Children: their questions about death

When the child wonders about death

Will my dog ​​Snowy wake up?

For toddlers, life’s events are cyclical: they get up in the morning, play, have lunch, take a nap, take their bath, have dinner and go to bed in the evening, according to well-regulated schedules. And the next day, it starts again… According to their logic, if their pet is dead, it will wake up the next day. It is very important to tell them that a dead animal or human will never come back. When you’re dead, you don’t sleep! To say that a dead person is “asleep” risks inducing strong anxiety when falling asleep. The child is so afraid of never waking up again that he refuses to indulge in sleep.

He’s a very old grandpa, do you think he’s going to die soon?

Young children believe that death is only for the elderly and cannot affect children. This is what many parents explain to them: “You die when you have finished your life, when you are very, very old!” Children thus construct the cycle of life which begins with birth, then childhood, adulthood, old age, and ends with death. It is in the order of things for this to happen. It is a way for the child to tell himself that death does not concern him. Thus he protects himself from the threat that hangs over himself and his parents on which he is very dependent, both materially and emotionally.

Why are we dying? It’s not fair !

What’s the point of living? Why are we dying? Questions that we ask ourselves at any age of life. From 2 to 6 or 7 years old, the concept of death is not integrated as it will be in adulthood. Nevertheless, toddlers try to imagine what death is. We teach them very early on that everything has a use in life: a chair is for sitting down, a pencil is for drawing … So they ask themselves in a very practical and concrete way what is the point of dying . It is important to calmly explain to them that all living things on the planet are going to disappear, that death is inseparable from life. Even if it is still something quite abstract, they are able to understand it..

Am I going to die too?

Parents are often very unsettled by the sudden and serious nature of questions about death. Sometimes it is difficult for them to talk about it, it rekindles painful past experiences. They wonder with concern why does their child think about that. Is he doing badly? Is he sad? In reality, there is nothing alarming there, it is normal. We do not protect a child by hiding life’s difficulties from him, but by helping him face them in the face. Françoise Dolto advised to tell anxious children: “We die when we have finished living. Have you finished your life? No ? Then ?”

I am scared ! Does it hurt to die?

Every human being is gripped with fear that he might die tomorrow. You cannot avoid your child to have death fears and it’s a misconception to think that if we don’t talk about it, he won’t think about it! The fear of death appears when the child feels weakened. It is nothing to worry about if this concern is fleeting. What if he resumes playing happily once his parents have reassured him. On the other hand, when a child thinks only of that, it means that he is going through a crisis. Better take her to see a psychotherapist which will reassure him and help him fight against his overwhelming fear of dying.

What’s the point of living since we’re all going to die?

The prospect of death is heavy to bear if we do not value life in the eyes of children by telling them: “The main thing is that you are present in what you live, in the heart of what is happening, that you do things well, that you give love, that you receive some, that you succeed in making your passions come true! What is important to you in life? What are you in the mood for ?” We can explain to a child that knowing that at some point it stops, pushes us to do lots of things while we’re alive ! Children are very early on in search of meaning in their life. Often, what is behind it is fear and the refusal to grow up. We must make them understand that we do not live for nothing, that as we grow up we flourish, that as we advance in age, we lose years of life but we gain happiness and the experience.

It’s great to take the plane to go on vacation, are we going to see grandma who is in heaven?

Saying to a child: “Your grandma is in heaven” makes death unreal, he cannot locate where she is now, he cannot understand that his death is irreversible. The other even more unfortunate formula is to say: “Your grandmother has gone on a very long trip!” To be able to grieve, a child must understand that a deceased will never come back. But when we go on a trip, we come back. The child risks waiting for the return of the loved one without being able to mourn, and turn to other interests. Moreover, if we spare him by saying: “Your grandma has gone on a trip”, he will not understand why his parents are so sad. He will blame himself: “Is it my fault they cry? Is it because I haven’t been nice? ”

You told me Juliet’s daddy died because he was very sick. I too am very ill. Do you think I’m going to die?

Children fully understand that a child can die too. If he asks the question, he needs a sincere and fair response which helps him to think. We must not imagine that by remaining silent, we protect our child. On the contrary, the more he feels that there is discomfort, the more distressing it is for him. The fear of death is the fear of life! To reassure them, we can tell them: “When there are difficulties in life, you have to put on your helmet!” It’s a colorful way of making them understand that we always have a solution to protect ourselves from hardship and win.

Can I go to the cemetery to see my auntie’s new house?

Grieving a loved one is a painful ordeal for a young child. Wanting to protect him by taking him away from the harsh reality is a mistake. This attitude, even if it starts from a good feeling, is much more disturbing for the child, quite simply because it gives free rein to his imagination and his anguish. He imagines anything about the reasons and circumstances of death, his concern is much greater than if it is clearly explained to him what is happening. If the child asks, there is no reason that he does not attend the funeral, he can then go regularly to the grave to lay flowers there, to evoke happy memories with those who remain, when the missing person was there. Thus, he will find a place for the deceased in his head and in his heart. Parents shouldn’t be afraid to put on a show, there is no point in wanting to hide your sadness and tears or pretend everything is fine. A child needs consistency between words and emotions …

How to talk about death to a child: Where do we go after death? In Paradise ?

It’s a very personal question, the important thing is to answer them in coherence with the deep beliefs of the family. Religions provide different answers and everyone is right on this question. In unbelieving families, too, consistency is fundamental. We can state our convictions by saying for example: “Nothing will happen, we will live in the minds of people who knew us, who loved us, that’s all!” If the child wants to know more, we can explain that some people believe that there is another life after death, a paradise… Other people believe in reincarnation… Then the child will form his own opinion and will create its own representations.

Am I going to be eaten by maggots under the ground?

Concrete questions call for simple answers: “When we are dead, there is no more life, no more beating heart, no more controlling brain, we do not move any more. We are in a coffin, protected from the outside. ” It would be very “gory” to give morbid details about the decomposition… The holes in the eye sockets instead of the eyes are nightmare images! Children all have a period when they are fascinated by the transformation of living things. They crush the ants to see if they will still move, tear the wings of the butterflies, observe the fish in the market stall, the small birds fallen from the nest… It is the discovery of natural phenomena and of life.

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