Who is better to turn to – a man or a woman? This is one of the first questions we ask ourselves when choosing a psychotherapist. Is it really important, or is the gender of the specialist irrelevant in this matter? Experts say.
Often, future patients ask themselves and those around them: “I have a conflict with my mother now, should I go for a consultation with a woman?”; “I am a woman. My personal life is a disaster, maybe a male psychotherapist can help me better?
The opinion of experts in the general case is reduced to the following: it does not matter. Do what you think is right. In therapy, only the professionalism of a specialist plays a role. “A psychologist is a professional in the first place, and a man or a woman in the fifth,” emphasizes Anna Varga, a systemic family psychotherapist.
And yet, the preferences of clients influence, if not the course of therapy, then the first step. “Even a waiter in a restaurant, some people prefer their own gender, while others prefer the opposite,” notes psychotherapist Viktor Kagan. – What to say about psychotherapy, which is based on the relationship between the therapist and the patient?
When the patient is already sitting in front of me, of course, I will not hear from him: “You know, I want to work with a female therapist.” If it’s important to him, he’s already made his choice before coming to me. I usually encounter these preferences when asking for advice about seeking psychotherapy. If a person does not talk about it, I always ask him myself before recommending someone.
However, the history of soul healing shows that the gender of the therapist can be an important factor in some cases.
Love at first sight
Let us turn to the origins of psychoanalysis. In 1880, Freud’s associate, the psychiatrist Joseph Breuer, saw a young patient, Bertha Pappenheim, known in the annals of psychoanalysis as Anna O.
She fell passionately in love with him, even to the point of an imaginary pregnancy. The scientist stopped the treatment and, in an attempt to regain his lost peace of mind, went on a trip to Venice with his wife, who became pregnant on this trip … Didn’t he fulfill Bertha’s desire in this way – even with another woman?
A few years later, Sigmund Freud, who was at the very beginning of his discoveries in the field of the unconscious, also began to be besieged by the patient. Freud, intrigued by these inexplicable love impulses, developed the theory of transference (transfer) – that special connection that is established between the patient and his psychotherapist.
Transference is the driving force of psychoanalysis: it returns to the patient those feelings and mental conflicts that he experienced as a child and which determine his adult life. The psychotherapist becomes for us the father, mother or ideal parent that we lacked: this past returns to our present.
Parallel to this, the psychoanalyst develops countertransference, which is expressed in emotional reactions and bodily sensations.
“I can, for example, realize that this man I am listening to has become a little girl for me,” says psychotherapist Diana Pellisolo, leader of a seminar on the influence of sexuality in psychotherapy. “This realization allows me to understand that my notorious patient is actually suffering from the fact that he is not the girl his mother wanted so much.”
Perhaps modern psychotherapists are simply in denial when they claim that their gender does not play a big role? Freud, in From the History of a Childhood Neurosis, notes that male patients tend to develop a hostile transference towards him. And he also adds that a male psychotherapist, when other men come to see him, runs the risk of facing the hatred that they felt for their father at the age of 5, in the phase of oedipal rivalry.
And in On Female Sexuality, he argues that female psychotherapists are more likely to induce negative transference in their patients. On the other hand, since they are more easily given the role of substitute mother, they are more likely to prompt their patients – both sexes – to remember the key moments of early childhood.
Questions for reflection
“To begin with, it makes sense to find out what the qualifications and specialization of the therapist are: where did he study, what methods he prefers, what problems does he work with, what reviews are given by his therapy, advises psychotherapist Viktor Kagan. – If the question arises about the gender of the therapist, it is useful to answer a few questions for yourself. How do I feel about seeing a therapist of this gender? For example, fear.
What exactly is scary? Why do I need a therapist of this gender? You can turn to the so-called “Descartes square”, answering 4 questions as specifically as possible:
- What happens if I go to a therapist of this gender?
- What happens if I don’t see a therapist for that gender?
- What won’t happen if I go to a therapist of that gender?
- What won’t happen if I don’t see a therapist for that gender?
seduction games
“Women psychotherapists admit that often patients take a rival line of behavior in dealing with them, begin to multiply sexual adventures in order to prove to themselves that they are more desirable than their psychologist,” says Diana Pellisolo. Many admit that their own femininity is more often questioned when they accept male clients. And sometimes they have to fight to keep the patient from starting a game of seduction or a show of power.”
As for male therapists, they explain that they sometimes turn down beautiful and seductive clients for fear of temptation. And that they can be thrown off balance by male patients who question their masculinity. However, a psychologist already in the course of education learns to be aware of his feelings.
“If a psychologist starts flirting with a client of the opposite sex and does not notice this, it only means that he is poorly trained,” Anna Varga is convinced. “If he notices that he is not hopeless, he can go to his supervisor,” that is, to a more experienced specialist who will help him sort out this case.”
Gender?
Our experts conclude that in therapy the gender of the therapist does not matter much, but the views and habits of the client influence his choice.
“It happens that a mother and son ask for help. There is no dad, but there are three grandmothers, says Anna Varga. – Everyone lives together. Here it is better if there is a male therapist, because the boy will get a chance to talk confidentially with the bearer of the male model of behavior. But it’s not so much about therapy, but about the expansion of life experience for the boy.
As for adult patients, their preferences may be consciously or unconsciously associated with relationships in the parental family.
“Someone is more comfortable in a soft supportive relationship, which is more often expected from a woman,” Viktor Kagan believes, “and someone, on the contrary, in a firm masculine style of communication is another matter that the anatomical gender of the therapist does not at all determine his style of communication. All these problems are mainly at the beginning of therapy, when the patient and therapist are just getting to know each other. Then, if the patient and the therapist develop what is called a “psychotherapeutic alliance”, it becomes not so important to specifically talk about it.
When we think about the question “male or female”, we have in mind the socio-cultural and psychological characteristics
“The old formula “either-or” – either masculine or feminine – has long been replaced by the formula “and-and,” emphasizes Viktor Kagan. – Both sexes have a combination of masculinity (masculinity) and femininity (femininity). And in the psychotherapist’s office, we are also waiting for specialists of different gender characteristics.
Here you go to a female psychotherapist, and who will find yourself in the office: Arina Rodionovna, the thin and fragile Asya of Turgenev, the Nekrasov woman who “stops a galloping horse” – who knows!
It seems that in order to make the right choice, we will have to abandon stereotypes and focus on our own experience. “At first I wanted to go to a male psychotherapist, because it seemed that it would be easier for me to communicate with him,” says 50-year-old Natalya. “And then I thought that if I want to learn how to overcome my difficulties, then I should start by turning to a woman. And this decision itself turned out to be very important for me.”
It is safe to say that therapy works better if the person is free to choose their therapist. But the emphasis here is rather on freedom of choice as such. The gender of the specialist plays a role, but it is impossible to determine in advance who – a man or a woman – will be better able to help us.
Paul is one of the tools
“I thought that I would never feel free with a man, that he would never be able to understand me – this is the other sex. Replacing two female psychologists, I came to a man. And it turns out no worse, ”admits 48-year-old Laura.
Although the quality of the therapeutic relationship plays a key role, psychotherapy is a technique, a skill. Being a psychotherapist is a profession. We can only say that the gender of the therapist will affect the course of therapy, our feelings, dreams and associative moves. But it also affects his personality. And also what theories he prefers, what approach. The technique or techniques that he uses.
Victor Kagan concludes: “I can’t say that I work equally with men and women—certainly not. Sex in a therapeutic relationship is an instrument that must be used, but it plays in a large orchestra and should not drown out other instruments.