Children: why is it difficult for us to cope with them?

We remember our own childhood

Today we don’t tell children: “You will do it because I said!” – and we try not to use directive methods of education, once tested on ourselves.

“In the XNUMXth century, parents faced issues of survival and safety: the main thing is that the child is healthy, well-fed, dressed and shod,” reflects Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – Personal boundaries were set spontaneously and often violated. Now grown children enter parenthood with the idea that they will treat children in a completely different way. They take great care to ensure that the wishes of the children come true.”

And they go to the other extreme. Merging comes to replace distance and detachment. And the child needs to be made clear: this is where your desires end and the desires of another person begin.

We are afraid of conflict

We are so eager for a warm relationship with children that sometimes we are afraid even of the thought of conflict.

“Yes, conflict can be destructive when we are overwhelmed with emotions and we use unacceptable means: humiliation, generalizations (“You always …”, “You never …”), accusations, devaluation.”

Another thing is if we calmly but clearly express our feelings using the so-called “I-statement”. “Talking about your feelings is necessary, but not enough,” emphasizes the child psychologist. – The child needs firmness. It is important for him to see that the parent not only worries, but also knows how to defend himself, clearly shows the child the boundary of what is permissible. And finally, he offers a solution to the problem, knows what to do next.

In this case, the conflict becomes a point of growth. The child sees that the helm of the family ship is in the hands of a reliable captain – and this is the model of behavior that he can adopt.

We are aware of the friction in our couple

Sometimes parents, especially divorced ones, use the child as a tool in their rivalry. For example, they “appoint” him as an intermediary, load someone else’s responsibility (“You behave exactly like your slob-father!”), which he absolutely does not need. And sometimes one of the parents, who has not overcome the insult, does everything in defiance of the second, forgetting about his own values.

“Instead of protesting violently, it is better to consider the situation in a broader context. Will what happened matter to the child in two years? Will it interfere with the formation of qualities that I consider the most important? Perhaps, in this perspective, the problem will seem to us greatly exaggerated.

In addition, the child psychologist advises parents to agree on two, maximum three rules of conduct, which they consider to be the main ones. “They must be strictly adhered to, and everything else should be looked at flexibly: in my house it is like this, but in my father’s it may be different.”

We have violence

To bring us to a white heat, an outsider needs to make an effort, and when communicating with a child, irritation covers half a turn. The reasons are both in our personal history and in the unconscious “disappointment” when a beloved child suddenly makes us feel guilty, angry at ourselves. And the child seems to deliberately provoke us to shout, spank, categorical prohibitions. And from his first phrases we fall into the trap of affect, not trying to understand why he behaves defiantly.

“He feels unheard, misunderstood,” explains Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – Our first step is to figure out: what is the matter with me, why do I have such a storm of feelings? Who am I really mad at? And the second is to listen to the child and explain his position: here is the border, here I will not retreat, but here options are possible. Then the third step is possible – the search for a compromise, convergence of positions, movement towards each other.

Great temptation to do everything for them

“I would ask this mother: what happens to you when you see these abandoned things?” – answers Galia Nigmetzhanova. There can be many answers.

Maybe her mother taught her to be in perfect order. Maybe she does not want her husband to reproach her when he returns from work. Or maybe the perfect order in the house is a sign that she is needed, she is a good housewife, everything is exemplary with her. Depending on the answer, it becomes clear what to do with it: deal with your attitudes, your relationship with your husband, or what makes Lisa feel valuable.

Once she figured it out, the solution would come. And she will be able to calmly agree with the children about the rules for maintaining order. For example, that in common rooms they do not scatter their things, but in the nursery, let everything be at their discretion.

We set the bar too high

A child is not a mini-adult: he has clumsy movements and an excess of energy, a desire to play without caring about the condition of his shirt or parquet … He will need time to master all the boundaries and start acting “wisely”. And still they will act in their own way, not in our way! After all, there are still individual characteristics, recalls Galiya Nigmetzhanova.

“A good boss takes into account the strengths and weaknesses of employees. And it works! Why do we approach children with a standard measure? When it comes to learning, we are often deceived by teachers’ favorite phrases: “I could if I tried!”; “If I hadn’t been lazy…”

The child psychologist suggests putting aside all the “could”s and “ifs” and asking yourself, “What is happening right now?” Does the child forget to write down the task every time? Doing lessons for six hours? It is from this reality that we must proceed, here we should thoughtfully and gradually look for a constructive solution.