Hate is a mixture of heartache, resentment, anger, the desire for revenge, and other destructive emotions. If suppressed, the consequences can be dire, especially for the child’s psyche. Psychotherapist Erin Leonard explains the psychological phenomenon of hate and how to deal with it.
Where does hatred come from? There are two main sources. First, it is caused by an internal defense mechanism called projective identification. The second is that hatred is manifested in response to humiliation of dignity.
Paradoxically, projective identification causes people to devalue and humiliate others — that is, a vicious cycle is formed. To break the chain of hatred, it is necessary to understand what happens in projective identification and how humiliation feels.
Projective identification is an unconscious attempt at psychological defense characteristic of a person with an extremely vulnerable ego. However, the weak points are covered with layered armor: narcissism, megalomania, projecting one’s fantasies onto others. Such a person hides behind bravado and assumes different forms, like the Wizard of Oz, only so that no one sees his real face.
He is not able to recognize his shortcomings and therefore transfers his own negative qualities to others, as if justifying the desire to blame, dominate, control, punish and insult. In other words, he ensures his safety by making others feel inadequate.
Toxic projections, attempts to humiliate and devalue bring the “victim” to white heat
For example, a dancer with morbid pride fails to jump. Then he begins to taunt a more dexterous opponent and declares: “He can’t jump at all!” As a rule, people who are deeply sensitive and conscientious fall under a hail of ridicule. In fact, they are very vulnerable, but, unlike the provocateur, they are aware of their weaknesses. They are strong enough to recognize their own flaws and not assert themselves at the expense of others. Nevertheless, gentleness and generosity make it difficult to resist projections.
Such people unconsciously succumb to manipulation, immediately get lost and feel small and worthless. Of course, toxic projections, attempts to humiliate and devalue bring the “victim” to white heat. After several such cases, you can easily hate the offender.
However, due to his heightened conscience, the injured party only occasionally suppresses pathological attacks. And if this happens, he begins to suffer and blame himself. Such people are seriously injured and therefore lose the ability to empathy, compassion and kindness: hatred overshadows love.
There are four steps to completing the cycle of hate:
1. Learn to recognize projective identification.
2. Stop gossip. Spreading good news is great, but slandering behind someone’s back is also a projection. Don’t participate in this. If it’s you, try to solve problems in person, not in public.
3. Stop bullying. Don’t be afraid to stand up for those who are being bullied purposefully.
4. If hatred flares up in children, empathize, but never tell how to feel. Just how to behave. Feelings are the most vivid expression of the human personality. When a child is told that it is wrong to feel like this, his self-determination breaks down, he ceases to clearly understand his own essence. Feelings are never wrong. They are based on actions that may need to be corrected.
How to respond to a child’s hatred?
You can say:
- “You are upset. You have every right to do so. But I also have the same right. You don’t have to slam the door.»
- «You’re angry. I understand everything, but throwing a backpack is useless. Please pick it up.»
- «You offended. I would be embarrassed too. I’m sorry, but you have to go to school.»
- “It’s hard to calmly watch how someone succeeds in something that you still don’t know how to do. This is very unpleasant. I felt the same when I was your age, but you don’t have to pout. Try again».
Respect the child’s feelings, but if necessary, boldly direct his behavior. When children have healthy self-esteem, hate is replaced by love.