What if the children in the family hate each other? Social psychologist Margarita Zhamkochyan offers two ways to reduce confrontation that will help children cope with hostile feelings and help parents maintain composure.
“Deep down, I believed that sibling feuds were something that would happen to the children of other families, but it wouldn’t happen in mine,” writes writer and mother-of-two Adele Faber. “Somewhere inside me sat a self-satisfied thought that I could claim the role of a kind of super mom who does not make any of those obvious mistakes that all other parents make, making their children jealous and envy each other. I would never compare children to each other, I would never take sides, I would never have pets. If both children know that they are loved equally, then why should they fight and compete? But they found why. As soon as they opened their eyes in the morning, all the time, until the moment when they closed them, they solved one single task — how to make each other unhappy. This frustrated and baffled me. I do not understand what is the reason for this passionate, merciless and endless struggle with each other. There was something wrong with them. Or is there something wrong with me?
Like Adele Faber, many parents tell their bitter stories. And as a rule, they start from their own childhood, their own bitter grievances that have not disappeared, despite the decades that have passed. It seems that a wounded child still lives in our souls. There are probably families in which brothers and sisters get along well and parents deservedly enjoy this happiness, but, alas, how many other families start unhappily every day.
“I gave birth to another child, because I wanted Katerina to have a sister with whom I could play, and then have a loved one in life. Now she has a sister and she hates her. All she wants is to send her back,” Elena, 44, writes from Murmansk. “I always thought that my boys would get along with each other. Let them sometimes fight at home, but I was sure that on the street they would stand up for each other like a mountain. I almost died when I discovered that my eldest son was in that gang of boys who bullied his younger brother, ”recalls a Muscovite, 29-year-old Irina. “As someone who grew up with two brothers, I knew that boys often fight among themselves,” says 37-year-old Alik, “but I always thought that girls should get along better with each other. But not my daughters. And the worst thing is that they have a great memory. They never forget what someone did to whom last week, last month, last year. And they never forgive.»
- Brothers and sisters: why so much enmity?
Take their place
The negative feelings that children have for each other relate to the most painful thing for us — the relationship between our children. “Do not touch, do not offend, you must love her (him)” — this is what they constantly hear from us. And they have to hide their anger, jealousy, irritation with a brother or sister, and as a result, there is hidden or open aggression.
Until bad feelings come out, children cannot feel accepted for who they are. Recognition of the child’s feelings, voicing them is generally one of the strongest means of communication. We call what the child feels — “you are angry with your brother”, “a small scratch can also hurt”, “you really don’t want to go to kindergarten today”, and surprisingly, he stops getting angry, crying and calmly goes to kindergarten . If you don’t already know this miracle cure, give it a try.
Imagine yourself in the place of the child, think about how he feels now, and say it out loud, voice his feelings. “You always do it all…” the daughter whines. And we usually answer like this: “Didn’t I just read to you?” Try something different, try expressing how your child feels, for example, like this: “You don’t like that I spend so much time with the baby?” Try it and you will see a completely different — not annoyed face of an older child.
«Mom, Borka said that I have a voice like a crow.» “Don’t pay any attention to him,” is probably the way we usually answer. Try it differently: “You must have been very angry?” And surely your son will already calmly, narratively answer: “Of course, this is angry.” He is calm because behind your words he hears: “Mom does not stop loving me, even if I am angry with my brother.” When you tell him: “Don’t whine, don’t pay attention,” behind your words he will inevitably hear his own: “I don’t like it when you get angry (complain) at your brother. You have a brother, and that’s forever.»
We know how hurtful feelings of jealousy and hatred that we felt in childhood towards our brothers and sisters. We see how our children are jealous and upset because of these same feelings, and we guess that, just as in our souls, ambivalent feelings collide in them — I love and hate, and so what? We want this heavily loaded ship to move with ease and grace towards the beautiful island of Utopia, where everyone loves each other equally and where peace and harmony reign.
Don’t Divide Equally
Oddly enough, instead of thinking about how to get there, we will have to change the goal. Imagine a nest with many chicks, they squeak and open their beaks when the mother bird brings them food. How does she decide who to give the worm to, because everyone squeaks — both those who were fed last time and those who have been waiting for a long time? We do not know if there is justice in the bird world such that love and food are equal, we only know that mothers need to feed everyone so that they grow up and all fly out of the nest.
The world is not arranged so that everyone is equal, the world is arranged so that everyone has the opportunity to survive and grow.
Oddly enough, we often find ourselves hostages to the conviction hammered into us that children should be loved equally and they look jealously, as if no one else got it. But it turns out that salvation is completely different: to give each child what he needs at the moment. And then other children will know that when they have problems, they will get the attention they need. And then, naturally, you will pay more attention to the different things that distinguish your children from each other than to equalize them (“Half for you and half for him”). And this is the basis of normal relationships in the family, where wonderful brothers and sisters grow up. Of course, this is not all that can be advised to those who dare to have several children, but this is where you should start. Emphasize differences and voice feelings.