? When? Will some misfortune follow this, because, probably, I will have to pay for this happiness? All those who, like me, were not fortunate by nature (I am only a diligent student), are subject to similar torments. Well, let. I prefer them to the harshness of cynical and submissive pessimism. I’d rather be tormented by joy than be deprived of joy altogether!

7. Slowness

I feel strong when I do something fast and happy when I do it slowly. Therefore, I prefer not to rush.

¹ Ch. André “And don’t forget to be happy” (Odile Jacob, 2014).

² Christian Bobin is a French Christian writer. Born in 1951. Studied philosophy, gained fame thanks to the novel «Little One» (1993), dedicated to Francis of Assisi. The book “Everyone is Busy” was published in Russian (Monpress, 2001).