“How to make him put away toys?”; “He doesn’t want anything, he doesn’t get carried away with anything!”; “How to limit the use of gadgets?”; “Catastrophe! The child is being expelled from school…” We went to a lecture by Dima Zitser to find out what topics parents are most concerned about and whether it is possible to learn not to take it out on children (spoiler: you can).
In the lecture hall “Direct Speech” in Ermolaevsky, a full house: separately mothers, separately fathers, married couples. Age – from 30 to 40-45. Pleasant intelligent faces, it is pleasant to exchange a couple of phrases with each, imperceptibly switching to “you”.
What, in fact, Dima does: he gets acquainted with everyone who asks a question, addresses him with “you” and by name. Not the most frequent technique at lectures, and the lecture is not like most others. This is not a monologue of an experienced speaker, but a dialogue, discussion, dispute, lively and rich. This is a little performance, a little show, stand-up.
– A few days ago I saw such a scene on the street – I’m sure you have seen this many times. A mother is walking with a four-year-old girl. The girl is eating some kind of bun, and suddenly this bun falls off her. And with my mother in front of my eyes there is a real seizure. She goes right in: “How many times have I told you?! ..” Just a few seconds ago, this mother was absolutely normal. Moreover, it seems to me that in a couple of minutes she will come to her senses and with bitterness in her voice will say something like: “Again I broke down …” Question: what happened to her?
It’s very vital. This is about each of us. And even if this didn’t happen to us specifically, we try to explain the mother’s behavior, each thinking to ourselves, about the situations that set the teeth on edge: unlearned lessons, mess in the room, so annoying slowness, lack of concentration and laziness …
– She broke down, because at that moment it “clicked”. The bun suddenly fell!
Well, the bomb didn’t fall! Not a brick.
– So maybe this is the tenth of the day!
“Maybe ten. But it’s funny, no?
It is difficult to agree with this. Because, having agreed that my mother was wrong, “went too far,” we have to admit that we, responsible and caring adults, can make mistakes.
– My favorite topic is about development: “We will develop them into a highly spiritual personality.” And so I lead the child to the circle – to develop. I drive, I do my parenting, and I’m late. And the child suddenly stops. I saw a butterfly and “stuck”. If we think for a second, we will understand: it is just at this moment that he is developing! He observes, compares, draws some conclusions … But I already see this very circle, into which I will take him. And everything that happens along the way completely destroys my plans …
You have to think, formulate answers. What is usually dismissed as obvious, in fact, simply requires from us an unusually large amount of effort, analysis unusual for us.
– You say: I want my son to be strong, courageous, strong-willed. What does it mean? Willful – what is it? “Like behind a stone wall” – how is it? The metaphor and richness of the Russian language is amazing, but let’s understand what exactly you mean and where your expectations come from.
Dima’s lecture is very funny. Bringing the situation to the point of absurdity, he helps to understand the main thing.
How to make him clean toys?
– Why should he do it?
– Well, because it is customary in our family! There must be order, things must lie in the closet.
“He doesn’t tell you yet how your underwear should be laid?”
– He?! Not! I decide myself…
– Why do you decide? In your family, it is customary to bring this up for general discussion. So tell me, how do you teach him not to make a farce in your bedroom?
– Do not make a farce at your place …
– No! Do not arrange a farce in his room!
– Him?!
– What do you think, these are not equal situations? How to teach a child what space is? Give him your territory. By touching his things, I teach him that there is no personal space. I teach him that a strong man can actually do anything to you, and you must obey.
The lecture not only provides answers to the question “why?” – or rather, it does not give, but allows them to reach it themselves – but it also helps to understand what to do.
– The reaction that we give out when we break down on children has been calculated somewhere. From parents, from aunts, uncles. At the moment when the bar “falls”, something happens to us, and this “something” is always physical. We catch our breath, we clench our fists. But if we learn to notice it, we can do something with it, for example, open our fists or take a breath. And then a miracle will happen. And most importantly – our breakdowns are most often not related to the behavior of children at all, it only serves as a trigger.
It turns out that everything that happens is not only about children. This is about us, adults, and it makes us look at familiar things in a new way.
– For a child, it is not obvious either about toys, or about cleaning, or about the regime, why he or she needs it. We need to make it obvious and important to them.
Break the rules? Unthinkable. Let everything go by itself? It is scary that the child will get out of hand, drop out of school or fail the exam.
– At the age of 13-14, a person at school is “complete seams”, his first love did not work out, he or she considers himself the most ugly in the world, it didn’t work out on the street … He should have at least one place where they don’t get him and where he is at home. This place is called “rear”. And your task is to provide him with this rear.
To provide a rear, to accept your child, to be on his side, regardless of age, but at the same time not to impose your own conditions, based on the position of superiority and seniority? Is it possible?
How to make him sit at the computer less?
– The most important thing is to understand what childhood with a tablet is. Go to his territory and live there for a while. Play a tablet, play video games – what does he play there? And then, as the great ones say, “treat like with like.” That is?
We need to find something more interesting.
– For whom?
– For a child.
— Think.
– For yourself?..
– Certainly! Do you want your child to do something? Sit down, take a sheet of paper and answer honestly to yourself the question, what interests you, what would you like to do, and do it. How can I set an example for a child of what an addicted person is? Be an engaging person. If he “freezes” in his tablet, and you sit next to him and selflessly catch fish, one after another, he will “get hooked”. I am not kidding. The same is done by dad or mom, each of which is a whole world for a child up to a certain age. Get involved – that’s all.
Yes, most likely, these are not at all the answers that most parents came for. But maybe the questions are not the same? Perhaps the most important thing is to really understand about this bun, to each about his own, and stop “flying off the coils”, breaking down on children for most often harmless reasons.
How? Unclenching our fists, inhaling deeply and doing what is interesting and pleasant for ourselves.
About expert
Dima Zicer — Doctor of Pedagogy, Director of the Institute of Informal Education , author of the book “Freedom from Education”. You can listen to his lectures for parents and children in the lecture hall .