“Children should not be psychologists for parents who are getting divorced”

Shock. Injury. The family world is crumbling. A child whose parents are getting divorced is forced to rethink everything – because he perceived them as a single whole that gave him life. And the ability of a mother and father to remain parents during and after a divorce is vital for a child.

This is what the psychotherapist Anna Oliviero Ferraris dedicated her book “You Can’t Divorce With Children” to. The author draws on professional experience based on meetings with children and parents from 60 divorced families. She comes to a surprising conclusion: divorce can provide certain opportunities.

Psychologies: Why can divorce be a growth opportunity?

Anna Oliviero Ferraris: I believe that we should not focus solely on the negative aspects of divorce, but try to see the positives in it as well. For example, family relationships can be improved. When children release tension and achieve peace, they can finally form a good relationship with each parent individually.

My client, 17-year-old Varvara, said: “After the divorce, my dad got better. When I went to visit him without my mother, we were finally able to communicate normally. When divorce improves parents, children discover a new dimension for themselves: they understand that life is made up of change, including positive ones.

When they see that mom and dad are able to cope with a difficult situation, this contributes to the development of independence. A parent who successfully faces adversity becomes a role model. Another advantage is that on the basis of solidarity, the bond with brothers and sisters is strengthened.

If, after some time, one of the parents finds another mate, with the advent of a new person, the social and family society of the child can be enriched. Finally, going to visit the new family of one of the parents, collecting things without forgetting anything – all this obliges the child to rely on himself, makes him more independent and open to change.

Divorce can be a positive opportunity for children – what does that mean?

First of all, the realization that parents will remain parents, even if they are no longer married. And also the fact that children become the center of interest when a divorce is planned. They devote a lot of time. It is necessary to explain to them what is happening, honestly and without prejudice. The news of the divorce must be presented to them delicately and at the same time firmly.

No need to burst into them, slamming doors or sobbing out loud. The message should be this: “Dad and mom decided to leave, but it’s not your fault. Nothing will change between us. Your parents will continue to love you, and you will love them.” Often children, especially young children, blame themselves for what happened. They think, “Dad left because I misbehaved.” And they are trying to change the situation. These attempts to interfere should not be encouraged.

Especially in adolescence, children will try to do everything to reunite their parents: they will write fake letters, they will try to arrange a “chance” meeting … If they are allowed all these maneuvers that then fail, they will feel responsible for it.

Another mistake is to use children as intermediaries, to transmit any messages through them to the former spouse or wife. Well, the worst thing is to talk badly about the other parent in order to destroy the image that the child has formed in relation to him.

What are you trying to say?

Children do not have an identity separate from their parents, and the destruction of the image of an ex-husband or wife in front of them can cause great insecurity. Parents after a divorce need to visit their child regularly. One boy confessed to me that he was always on the side of his mother. And when I realized that in fact both parents were right and wrong, the relationship with my father could no longer be restored.

In addition, if a parent is depressed, he needs to look for help somewhere on the side, and not pour out all the pain on the children. They cannot and should not be psychotherapists sharing the burden of detailed confessions and frankness.

Many believe that for the sake of the well-being of the child, it is better to live together anyway. Do you agree with this?

Some research suggests that divorce can be good for children, but only if it marks the beginning of a more peaceful period in life. In fact, in most cases this is not the case.

Divorce lawyers often push spouses into a war in which children are used as leverage. In this case, the divorce does not become the final of the conflict, but, on the contrary, aggravates it. And for the child, nothing changes in relation to the previous situation, consisting of quarrels and tension.

If the divorce leaves conflicts behind and the parents behave in a civilized manner, then the child can learn to adapt to changes and find advantages in them: for example, to live in a calmer atmosphere, to have a worthy example of parents who can cope with difficulties before their eyes. Even when a child periodically lives with his mother, then with his father, this can help him grow up, teach him to look at the situation from different points of view.

How not to create additional difficulties for children when one of the former spouses has a new partner?

The emergence of a new partner should be discussed gradually and never presented as an alternative to an absent parent. Otherwise, there is a risk of creating a fidelity conflict with the biological father or mother. The child, over time, will decide for himself who this new person will be: a friend, confidant, mother’s partner, or something more.